The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I left my AH 3 years ago after 10+ years of confusion, anger and a broken heart. I knew nothing of alcoholism except that I couldn't be a part of it anymore. I found this message board the first week after moving into my new place and cannot even attempt to come close to expressing the gratitude and warmth I feel for everyone on here for helping a 26 year old single mom of 2 understand that I WAS NOT crazy. I could not believe that not only were other people dealing with the same stomach turning and anxiety filled situation, but your posts, backed with experience and knowledge, helped me realize I needed to fix me and get rid of the hate and anger I was clutching onto so tightly because I didn't know how else to cope.
I am a happier person today. I have been separated just shy of 3 years and will finally be filing for divorce in May. I don't know why I have never posted when I have had so much to ask at times and so much experience I felt I could give at times. I think it is the same reason I had not committed to filing for divorce until now...I just keep thinking he will miraculously snap out of it and realize how much he has to lose and we would put this all in the past and be happy once again. Believe me, I am well aware that that is not how alcoholism works, but I always held out a tiny bit of hope.
I know I am making the right decision because I am at peace with it at last, and have been since about October. We have known eachother since we were 5, grew up in church together, and by the time were were 16 we were inseperable. He was my best friend and was even there for me as my biggest support system when I lost my mother unexpectedly to cancer last year. It breaks my heart to lose someone who has been such a huge part of the majority of my life, but I know I am only grieving for what I had hoped could have been, not what it actually was.
I just want to say Thank you again to everyone who has shared the good, the bad and the ugly that we are all, unfortunately, way too familiar with. You have all been a wonderful support system for me, even if you did not know it. No one understands the insanity we have had or are living in daily where living with an alcoholic is concerned if they have not been through it themselves, so hugs to everyone for choosing to live your life for you now!
Aha the lurker writes!! LOL Aloha Jessica and welcome to the board and thanks for your courage to speak out. Finding my voice was a major discovery for me too. There is nothing like hearing your story said in your own voice. It also took me 3 years to do "the divorce" and that isn't a problem because it showed me that I wasn't just reacting anymore but working "my" program and using patience. Using patiences is okay with my HP and my HP rather I use patience rather than just react. It was also proof that I had learned to let go and let God and then listen for the next direction.
Keep coming back and hold on to that excitement. It's catching and proof that you are growing. ((((hugs))))
Welcome, Jessica! Thank you so much for sharing such wise words from someone so young. You have a lot of life experience and we're glad you're here. I, too, continue to hold out hope even though I know the realities of alcoholism. Hope that he will finally empty out his hidden stash, hope that he will choose his own recovery, etc. And, my AH was my biggest strength for me when my dad died a few months ago. I understand where you're coming from, but we all know how crazy it can be to live with alcoholism.
I don't know if your name means you live in AZ, but if you do I wanted to say that we're fellow Arizonans. Again, thanks for sharing!
Jerry-Haha, I was definitely lurking!!! It was mostly just me trying to come to terms with how long I let him run my life. I was, and still am, very embarrassed that I allowed him that much control over me, and I still find myself having a hard time letting that go. I never knew how to talk about it on here because it was something that I was so ashamed of, and I was still so full of rage and anger that I doubt any of my posts would have made much sense until I could let that anger go. I am much more calm these days. I still get the occasional zing if a memory pops up out of no where, but besides that I don't want to dwell on the past which is why I finally spoke out. Thank you so much for responding and your kind words!
Ilovedogs-I'm so sorry to hear about your father, I hope you were able to spend time with him before he passed:( Yes, It was nice to have my AH there to comfort me and take on the extra responsibility of keeping the kids on my nights so I could stay at the hospital with my mom. He and my mom had a special relationship and I know he was trying to do what he could to make her happy as well. As far as going through all of this so young, I'm so glad that that part of my life will be done and over with soon and I can go into my 30's with a huge smile on my face knowing I will have much more insight into exactly what is and what is not acceptable behavior when I finally decide I am ready to start dating again. One of the scars I hate that I came out with from all of this is how little trust I have in people anymore. I have dated one guy in the three years I've been separated (it ended well) and have no interest in ever getting into another relationship again. I don't trust anything a guy says to me because I was lied to consistently for 13 years. I know that part of this is time, but I literally have an aversion to even thinking about getting any of my emotions wrapped up in another person ever again. I don't like that I can't shake that. Oh well, if thats the worst thing I have to deal with, I'll take it. Thank you so much for responding, and yes I am from Arizona!
