Happy Birthday!! Hope you are feeling better. Be proud of yourself for being so strong and having the courage to put the phone down. I can't imagine that most people in our situation haven't had that fantasy a time or two (or 100). I can't tell you how many times my mind still tries to lead me down that path, even though the thought of ever being with ex AH again gives me the chills. We codies have fought (or are still fighting) so hard, and for so long, to try to get them to see and be what we remember of them when we first fell in love, but never realizing that they are literally showing us who they are now, we just keep choosing not to believe what is right in front of our face. I read a quote the other day that I can't remember verbatim, but in a nutshell "God takes people out of our lives for a reason, so stop trying to pull them back in." If we believe that God will take care of us then why would we not believe that this is one way of him helping us out. I constantly prayed for the craziness to end and for God to stop the chaos, and even though he didn't do it the way I had planned (miraculous instant recovery), he did it by giving me the strength to finally leave. I now know that just because it is not how I had planned, it doesn't mean my prayers weren't answered. He led me and my kids out of the chaos, and not a day goes by that I am not grateful that my prayer was answered.

At first my emotions were overwhelming and erratic. I went from rage, to hurt to sadness to apathy etc in a matter of minutes. I began to journal, write letters that were never sent, and attend meetings. Over time I was able to begin processing my feelings. I made a list of all the wrongs that my exAH had done to me throughout our time together which, to this day, i still find myself needing to read and add to anytime I start to reminisce and need to remind myself that that person does not deserve me. We try so hard to make our alcoholics see how great things could be if they just change, but have such a hard time following the same advice for ourselves.

The hardest part is over, you have already made the decision that you deserve a better life than what was being offered. Now is the time for figuring out what makes you and only you happy. I find that kickboxing is an excellent tension reliever, especially when I am having a bad day. (perhaps taping a picture of the ex might make it more motivating...jk.) Whatever you do, please remember that you deserve to be happy and that time will ease the hurt. The flood of emotions eventually do become easier, especially if you are focusing on your recovery and finding the things that bring you joy. Hugs to you for being so strong!

Oh, I remember telling myself that fantasyland is only at Disney. It is not in the real world. We live in the real world. We have to look at reality. It is so sad. I cried buckets or tears.

Take care of yourself.

It is strange this codependency thing. Transferring my resistence to self care and self nurturing onto another person...trying to change things about them in order to make my life better! Trying to fix them to make me fixed. Thinking that if I have their love in the way I think it should be then my world will suddenly be ok. My own anxieties, low self esteem and relactance to motivate myself to fully be aluve will miraculously vanish if the other person changes! (((Happy Birthday))) Tigger x