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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Hi, new here and a question - when do you call it a day?
Post Info TOPIC: Hi, new here and a question - when do you call it a day?
teenyweenytadpole


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Hi, new here and a question - when do you call it a day?
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Hi all, am new here online, am planning to attend a f2f meeting tomorrow but work commitments mean it will be impossible to make this a regular thing so I was really pleased to find this forum. I don't know how much to say without this becoming an essay, but basically I am struggling now with knowing how and when to throw in the towel with my alcoholic DH. On one hand I feel I have reached the end of the road with this relationship, on the other hand I keep thinking "maybe..." and "what if...". I guess I just don't know how much longer I can stay in this marriage but at the same time I feel stuck, I don't know how to move things forward. 

I have been married to DH for 19 years, we have 2 DD's. He has long standing issues with depression and alcohol. Looking back on it now it has been a feature of most of our marriage but I guess it has mostly concerned me since we became parents - our oldest DD is now 10 so basically we've been living in this way for at least that long. He is I guess a functional alcoholic, drinks mostly at weekends and mostly beer/wine, never spirits, but nearly always to the point of him falling asleep in the chair. There have been missed trains, late nights out, not coming home until the early hours, not coming home at all. I have lost count of how many holidays, family events, parties etc that have been spoiled for me by his drinking.

As I am sure many other people on this forum would say, when he is sober he is great, hard working, caring, etc etc - but the drinking just spoils it for me. It affects everything really, and I can't help but worry about the impact on our DD's especially as they get older. I feel as if all my love for him has been slowly worn away. 

Over the past year things have been brought to more of a head, my Dad died quite suddenly and I have been supporting my very depressed Mum as well as grieving for my Dad. I ended up on antidepressants and seeing a counsellor to help me with all of this, which has been a big help (I recently came off the anti-d's). Throughout this past year our relationship has not been great, we have been caught up in the usual cycle which goes something like this - excessive drinking, me challenging him about his drinking, him admitting there is a problem, promising to stop, him making half hearted attempts at seeking help, stopping for a while and then basically slowly going back to drinking. He has a stressful job and works away from home during the week so he sees drink as a way to kick back and relax after work or at the weekends. 

Last weekend was particularly bad, we had a family meal at our house with his relatives, this was lovely in itself but he started drinking during the meal and then after the meal he went on to spend the entire day drinking pretty much anything he could get his hands on, ended up snoring and dribbling in the chair and not even able to kiss his daughters goodnight.

As a result of this I told him I was truly sick of living like this, so again we had the usual thing of him agreeing to stop, and agreeing to seek help. He didn't drink all weekend, and went to see a counsellor after work tonight although he told me he didn't think much to the counsellor and won't be going back (I don't know why). He won't go to AA, and although I have suggested marriage/relationship counselling, he won't agree to that either. He seems to think that one sober weekend means it is all "fixed" but of course this is just part of a pattern isn't it? 

I have read every book on co-dependency going I think and have been trying so hard to focus on myself and the children, my career, health etc. However I can't help but feel that real life is "on hold" while we see what happens. When he is drinking, he is fun and lively for the first few drinks but then I end up basically spending the rest of the night alone, I feel there is no quality of family life, no sex life, no proper relationship. However when he is sober he is miserable, we have no social life, (he won't invite friends over for example), there is a horrible tense atmosphere in the house.  I can't decide which is worse! At the moment I feel that even "if" he could stop drinking, I am not sure I want him in my life. The one thing that stops me really is the thought of the girls and how it would affect them - I believe really strongly in marriage and can't bear the thought of them being brought up in a broken family, we live in a small rural community where this is not at all common. 

I would really welcome any views on how I can break out of this cycle. Do I just say enough is enough and insist on a divorce or do I stick with him while he tries to make it work? 

Sorry this turned into an essay! 

Thanks. 

 

 



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Green Eyes


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Welcome to the MIP board! You're in the right place. Here's one of the biggest things that I have learned here on this forum: he is going to drink- now what are YOU going to do?

