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This is one of those tough decisions that I would give up to my HP for guidance. Most of the time the answer is revealed to me...
Here's an example:
When things "hit the fan" with my AH over a year ago I honestly didn't think that I would be able to find housing as soon as I was hoping to. I decided to put my issues into my HP's hands, and the next day a housing solution came up out of a very unexpected source. I had the keys to my new apartment in my hands 48 hours later. And nine angels (AKA various family members and friends) showed up at my residence the next day, moved me out of there and into my new place within hours. A true miracle that still continues to amaze me today.
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 2nd of May 2012 04:26:50 PM
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Wednesday 2nd of May 2012 04:27:20 PM
Sorry to hear about your loss of your FIL. As far as your situation with your AH, I might be missing something.....but can you rent a car for yourself and drive to the services?
Sending you support
-- Edited by LeenieBeanie on Wednesday 2nd of May 2012 05:13:24 PM
My AH is flying back to MD today for his dad's funeral. My son and I are joining him tomorrow. AH had his license suspended for the month of May but hasn't gotten the notice from the DMV yet. He is going to rent a car in MD and I don't think he's going to have any problems because he's with the corporate plans with most rental car companies and they don't usually run his license anyway. My issue is this: he is going to be picking us up at the airport tomorrow. I am not very comfortable driving around with him if his license is truly suspended. Every time we talk about the license issue, he tells me that I'm wrong about everything and says he's just listening to his lawyer(you know, the one who told him to buy a beater car and put the ignition interlock in there so he can drive his Lexus).
I really don't want to get into it with him. I mean, his dad did just die and I certainly don't want to pick a fight about this over and over again. I just don't know what to do. I could ask him if I could do the driving but if he refuses then I guess I'm stuck driving around with him and his suspension and praying that nothing bad happens. UGH!
Hmmm...what's going to preserve your serenity the most, and not be a hidden way to try and control his behavior? If it were me, I suppose that as long as he wasn't under the influence, and as long as if he gets pulled over and arrested/not allowed to drive due to license issues...would you be able to drive the car since it's a rental car in his name? If the answer is he's not under the influence, and you WOULD be able to drive the car should he get pulled over, then I would just let him drive. But again, that's just me, and what I think would preserve my serenity most in a similar situation.
Good luck! Praying for you all during this tough time...
For me when I come into situations such as this and I have 3 going on at the moment .. I check my motives. I try and figure out what it is that has me needing an answer right this second. I then give it over to my HP and ask for His guidance to let guide me in the best possible way. I also then try and figure is this my will I'm trying to do or God's.
You might be surprised as to what will happen and what kind of information you will get when you don't force a situation. I know for me I'm weighing do I want the drama and will it impact me negatively or positively.
I then look at what my options are as well, .. no one else has to live with your choices and the consequences of those choices. You do though, and you have to decide what your boundaries are and what you are willing to give up when it comes to serenity.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Honestly, what would preserve my sanity would be NOT going at all but since ds wanted to go to say goodbye to his grandfather and I don't trust AH alone with ds for that long. Anyway, I guess I have thought about it and I am going to keep my mouth shut. I may not like what's going on, but really is starting WW3 going to make anything any better and will it solve anything? Probably not.
Beanie was riding my wave length too...Get your own car and do your own driving...He could of course ride along if that was cool for you and then you would still be driving for yourself and "to thy own self be true". I love my own drama...and like to stay out of other peoples.
Remember also that "No" is a complete sentence. What ever you choose the consequences are alllll yours. ((((hugs))))
I totally agree with Stephanie. An ex partner of mine lost his licence DUI and he still drove adn I still got in the car with him. It was his problem if he got caught and I could take the car.
Of course as is the way often.. he never got caught.. but nothing bad ever happened either.
the consequences were his, the choices were his. It didn't affect me, not like im an accessorie or anything legally could happen to me.
I hear the most frustrating part is arguing and literally listneing to his excusing and then trying to reason with him about right versus wrong. Boundaries are such that you state what you mean and then just leave it at that. You don't have to argue. The fact of the matter is, his license was suspended for 1 month. It is crystal clear that the court means no driving during that month. He can find someone else to cosign his BS and say it's right or he "has to drive" but that does not make it so. You do not have to argue and you can have a difference of opinion though. You can state the above matter of factly and then walk away and say "those are the facts as I see them and I'm not arguing." That way you don't get so angry at trying to reason with his distorted views and trying to make him see how wrong he is. Arguing with him will likely cause an even greater descent into the proverbial "crazytown."
I like what other's suggested about renting your own car. If you feel he's doing something morally wrong and you don't want to be a part of it, it may help to be true to yourself and your own moral compass/higher power.
Thanks everyone for the input. I have decided to just let it go. I am not going to rent a car for myself, it really would be a waste of money and I'm too much of a cheapskate. I am going to ask him if he's OK with me driving his rental around and I think he will be. He sounded nervous about driving around on the suspended license when we talked earlier. Hopefully, we can just add my name to the rental while we're at the airport tomorrow. It always makes sense for me to drive anyway since I suffer from severe travel sickness anyway.
I had a good talk with my new therapist today and she is kicking my butt. Man, she just tells it like it is, doesn't beat around the bush, and is VERY supportive but firm at the same time. So glad I found her. Turns out she's a Jersey girl just like me. I was born in Jersey, went to college in MD, and wound up living with the rattlesnakes in AZ! Go figure!
My "stinking thinking" are the financial issues if something should happen while he is driving. I would probably do what you are doing, if I couldn't say "no" because of my child. It's hard knowing what to do, sometime when I turn it over to HP (God) I don't like the answer I get, and do it my way. With love!
Highlyfavored!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
