I thought maybe I'd share a bit about myself, my history with alcohol, and how I got where I am today.  Some of you may be able to relate while some may see nothing in common with me at all, but either way I felt it was cathartic for me to put it all down!  I grew up in a family where drinking was pretty moderate, except for my dad.  Even though he was a daily drinker I only saw him drunk when we had parties or went camping with friends, etc.  So, I spent my childhood around drinking but not really around crazy drunkenness.  I grew up cautious, though, for whatever reason I was not big into taking risks or into risky behavior.

There was a time when I had to take inventory of my own drinking though, back in college.  For the first 2 years of college I let loose.  I had many drunken episodes, but so did everyone else I associated with.  We regaled each other with our stories of alcohol abuse and how we wound up at the nurse's station for injuries sustained while drunk.  I blacked out many times.  I'm not proud of the things I did; I was 18 and 19 years old and was making a lot of mistakes.  We were all binge drinkers and basically, I drank to just fit in.  I hated beer, but 25 cent draughts was enough to get me to the bar.  I used a fake ID, the girl looked nothing like me.  It's amazing how bar owners really just don't care, they wanted our business and couldn't care less about serving under age drinkers. 

Anyway, I forget what my point was:  Oh yea, well my dad's drinking was picking up through those years.  He used to call me up drunk and say awful mean things to me.  I think I've posted about them here on the board.  I was 20 years old and hated my dad and hated his drinking.  He was also a smoker and so was I.  What happened that year was really a turning point for me, although I didn't know it at the time.  I started thinking: I don't want to end up like my dad.  So, I vowed to quit smoking once I graduated( and I did!), and I vowed to NEVER become an alcoholic.  I never thought about marrying an alcoholic, though, because I was so caught up in controlling my own behaviors.  I was so afraid of being out of control.  By the time I was 21, I was the designated driver every time I went out with friends.  I would have 1-2 drinks and be very aware of getting loopy and then I'd just STOP.  

Then, there was one night when I almost failed an exam and I was totally pissed.  I bought a bottle of wine and drank it in one evening all by myself.  The next morning I was filled self loathing and shame.  I vowed to never drink alone ever again.  I saw this as my first steps toward becoming more like my dad.

It's crazy how our minds work, isn't it?  I basically became so afraid of being out of control that I started applying my thoughts of control to those around me.  When my AH and I met, we both were drinkers( obviously, I didn't drink like he did but I was still drinking socially).  I never really thought about his drinking, even when I saw him drive drunk when he left a party we were attending.  It was just normal college behavior to me.  My AH graduated college at the age of 25, I was 22 and I didn't realize how immature he really was for his age at that point.  Right before we got engaged he had a drunken episode and I almost dumped him.  He came to my apartment, ready to hand me his spare key, and I forgave him.  I told him that I think he and alcohol don't mix well and he agreed.  He quit drinking for a while.  Now, get this:  a few months later he's looking for a new job and gets offered a position with Miller Brewing Company as a brand manager.  I cried, I begged him not to take the job.  He assured me that he could control his drinking and the job was only a 12 month deal anyway.  So, he took the job and he DID seem to have control.  We were living together at the time and I don't remember him ever having any drunken messes that needed cleaning up nor was he using alcohol to medicate himself at that point(like he had before).  He quit drinking after Miller, I don't remember what his reasons were and I think it was just because he wanted to.  NO program, no nothing, he just quit.  I told myself that I wouldn't marry him if he was an active drinker anyway but I never actually spoke that to him, it was a pact I made with myself.  Of course, once he quit I was elated and thought that was the answer to all our problems and of course, I married him.

Fast forward all these years.  15 years dry, no alcohol.  The minute he started drinking again and I was aware of it, my codependent behaviors were created out of nowhere.  It's amazing how all of a sudden you start counting bottles, searching for empties, watching for 'just how drunk is he/she'.  I'm still baffled by how I got crazy so dang fast, LOL!  For a long time, I used to think that I was headed down the path to alcoholism, now I realize I was really just traveling down the path to recovery, it's just a long and winding path.  For me, there was no direct path to healing, life has been a roller coaster path with lots of ups and downs and I'm so grateful that it's led me to Al Anon.  I'm really looking forward to using the tools I'm learning, no matter how painful it may be.  In the end, I know it will bring me peace and serenity.