bad night - Al-Anon Family Group

I am lost · Member

bad night

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Oh man, I had many of those nights and circular conversations about my marriage.

What worked for me was going to Al Anon and learning to set boundaries. One of my first boundaries was- I will not be around or converse with AH when he has had anything to drink.

That really, really cut down on nights like you describe! In fact, they stopped completely. If he was drinking, I was doing something else. Trying to have a conversation about something important with a drunk alcoholic is pointless. He probably won't remember the next day, anyway. If you need to talk about your marriage, wait until he is sober.

Enjoy your meeting tonight! Linger afterwards if you can...I hope you will find the warmth and understanding I did at my first meeting.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate and I learned to stop trying to talk with my exAH when he drinks so that he can't twist anything around if I didn't say anything. I also was scared at night towards the end. I am so glad you are starting meetings, they saved my life! I am sending you love and support on your journey!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to learn to set this boundary, too. But, my AH was like that sober!!! Yep, we had many conversations like that and I would get sucked in and swirl in his conversation of self pity or blame or self loathing. He was actually easier to get along with when he was drunk, go figure. Thank you for sharing and I hope you take the advice here. Meetings were my saving grace honestly!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Drinking messes with their minds. It took me a long time to learn that I couldn't have a rational discussion with him while he was drunk. When he was sober he wasn't always so rational, but when he was drunk, insanity was guaranteed. And they know they are dissatisfied with something, but they don't know what it is. So they look outside themselves (so they don't have to look within). And there we are! So they identify us as the problem. But even if we were to turn ourselves inside out trying to change, it wouldn't solve the real problem. He could say that problem was you didn't earn enough money, and you could get an accounting degree and earn $$$, and then he'd say the problem was that you earned more money than he did. And you could take a low-paying job so as to not make him feel threatened, and then he'd say the problem was that you weren't pulling your weight. That's my experience as to the way it goes (not those exact details, but that pattern), and I've seen it over and over.

When we get some recovery of our own going, we can change how we respond to their insanity, and that changes everything. So glad you are here.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Lost - I read your post thinking what I learned to do, then read other's replies and nodded my head, so many of us have learned a better way. Nothing wrong with defining a boundary that says, "this isn't the kind of conversation to have when you're drinking", or even just "this isn't the right time for this discussion, I'd rather talk about it over coffee in the morning, I'm going to go take a bath (read, garden, walk, etc.)" and walk away. The way you describe it is a good example of being invited to a fight, and you don't have to accept the invitation.

And twisting my words, lord howdy was i married to a champion twister - he would keep something I said then blast it at me twisted weeks later, confusing me more because I wasn't sure exactly what I'd said that far past and in what context I'd said it - and he would say it with such intense surety - head spinning! It truly drove home the meaning of the phrase "the only winning move is not to play".

I am lost · Member

Thank you all so much for your advise. I know al-anon will help tremendously. I will keep you all updated.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

This is tough stuff. I can very much understand you getting caught up in the a's drinking talking saga. Al anon can help you to detach.

Detachment is one of the first skills that is so so key to getting out of the chasm of alcoholism.

Why not give it a shot?

maresie.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This mirrors where I was at in my relationship with my Ex-A. He would belittle my mother every chance he got towards the end because he saw I was headed in the direction of wanting to leave and he knew I would rely on my family for support...Hence, my mom was a "bitch" to him from that point on. That just made me want to end it more. I had greater tolerance for calling me names, but what kind of spouse will drive a wedge between you and your own parent? That was evil. The rest of what you wrote also rings true...Sounds exactly like what I went through even though it was a gay relationship (2 men) same basic dynamics..Same conversations about how incompetent I was and how special and creative and wonderful he was. Meanwhile it was me that had the steady job all 7 years of the relationship and me with the 2 masters degrees. I was never incompetent and stupid. Though I believed him when he said those things at the time. Of course he only said them when drunk so....

I feel for you.

Mark

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

We all get it exactly. My AH becomes one of two things when he drinks: angry, outraged and abusive, OR sad, meloncholy, weepy. I have come to learn neither of these nor his drinking have anything to do with me. If I wasn't here and someone else was in my place the situation would be the same because it's his problem with himself. Use your tools to get through it, sometimes I just have to keep repeating something in my head to get me thru it, one of my favorites was from this board, something to the effect of "he can't play tug of war with you if you drop the rope". Prayers and hugs, sg.

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