The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so happy to hear that you have been attending Alanon meetings and have begun to turn a difficult situation around. The tools of this program. are so very helpful
We who live or have lived , with this disease have been definitely affected by it. Irrational fear and dread are symptoms that we exhibit.
We do need the alanon program of recovery to help replace these fears with courage, serenity and wisdom
Keep coing back
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 30th of April 2012 07:45:17 PM
Has anyone else had this problem, and if so, how did you deal with it?
Briefly, I'd been in a long-distance relationship with my partner, decided to move the 200 miles to join him... and then the relationship really started going downhill. Basically I'd walked into a situation with a heavy drinker with a history of domestic violence, and I was self-deluded enough to think that everything was going to be OK. He ended the relationship just before Xmas, leaving me with nowhere to live, no job and in a town where I knew very few people. However, I've since turned that round - with the help of Alanon - and am coming to the conclusion that he is a blessing in my life, which promises to be far better than ever before, and I'm using the issues which came up in the relationship to work on myself.
However, although I've cut off all contact with him, I find I get a lurch of fear every time I see his name, if I see someone in the street who I momentarily mistake for him, and at the prospect of attending a social event where he might turn up. Rationally, it's very unlikely he'd be able to do anything even if we did meet face to face, and his abuse was verbal rather than physical.
Has anyone else on here had a comparable experience, and how did you deal with it?
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Never wrestle with a pig; if you do, you'll both get filthy but the pig will enjoy it!
I guess it's the pervasive fear which is causing me problems; the reality is that he doesn't know where I live and would be unlikely to do anything about it even if he did. And when I see his name on a website, or he's mentioned by a mutual friend on Facebook and I feel a lurch in the pit of the stomach - then I know it's irrational because I'm not in any danger whatsoever. Though it will evoke memories of a time which I spent in perpetual dread, which was when I lived with him. At the time, I thought the feeling of dread was 'old stuff' and went to see a therapist - and then realised it wasn't all 'old stuff' after all. Though some of it was.
The time when I first started going to Alanon seems like a fog now - I'm not even sure of the date - I was in a state of shock and, wow, do I owe a mammoth debt of gratitude to our branch for helping me to keep going during those early days. My fellow Alanon-ers certainly do understand in a way that others couldn't.
I have since realised that I'd chosen a partner who would confirm some very dysfunctional beliefs I had about myself, and about relationships, and on the positive side - now that I've become aware of them, I can start to deal with them. Steps 4, 5 & 6 are very prominent in my life at the moment and will continue to be for the foreseeable future. I want to stop giving my ex partner the power over me - a power he doesn't even know he has! I also find that the more I share, the less the fear gets.
Thank you all for being there!
-- Edited by Nutbrownhare on Monday 30th of April 2012 04:22:18 PM
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Never wrestle with a pig; if you do, you'll both get filthy but the pig will enjoy it!
Yes, it is part of living with an alcoholic to have irrational fears. But sometimes your fears are not irrational. You have to know the difference. Puppies that are abused have fear of being kicked again. They flinch when an abrupt move is near them. That is self-preservation. Sometimes your fear is self-preservation.
I'm currently in a similar situation, I think. My ex RA was verbal and not physical, however he has moved close, is breaking a stay away order, etc...
For me, I've felt a lot of fear, and can pretty much identify where it's coming from. 7/8ths of it seems to be reactionary fear, the fear of seeing him and feeling stalked, I really really really don't think he will physically hurt me. 1/8th is valid fear, the fear that my ex will lose it, especially as I try to bump up my restraining order. I think acknowledging both kinds of fear is important. In a way I have more trouble with the pervasive, reactionary fear, because I feel like I should just be able to shut it off. [ If I ever figure THAT one out, I'll let everyone know! ] I guess on a plus? side, a very experienced counselor, AND a friend of mine who escaped a verbally abusive marriage say that the feelings of fear are normal. Doesn't feel good, but normal.
I'm trying not to give power to the reactionary fear, but am also taking steps to deal with actual safety. For the most part I've been doing pretty well, however, some days are easier than others. Trying to maintain normalcy is taking a lot of effort. I try to do as much fun silly stuff as I can, that helps with stress release. So does talking to my friend who got out of her bad marriage, she helps me feel like I'm not a nutcase. Another friend told me that someday I'll look back on this time and remember that it was hard, but I got through it.
You sound like a very strong person, to have gotten your life going again after all that uprooting. Impressive! Stay safe and keep coming back. Cheering for you...
That fear maynot have anything to do with him and what he did or might do. Since it was he who broke up the relationship maybe the fear is about what you may or may not have done...maybe about shame or guilt or second guesses. It might be about fear of what he might be thinking or saying about you in his stories and then...maybe not. I talk about what I learned about me during my alcoholic/addict relationships which I had no idea in the world what to call them or how to act in them. Before I found out about alcoholism I thought my relationships were normal...what I always lived in.
You're going to work on them...great for you!! You will come to understand. In support and welcome to the board. ((((hugs))))
The fear lessens with time, growing faith in yourself and your HP. You will grow stronger. Also, when you block someone on Facebook, their name won't appear anywhere, even if someone else tags or mentions them. I recommend.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
