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Lately my husband has been an every other day drinker.
On the days he doesn't drink, everything is supposed to be "normal" and if I'm "cold" or "standoffish" because I am resentful because i remember everything that happened yesterday not to mention the money he wastes, then it's like "what's MY problem".
Sometimes I finally tell him that I'm mad b/c he's been drinking. Sometimes he takes itand apologizes and sometimes he makes excuses and gets defensive.
I know I can't control what he does. But how am I supposed to keep the peace and just be grateful I have him sober for that time being?
Sometimes I really love on him when he's home and sober and he says 'if I acted like this all the time, he wouldn't drink'. Well that is bullxxxx because the next day he's drinking again (even before i have even seen him that evening).
Well, how am I just supposed to be like normal?
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 29th of April 2012 04:52:36 PM
One of the many things I learned in Al-Anon Mara was "Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice" and therefore I was not required to "keep the peace" without her participation. I kept only my peace not our peace and when she drank and used and wasn't participating she had mostly negative consequences. For me to assume all of the responsibility for the benefits of a "mutual" relationship was enabling. It enabled her to enjoy the benefits "and" continue to drink and use and be promiscuous, lie, cheat and steal. That isn't and wasn't just and I stopped doing it to myself and to us.
Where did I learn this and tons of other helpful, supportive "give me my life back" assets? Pushka shined the light toward it...get to the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups. When there sit down, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. Your life depends on it. He'll do what he decides to do most of which drives you crazy.
Keep coming back here to share with us and get support. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 29th of April 2012 07:37:22 AM
Go to an alanon meeting and start healing yourself. Justified resentments are so hard to let go of .. it starts with a step to the rooms of alanon.
Hugs, P :)
Keep coming back :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
A resentment forms when your boundaries have been tread upon and you have been unable to resolve it. One tool for not getting so upset is to communicate what you mean, but don't say it mean. It personally makes me mad to hear other alcoholics blaming their drinking on spouses, but that's my issue. You know you don't make him drink. Accepting those statements might have you feeling resentful though. So while it may not help him or change anything - You might actually need to "hand the disease back" to him in the form of actually saying "I don't make you drink ever. Only you make you drink." That's just setting a boundary for you so that you don't feel like you are taking abuse. When you don't feel like you are getting mistreated as much, you might actually feel more detached and less resentful.
Of course this might lead to a big blow up argument with your husband (when you set a boundary) - you will have to decide to what degree sticking up for yourself is helpful versus futile. Boundaries and detachment are simple concepts but they need to be applied differently to different people in different situations. Alanon meetings and literature will help you figure out how to apply these principle to your life.
When my husband was not in recovery, he would tell me that If I did this and that, he wouldn't drink. Now, with 11 months of sobriety under his belt, he tells me that he was full of it. It wasn't me that made him drink.
Also, I heard a spritual teacher say something about resentment a week ago. I forget the exact words, so I will paraphase: Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.
I agree with others, Al-Anon is one way to help release yourself of resentment.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
