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I have been feeling compelled to talk to my AH about my trust issues with him. He quit drinking after the DUI in February. We have had no intimacy in our marriage since then because I just plain old don't want to do 'it' with someone I don't trust yet.
He hasn't approached me about the subject. He is so wrapped up in himself right now that I pretty much feel like I'm an after thought as he goes through his days. He will be losing his license tomorrow for the month of May and goes to his sentencing hearing in 2 weeks. He cancelled all his appointments for the month of May and made sure that he doesn't have to travel for work. I told him that I will take him to court because I told him that I have a right to know what's going on since he hasn't been very forthcoming with the past court appearances. I guess I'm on a 'need to know' basis at this point, which is fine. But, I can go to court for myself, not to be supportive of him.
Ok; that was a bit off topic, LOL. I want to approach him about WHY I don't trust him and how the foundation of our marriage will not be rebuilt until certain things happen. He can choose to do these things or not, but I think it's fair for me to let him know what I'd like to see happen. 1. Get rid of your alcohol stash hidden in the closet. If you don't want to, fine, but know that it's a huge barrier to MY trusting you. 2. Know that your beer paraphernalia in your office screams "I'm a drinker" and that the drinking tray and glassware in his closet isn't helping me either. 3. Tell him that I won't go to marriage counseling until he's had at least 6 months of weekly counseling for himself.
So, my question is: are these things reasonable to a dry alcoholic? Would he just balk at this at this point? He's facing serious jail time because here in AZ everyone goes to jail for their DUI's. He got a super extreme DUI which actually qualifies him for 45 days but I think the judge can suspend 31 days, leaving him with 14 days and work release.
I also thought that maybe I should wait until he's gone through sentencing and done the jail time before I talk to him about these things. There's a part of me that is compassionate about his plight and I don't want to dump too much on him before he goes to jail. Yet, the other part of me says that I have a right to express myself to keep the lines of communication open in our relationship. How can I rebuild trust if I don't tell him that there are barriers to this issue caused by his inability to throw out his secret stash(including dumping out his flask, LOL)?
Also, I know that I had said in the beginning that I didn't want to be involved with the DUI but that was back when I thought he'd be open and honest about the proceedings. He seems to like keeping me in the dark. Do I have a right at this point to make an effort to actually go to the court proceedings. I told him I wanted to go because I felt like he wasn't telling me everything and that, at this point, I would like to know how this is going to affect our family. Is my motive wrong at this point? Still trying to figure that out.
I did not go to his hearing for his DUI because he didn't invite me to (he actually said he wanted to be by himself) and I didn't want to be there either.
Why are you not asking him to go to AA meetings? They are really more useful than counseling. My hubby went to a conference in Phoenix shortly after his start of sobriety and he found some good AA meeting in downtown Phoenix. (I don't know if you are in Phoenix, but AA meetings are all over.)
If he hasn't drunk alcohol since Feb. he should be okay to talk to, but, like you say, he has a lot on his plate right now and you would just be piling on. And I tried talking to my hubby about my trust issues about 3 months after he quit drinking, and went to AA, and had all the sentencing finished, and it still didn't go into his brain. It still was all my fault that I didn't trust him. He didn't have any issues about it, so why should I? He asked why I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and I said because it always does. He dismissed my feelings as irrational. I never brought it up again. Be ready for the possibility of that reaction in him.
Yes, and that's why I really haven't talked to him about it. I asked him to go to an AA meeting twice before and he declined. His psychiatrist told him to go, too, yet he hasn't made a move in that direction.
Maybe I should ask him if he wants me there, to begin with. If he doesn't, then I guess he can take a cab and I have to let him decide if he wants to be honest with me? I don't know.
My sponsor taught me to stop negotiating, setting ultimatums, etc. etc. ( I did all that too) and just give MYSELF what I wanted. She told me to make a list of what I thought I needed in a relationship, to keep the focus on myself, to stop the codependent NEED for anyone but myself. The goal is to no longer have this reliance on outside things to happen before I can be happy.... to stop waiting for the world to bring me happiness, it's an unrealistic expectation, never going to happen.
Looking back, my biggest lesson in trust wasn't that I could no longer trust my alcoholic (or anyone else) ....but that I COULD trust Higher power. That was the spiritual lesson for me. ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 30th of April 2012 09:53:32 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
so I ask you.. if he does those things.. will you trust him again? Is that all it will take?
