The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I had my F2F meeting. It was on step 5, it was a great meeting!
I got home and my AH had made dinner and the little warmer lit. For Easter he had given me a candle warmer with lilac scented oil. Yesterday he purchased little scented wax not candles but I don't know what the name is. There is a point, promise.
My meeting is from 8-9 so I'm walking through the door and I'm tired and distracted and the food was ready so I made my plate. I sit down and he asks me if I notice the smell. I look over see the warmer glowing and said oh yes it smells like lilac in here.
Really it didn't but I wasn't paying attention. To which he becomes utterly insulted. Says I need to go outside and come back in because the house doesn't smell anything like lilac. In order to try and avoid an unecessary argument I go out and come back in.
For the next 30-40 minutes it was on about how I wasn't paying attention and he had worked so hard to time dinner and how could I possibly think that the smell was lilac and on and on and on.
Do you know that as I stood and looked at him I pictued a flashing sign on his forehead and as he was talking I just inserted the words I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm sick, I'm sick.
I heard how he's trying so hard and we've done really well and I'm now trying to find things that are wrong. I again began to just repeat to myself he's sick, he's sick, he's sick.
I went to bed.
The night before the discussion started on the grocery store I chose to go to on my lunch to purchase dinner. The fact that I would dare choose someplace that is a few dollars more. Never mind what he spends on alcohol and cigarrettes on a weekly basis.
For a month it's been good. I've appreciated each day. Continued to read and focus on working my program. I will take life one day at a time. I have choices, and I choose to live my life making the most of each day.
Sending love and support, it's a marathon not a sprint .. it all takes time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Your post reminds me of something that I just heard recently: Where there is appreciation (gratitude) there is duplication.
Practicing making the most of each day and the your blessings will multiply. That is my experience. Did not believe it until I practice it and continue to do so!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Sounds very familiar, Jackie, except that I see the words, "I'm not healthy" on his forehead for some reason. I'm sick is much shorter and easier to read, LOL! Sending you support today!
Very strong and you didn't get sucked in. That's really ispirational! I may try this trick on my mentally ill son - I'm finding that detachment and boundaries are a little more complicated in the parent/child relationship but I have to strengthen them for my own sanity.
What a fantastic program you have. I watch my neighbors go to smoke stuff and can think they are "sick" but for anyone I have to rely on I don't think that way.
I work with a supervisor at work who I have had real issues with. This past month it came up that she simply let her parrott go out the window and she wasn't abashed about saying "good riddance".
To think I expected civility, fairness and kindness from someone like that is my own madness.
The boy sounds like he would do better with a sponsor rather than a spouse. It sounds like you did good with what you had and thank God for meetings before eating...didn't take the bait. lol (((hugs)))
I have to say...if I made an effort to make dinner and buy special candle stuff for my partner, I would also feel sensitive if they didn't pay attention and said something I knew to be not truthful! Our As deserve the same respect we would give anyone else and we would want for ourselves, even if they do have a disease which often disrespects and hurts us. It sounds like it was a big deal to him that he was trying to be loving and give something and when his feelings were hurt overstated his case like As do!!! Just my thoughts. Ignore me if I'm off base for you. Hugs, Tigger x
I recently read a post, (not sure if it was this post or a different one) that also talked about the "I am sick" on the forehead, and it really stuck with me. Earlier my AH was carrying on about how his drinking isn't a problem etc. and I too imagined the "I am sick" on his forehead. It really helps me to be compassionate, but also even more committed to detaching and working my program for MYSELF.
@ Tigger, you're not off base. I realized that he had put thought into it. However because he had been drinking-steadily- it means that the same thing was on repeat over and over and over again. I often express how much I appreciate what he does. When he's drinking and I don't give him the reaction he wants it starts this kind of interaction.
Last night he apologized. I thanked him for all he does. We had a pleasant evening. I'm thankful!
This is the place to vent when we're upset. He is sick and you are working your program. I am happy to know that this is a safe place where I can vent my issues here.. or at meetings. or to my sponsor. I think you did great bringing your frustration here to a safe place and going to bed.. that was a good move. ;)
I can't always tell what smells are either.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
