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My family is so toxic...it's just so painful sometimes. My husband and I are both celebrating 30 years sober this year. However, I have lost 2 brothers to alcohol, and I have an older sister who is newly out of jail and in a homeless shelter in New England. Writing this stuns me. I simply can't believe it has gotten to this point. We were a family of 6 kids. We are down to 4 now.
I just vacationed with my husband and my surviving brother and his wife. She is a delight. We have travelled with them several times recently, and have been trying to ignore his drinking. It has been easier, up until now. On this vacation he drank heavily every night, and became verbally abusive every night. It came to a head one night when my husband slept and the rest of us went out to eat. My brother became enraged when his wife and I couldn't see a 'face' in the writing on a wine menu. He began just tearing into me, calling me judgmental, telling me that our other siblings can't stand me. He said things that he can never take back. He thinks that my husband and I feel that we are superior to the rest of the family. I had made extra sure not to say one word about the drinking. Not one. Midway through this awful dinner, he sat back and proclaimed "This is over. You can go home." We were in his home state--thousands of miles from home, and had no car. He packed up the next day and left us in a bungalow in the middle of nowhere, 4 hours from our airport. $500 later, we were able to get there and stay at a hotel the night before our flight.
This disease just wrings the energy out of me. 2 days after I got home, I got a facebook message that a cousin of mine had died. Early 50's. Liver failure. In googling him to see where he lived, a mugshot popped up. I give up! The last we had all heard he was doing well and was a banker!
My daughter's wedding is coming up next year. Many of our friends and family no longer drink. Many never have. But I am so concerned about the few who pose that threat. And I don't even know whether to invite that sister...the one in the homeless shelter. She has stolen from us all...done some pretty horrible things to many of us--mostly to her own children. Can't this disease just leave us alone? We've worked so hard for the last 30 years to have the life--that life they apparently resent. And it's not fancy or anything. It's just functional. Ugh.
Your post illustrates how genetic this disease is. The choices on who to invite to your daughter's wedding are hers and yours. You don't need to feel guilty (in my opinion). People often use weddings as reasons to get all upset and grow rifts in a family. To me, it sounds like the rifts are already there so in a way, it's not such a big decision. I guess the best thing is to be grateful the disease hasn't torn up your immediate family.
Is there an Al-Anon face to face meeting you can visit? I have found so much love and support in my meeting and it is wonderful! The board is fantastic and amazing and the face to face meeting is as well!!
What an exciting time for your daughter! Congratulations!! As Pink said the choice (and it is a choice) is your daughter's/her fiance and yours as to who y'all choose to invite.
Thank you both for your welcome. I'm trying not to let this get to me...I'm just feeling that I've lost 2 siblings to death, one to jail/homelessness, and now one to this mess. I have one left,with whom I'm very close. I don't even want to tell her about this. I don't want to be 'judgmental' and talk behind backs. Better left unsaid.
This disease is terrible. I wish more corner's reports would illustrate that. Alcoholism leads to so many deaths, but you only see on the reports things like "accidental drowning", or "suicide" or whatever else.
You're in the right place, though. I also hope you can get to some face to face meetings. I know they help me get re-centered. Remind me to ask questions like 'how important is it', and also remind me to pause and allow HP into my problems. I really like the skill I've learned of pausing. It helps me to stop feeling so anxious about HAVING to do something or say something right away. My sponsor cracked me up one time when she said "I find most of my problems die of neglect." ;)
I have a very toxic family. My two sisters are both alcoholics. I have had my own nightmare visits with my family where chaos absolutely reigned.
What I have now is no shame about that they act like that. I also have boundaries. I've honed them pretty carefully. My older sister once came to visit without telling me. She showed up at another address I had and expected me to be there to run a red carpet for her. When I wasn't she had a huge tantrum and then went and told everyone at home that I was "rude". These days with al anon I can certainly feel detached from all that.
The grief for me isn't that I had no mother and father as a child growing up. The grief is also that I had a very dysfunctional family going into adult hood and all the challenges therein. The people in al anon have become my family. I've had more mothering and care and direction from a sponsor than I ever got from my family. If I ever achieved anyting in my family they made a point of ignoring it, dismissing it and most of it never celebrating it. I can live with that now but I grieved it for a long long time.
Grief at having a dysfunctional, alcoholic family is a hard one. I went to therapy I had to work really hard to get to a point of acceptance. None of it came overnight and I still grieve but less so. In time the pain goes from red hot to a simmer but the pain never goes away. With al anon I had a chance to learn to manage it in my life.
I hope you are able to get to face to face Al-anon meetings and dive into your recovery. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was very helpful for me. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Update: the mugshot, although the guy is truly a dead ringer for my cousin, is not him. My cousin died before the pic was taken. it is a small comfort. Also, my sister-in-law messaged me that my brother has not had a drink since that awful night. I am truly glad to hear that.
What encouraging news re your brother not having a drink. AlAnon is awesome in supporting you, and giving you the tools you need to maintain sanity even when there seems to be none. The healthy boundaries you will learn are your key to having peaceful events. IE telling Sister she is more than welcome to the wedding and her pleasant company would be enjoyed bymany. Let her know, if the time comes that she displays she is not in control, she will be kindly asked to leave. Or don't invite...whatever daughter wants I would say.
You are in the right place, stop by a meeting here and find good support while you look for a face to face meeting. Congrats to you and hubs for 30 years of sobriety! Kudos!
Welcome, and I hope that you get what you need from here.
Sorry to hear about all those recent events.
I have an alcoholic Dad, brother, nephew and a drug addicted sister. Probably more but the rest of the family lives in another country.
My brother has been told several times ifhe doesn't stop drinking it will kill him.. medically... he keeps drinking.. his decision, I don't have much to do with him at all because I live removed from my family... by choice...
I am very close to one brother and that is all I need.
As far as weddings go.. invite the people that you want to spend the day with, the others can be seen later. If it upsets them.. thats ok.. better them upset than a wedding day memory ruined in my opinion. Weddings are about being surrounded by love and support and creating memories to start a wonderful life for a couple. Stress and pressure is not what is needed.
