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We had a pretty rotten weekend, centered around a HUGE fight on Saturday night. The worst one ever, with the usual verbal abuse from my AH plus a tirade the likes of which I had never seen before from him. He trotted out "I hate you and I want a divorce" for at least the fifth or sixth time in the last year.
There were pretty much no open hostilities yesterday, but he slept on the couch again last night (after sleeping on the couch on Saturday night too) (which, incidentally, was totally fine with me). When I got up this morning he left the living room and went upstairs to the bedroom, without a word to me (very uncharacteristic). I finished getting ready, then went upstairs to get our son, who had just woken up. Got him dressed, then took him in to say hi to my AH and give him a kiss good-bye (like I do every day). After our son left the room, I asked my AH "do you want a divorce?" He said "Do you want a divorce?" I answered "no, but I'm not the one who says I do." Then he answered "no" followed by a "Are you going to be nice to me?"
People, it was all I could do to walk out of that room without totally losing it. I answered "I am nice to you" and left. After the way this man behaved on Saturday night? After the names he called me? Idiot, white trash, I'm a bad person, and words I would never repeat on this public forum, AM I GOING TO BE NICE TO HIM?!?!? Because, clearly in this situation, I am the mean one and he is the victim.
Ugh. I know this is the disease talking, but holy crap...how can any person, sane or insane, believe that after that kind of experience and saying those kinds of things, that the other person is "not nice?"
I know, I know...I have answered my own question...because he is truly insane from the alcoholism, and I need to look at him and see "sick sick sick" on his forehead. I am just so sick and tired of being abused, and then demonized afterward.
Would it make you feel better to know that my AH could ask that question of me after one of his tirades when he was SOBER? Yep, he would be so enraged by something, literally red in the face and eye sockets, screaming at the top of his lungs, and he would think that I had to be nice to him????? UGH! He literally wouldn't remember any of the stuff he ranted and raved about, and usually it wasn't even about me, even though he'd blame me and somehow work me into the rant.
Yes, sick is the word. I prefer seeing the word 'insane' on their forehead. A friend of mine, who does not live with addiction issues, gave me a great tool that I'd like to try some time. She said that when someone is slinging crap at you, you should literally physically step out of the way of the crap. She said you can bob and weave, duck, step one foot over to the left, whatever. Just visually and physically step out of the way of the verbal assault that's being thrown at you. I haven't had a chance to use it yet because the one conversation I had with AH this weekend where he went off on me was in the car and I was driving. I couldn't physically step to the side but I visualized the word "insane" on his forehead. He kept insisting that EVERYONE drives on a suspended license and he's got to make a living so he's just going to have to break the law. His lawyer told him to do it. UGH, seriously?
Sending you lots of support today! Remember, you can start your day over at any time! HUGS!
Detachment is sooooo important. And don't worry if it is detachment WITH love, for the moment. Just detach. You don't have to have sympathy, compassion or empathy at this moment, unless it is to help you. Be good to yourself.
My hubby used to have blackouts when he would be horrible, act horrible, do stupid things. We had a big fight (and then I ended up laughing because I finally remembered the insanity of alcoholism) about if he liked eggs. He said he hated eggs, but I told him I had to buy a dozen eggs every couple of days because every night he made himself eggs. He called me a lier. This was months after when he got sober. All I could do was laugh. This is just a mild example of insanity. And do you think he could ever back down in the face of incontrovertible evidence? Oh no. I am the lier and he knows what he knows. All I can do is just laugh about it. If I didn't laugh it would make me depressed.
You have a grown man with the emotional maturity of a 12 year old (or younger). Imagine the age at which he probably started drinking. That is where he is stuck emotionally. When I was 13 and I acted like a brat, then argued with my mom and then told her she should treat me better. Pretty much the same scenario you have with a grown man who has emotionally stunted his growth through alcoholism. So the "sick, sick, sick" is really true and it revolves around emotional immaturity.
One of the best tools I learned in the program from my sponsor was to learn who it was I was dealing with at the time I was dealing with her.
Was I dealing with my wife...or...was I dealing with my alcoholic? Different expectations and outcomes helped my understanding a ton.
Since I can only control and manage myself I need to have the right picture of what is going on in order to do good management. My wife wasn't always alcoholically screwed up and my alcoholic/addict wasn't always the good natured, funny, helpful, good to be with partner. My recovery is about me getting it right and getting me right. Her disease wasn't about me and mine isn't about her.
Keep on keeping on Steph...you're getting it. ((((hugs))))
Hmm, I am seeing, alas, some of me in what the alcoholic may do. As I explained on a post I started on 5/7/12, I spent the weekend wanting my boyfriend to be in a nicer mood. To be more nice. Ugh.
Also, it did not work. He was angry (he said I violated his boundaries and I can see that). I got angry. Oh, what I mess. I meant to type "a mess" but I typed "I mess" and that fits perhaps better anyway.
At least, I did not throw out insults. But I was was demanding, wanting him to be gentle as if he was my Higher Power. And I was angry and then quiet and withdrawn.
Unfortunately, I was emotionally unsober. Fortunately I have awareness and am willing to be honest.
