The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Being heard is incredibly important to me. I hate being misunderstood or disregarded when I try to express myself. I used a different tack today with my partner and feel I made some progress. I have been recognising the things I do that block my chances of being heard and taken seriously. For example my tendency to over-state my case, to bite back when the other person gets defensive, confusion when being manipulated out of my right to speak, pointing my finger at them rather than say how it is for me. Today I stayed in my centre and kept to simple honest I statements, I kept my clarity about what I was saying and didn't get hooked off course. I actually felt within myself a validation of my right to be human and to accept the humanness of another. And guess what? I got a comparatively sensible response...was taken much more seriously than usual, made myself understood, didn't get their back up or sabotage my efforts. All because I changed something about nyself and my approach instead of just trying to change someo ne else! I am pleased and proud :o)
I can't even imagine how many times I've said to my AH "You never listen to me!". Since starting the Al anon program, I am staying calm and not allowing myself to be manipulated by his accusations. I just state my case and then leave it alone.. I won't engage his alcoholic mindset that he can turn everything around onto me so that he has no responsibility. I cannot believe how much better I feel and how it take the wind out of his sails. I also remind myself a lot that it's pointless to overstate my point of view like I'm talking to a child or someone from outer space. I think my compulsion to overstate my case or nag or argue was rooted in a lie I was telling myself; that he can't possibly feel this way about me or that he can't really believe I'm the cause of his problems--he just doesn't understand what I'm saying , so I need to keep explaining or re-iterating my point. In actuality, he knows perfectly well that I am not responsible for his drinking, any other problem he has. Once I realized that he will either choose to accept responsibility or not I felt free.
I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me, but I know the program is helping me to communicate better with my AH and I can relate so much to your post.
My big problem is that I, yes I, cut my AH off in conversation and it's something I need to work on. Over the years of feeling like he never listened to me, I started cutting him off to get out of his tirades instead of just setting a boundary and asking him if we could talk about it another time, etc.
So glad you were able to keep your clarity and really think instead of acting out defensively, because that's where I'm at right now. I'm really working on listening, and ending conversations if I feel I'm not being heard.
My husband never listens to a word that comes out of my mouth I am sure of it....
But.. I know my friends say the same thing about thier husbands so its not 'unique' to the addictive relationship.
I know he isn't listening sometimes cos I will just stop mid sentence and he hasn't noticed.
The one that gets me annoyed the most....... when I ask or say something and I do not get an answer.... I will wait a few moments for a response and then say something like "hey there!!" "hhheeelllooooo" and he will answer me. So its not that he hasn't heard or misunderstood.. he chose to ignore me. I really get annoyed with that one.