I know when my husband didn't have his stash in the place it usually was (cos he had used it all).. I went crazy wondering where it was now... wondering if he had it at work or in his car? Wondering where he was when he was half an hour late from work.. was he off using/buying?
I asked him many times to get rid of it.. I didn't want it in my house.. that never worked for me. He never moved his gear. It is all still in the same place.
I accepted that even though my husband is not currently using he is a pot smoker/addict. Me asking him to do anything will not change that fact.
Trust.. such a huuuuuuuge issue isn't it.
I have thought about it alot. I trust my husband to not cheat on me, I trust him to go to work each day and to do his best for me. I also trust that my husand will smoke/relapse/lie about it again in the future (near or far), and I have accepted that about him. He has never indicated he wants help or counselling or is interested in any of that.
I have told him that if anything legal wise happens to him, I will not bail him out, I will not help him out. He will have his consequences. He knows if he goes back to full time smoking to the point that it becomes regular again, he is risking his marriage.
They are his choices. I can't make him do anything for me to trust him again. It takes years to build trust and only one lie to ruin it.
I have trust in him in certain areas, he is an addict... The trust I have in that is that he will use again and it will all flare up again. IN the main time, I am trying to work on me and learn as many skills as I can to be strong when that happens and decide then what it is I want to do for me.
When we went on holidays recently, we went to a place absolutely crawling in drugs. I trusted he would use. I trusted my HP to keep me safe and I handed it over to her/them. He didn't use. He wanted to, I could see he wanted to. I was kept safe and I did not have an argument about it with him. He was straight the entire time. Even he said he didn't believe it!!!! I didnt ask him why he was straight, I just thanked my HP for the wonderful holiday. The next one will be very different... Amsterdam... but I trust in my HP to keep me safe during that time and I will see what happens afterwards. See if that triggers something in him.
I can't wrap him or I in cotton wool. No matter if he has a stash or doesn't... no matter if his paraphenalia is in the house or not.. it doesn't change who he is, or the fact that he can just get more. What will be will be...
Thanks for the opportunity to write that out today.... I actually needed to hear my own words....
I didn't trust my husband to not lie until 10 or 15 years after he stopped drinking.
Lying was such a habit for him, hard to break.
My experience re dumping problems IE in family, relationships, work, financial ...whatever, on the alcoholic is that the more... in one hit the better.
To be overwhelmed with his mistakes even if he has in the past blamed you or another may assist with him hitting rock bottom.
Not a good idea to protect the alcoholic...as I was once so good at.
Gawd, I went around the world and back with setting conditions for my husband to meet in order for me to feel comfortable investing in our marriage.
Then I learned how to set boundaries instead. Unfortunately for him, one of my boundaries was that I don't have relationships with alcoholics. Haha. Sorry...but I hope you see my point. The more "rules" or conditions I shared with my husband, the more information he had to manipulate me with and to find loop holes around. Your mileage may vary. Figure out what YOU want, lay it bare, and he will or he won't. Then your path is a bit clearer.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Love that one of your boundaries was taking care of you..no relationship with a alcoholic! Actually pretty funny and pretty basic..wonder how/why we tolerate situations we would NEVER want to see anyone we love involved in.I read somewhere that I may have been the best thing that happened to him, but was HE the best thing that happened to me..hummm....another huge reevaluating moment!!
-- Edited by Auntyaya on Wednesday 2nd of May 2012 08:41:15 PM
Well, it's one of those life-long boundaries! I can certainly sympathize with the struggle to get sober. But I just can't have an active addict in my life, as a close friend or lover/partner/mate. It is rather simple. I would never look at someone with a needle, shooting up heroin into their neck and think, wow, I bet s/he would make a GREAT friend! No, I say a little prayer for them and move on. Know what I mean? For me, it's no different when it's an alcoholic. The addiction taints everything and steals the soul of the person under that grip.
Well, it's taken me a long time and a lot of knocks on my head to get to that point. Now, recovered addicts...they are a HOOT (in many cases) and I love them!
And yeah, I'm with you...grateful for my ex-AH...a true soul mate because without him, I would have never found peace and serenity.
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Wednesday 2nd of May 2012 10:19:13 PM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
What a great thread. Needed this so much. Am always struggling with trust and how to talk about it. I haven't had any good luck--just blame thrown back at me and his apparent confusion as to how it got this bad. It's tough--thankful for this program.