My marriage basically mirrors yours, except that we have now been married 30 years this month and are in the process of a divorce. If I could do it all over again, I wish that I would have known about Al-Anon when the red flags first started to appear 10 or so years ago. If I had done that, I think that things potentially could have been much different today. My AH was also a "functioning alcoholic" and drank because he said it "took away the stress" of his job. Now, it has gotten so bad that I really have no other choice but to go on with my life without him. It's not what I want, but it's what I have to do so save myself now that the kids are all grown and on their own.

If I had the tools of Al-Anon ten years ago, who knows where our marriage might be today? I hope that you will try to attend at least six different Al-Anon meetings before making up your mind if Al-Anon is right for you. It saved my life when I finally started to go to meetings three years ago, and I hope it can do the same for you. No need to make major decisions right now. Just start taking care of you today.

Sending you lots of support,

Green Eyes

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Jerry F


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Going to your Al-Anon meeting(s) is throwing in the towel.  If you sit down, listen, learn and practice what you hear there and here you marriage and life as you now know it will change for the better.  For me the bad ended and the good part started.  We don't advise and do suggest things that we did and worked for us...So the meetings worked wonders for me.  As you  grow you will make better decisions for yourself regarding a whole lot of things.  Just go to the meetings first. When I got into Al-Anon the suggestion was to go to 90 meetings in 90 days and I got 102 done and never turned back on getting my life into sanity and serenity.  

Welcome to MIP...there is major recovery here and others will come foreward to share with you also.

((((hugs)))) smile 



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Oksie


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When I came here to these boards I thought in one of two options.
Do I stay or do I go?

Being here I found there is a third option. Live my life.

I reckon once I start to live my life, the other options will sort themselves out.

NO one here is going to tell you to stay or go. That is a question only you can answer. some of us stay, some of us go and some do the inbetween thing.

That is what I loved about this place. I did not feel judged for wanting to stay with my addicted husband. No one else on this planet understands that like the people on these boards/in the program. They understand so much, they have helped me to have my life back no matter what my husband decides to do with his.

For me, I stopped asking myself the question about going or staying. I made a decision to not make a decision. Take this one day at a time. I have chosen to give myself 12 months (till Octoberish) to work on me, see what happens and how much I learn and grow. I have chosen to be happy to stay in my marriage for that time period and be happy about it. Not give myself options to obsess about in that way. So far so good.

One day at a time... I am good today. We will see what happens tomorrow.


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Auntyaya


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My story sounds so very much like yours, escept I stayed way too long. I have been on my own for  2 years and though it has been difficult at times, the difficulties pale in comparison to living the way I was living. And the result of facing the difficulties has given me a great faith..in myself!

Trust yourself...you will know when/if you need to make a change. I attended AlAnon..still do...and it did make my life more tolerable, but I got to a place where tolerable simply wasn't enough for me. My marriage had eroded so horribly ... him simply being sober was not enough to keep me there and he thought that was all he needed to do. I think that when an alcoholic drinks for so long that something within them disappears.. (if it was ever even there?) and I think that something may be the capacity to consider others? It's almost like the rest of the world disappears..and the alc. only considers/thinks of themselves.  Just do today.....and hang in there!!

 

 

 



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orchidlover


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One book I would really recommend is Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drews.  I think that is an excellent primer on how to adjust to living with an active alcoholic.

Maresie.



-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 4th of May 2012 11:54:46 AM

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teenyweenytadpole


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Hello everyone and thanks so much for your kind replies. I wasn't able to go to my meeting this morning - long story - so will have to wait another week. Over the past year or so I have been working really hard on detachment, but it's hard when I see my daughters being negatively affected. I already feel bad about the fact that they have seen their Dad drunk/asleep so many times that they just accept this as normal. At the same time I find it so hard to think about potentially having to tell them we are separating.

I have been trying really hard not to "wait" for him and have been working on my own plans and life with the girls, for example we have been away to visit friends, we have planned things for the weekends that haven't necessarily involved him, I have booked a camping trip for the three of us for the summer, I see my own friends after work, that kind of thing. I am also making plans to start a course to become a hypnotherapist, I am attending a one day event on Sunday and then hopefully starting the diploma programme in September. This will take me a couple of years to complete but hopefully will help me become more financially secure in future. (I do work, but part time and in a fairly low paid job)

I do hear what you say about taking one day at a time. However I think at the moment I feel like Auntyaya describes, that even if he sobers up I am not sure it is enough. I suppose I can't see the value in a marriage where I basically do my own thing most of the time. At the moment he is away during the week and only home at weekends, so everyday life would not change much for me at least - in fact I feel a huge sense of relief when he leaves at the beginning of the week. He is due to come home again tomorrow night (he usually works at home on Fridays) and I am not looking forward to seeing him - in fact I wish he would stay away, but I know the girls would be upset not to see him. We would need to move house and would be on a much lower income but I think I could live with that in exchange for peace, and a sense of being in control of my own destiny.

