The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the most infuriating aspects of my marriage was that my AH assumes my intentions, thoughts, and feelings. He's also a Narcissist, and I'm sure a lot of this assuming is actually projection of his own thoughts. Sometimes, it feels like a manipulation, that I am supposed to jump in and correct him/defend myself and clarify how I am actually feeling or thinking. I remember once I said to him- you know, you can just *ask* me what I'm thinking instead of TELLING me what I'm thinking. Well, he never got that.
He emailed the other day: I hope someday we can be friends, but to get to that point and to really heal on all levels, I think both of us need this divorce to be final. I feel that the current state of our "marriage" is sort of a black cloud hanging over my head and I really just want it to be done so I can get closure. I'm sure you feel the same way as well.
Well, how I actually feel is that the legal status of our marriage has no impact on my healing whatsoever! I just don't care. Not in a defensive way, but I really don't care. I don't want to be friends. I feel no "black cloud" or anything hanging over my head. I would like my maiden name back before I begin my new career, but I can do that through civil court on my own if for some reason the divorce judgement is delayed. I feel free from his games, free from the pain, free from everything except my dedication to follow my HP's will for me.
Of course, I would not tell him this. It's none of his business. I agreed to communicate with him regarding legal stuff only, and will continue to hold to that. His email was just one more example of how he doesn't seem to get that I could possibly have an emotion other than the one he's having.
My brother-in-law and his wife dumped me on Facebook. I don't care about that either! When I realised I was a friend short, I figured out who, and thought- Oh. Well, that's fine, they sort of annoyed me, too.
And that was that.
My mother-in-law stays friendly and wants to meet for coffee when she's in my area. And my sister-in-law is happy to stay in touch and keep me updated on the kiddos. They like me for me, independant of my relationship with their son/brother. I thought I would just die without my in-laws active in my life, but I am more okay without them that I thought. It is nice to know we can still send an update email every now and then without any weirdness...but now I think it's funny that just a few months ago the thought of spending Christmas, etc. without them nearly broke me in half. Heh.
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Tuesday 1st of May 2012 03:40:38 PM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Wow.....sounding like one strong woman dolly llama! We are so much stronger, more capable and independent than our codependency would have us believe when we are emeshed in those relationship dynamics aren't we. I love the part about being dedicated to hp's will.....inspiring stuff :o)
I think breaking up is pretty hard to do. I know every thing the ex A said hurt me. For me its been a long long process to get beyond it. I had to let go of his friends/our friends too and that was very very hard.