A year ago we were in the same position as we are now, he agreed to get help, I decided that it was worth us trying to make things work. Yet here we are again a year later. I feel as if each time this happens a little bit of me gets used up. I am almost reaching the point where I have nothing left to give.

Anyway thanks again for the support, I definitely will try and go to the al-anon meeting next week but there is only one daytime meeting in my area and evenings are difficult as he is away and I don't have anyone I can easily call on for babysitting. I will have to see if I can find a local teenager or someone who will sit with the girls while I go out.


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orchidlover


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I think reading books is really great.  I am a really avid bibliophile. At the same time I also think working a program, working with others, conferring with others who have the same issues is so essential.

Al anon can help.  Of course al anon isn't going to cure your husband or fix everything in your life.  What al anon can do is to give you tools, demonstrate ways to live and find you a whole bunch of support so that no matter what you do, whatever happens you won't feel like your life is overwhelming.

Why not give it a shot?

Maresie.



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orchid lover
abbyal


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Hello and welcome , only you know the answer to the question you have asked . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself with or with out him you to need to recover from the effects of someone elses drinking you will find the support you need in our program .  we strongly suggest to newcommers that they give us a try for at least 6 months ( going to as many meetings as you can ) before making any life altering decissions * divorce*  the beauty of this program for me was I didnt have to leave my marriage to be happy , I learned how to get my life back on track and to allow him the dignity to choose his own path.  We have 20 yrs of sobriety in our home today and I am not sorry I stayed life just gets better , regardless of what he does today I know I will be okay ..  Louise



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pinkchip


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I can only tell you what I did which was to leave my relationship with it became ultra clear that nothing was going to change unless I went my own way. I could not bear that thought of my life staying that way any longer. Staying in that toxic relationships was killing my spirit It was just busted and there was no fixing it. I cannot tell you if you are at that point in your relationship yet, but I definitely feel for you.

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Auntyaya


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I remember those days so clearly...finding out that you are happier when he is not there... I remember that the happiest sound was the door closing when he left in the morning and the saddest sound was the garage door going up at night when he returned....and now I just wonder how I did it for so long...probably a combination of  my children and the fear of being alone..I knew I had to leave when the thought of living the rest of my life with him brought an overwhelming sense of complete desolation...that's when I knew...and you will know if and when that time comes for you......



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Bargee


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Hi,

wow I could so relate to this post.
I am living with an active, functional alcoholic, but today I think I just reached my limit.

I trusted him to not drink tonight while he looked after our daughter.
I went out at 6 to my soccer teams quiz night. I told my H that I was getting a ride with a friend. He asked what would happen if he needed me to come home in case our D wouldn't take the bottle from him. I said he could come pick me up. He packed a sad, so I took my own car.
I got home at 10.30.
He had drunk 12 beers.
Am I over reacting that he was drunk while he was meant to be looking after our baby?
I'm so scared that she was here with him drinking that much.
I feel like I have failed my beautiful, precious darling daughter.
She is 3 months old.
I feel sick with the thought of what if something had happened to her. He would have been in no state to help her.
I asked him that. His response was to yell. He said that he had constantly checked on her and that if something had happend he would have rung my Mum and Dad who live around the corner, or 111. I still don't feel that this was ok.
When he came to bed I pretended I was asleep. Part of me was so revolsed by him, yet another part of me longed him to reach out and touch me, to tell me he loves me. Why I wanted this, I have no idea.
I love him but I hate him.
I'm so scared. I don't think he would have stopped at 12 beers if he had had more.
Why do I feel guilty?
I can't sleep.
I feel so devastated.
I want to go home (to my Mum's).
I feel lost and heartbroken.

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You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give.
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