The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It takes so much time .. I keep having to remind myself it's only been 90 days to the day today for me. It was a rough night, .. I know so much more than I want to know .. now I see I need to know to remind myself to continue to work my program and how sick my AH truly is. And oh boy .. is he sick .. he's actively drinking again, how much I don't know and it doesn't even matter. It scares me because it means he will go to jail at some point as he's drinking and driving again and he's not even off probation. The idea that he's drinking brings home how little I really want to remain doing the same thing. Nothing changes .. well .. nothing changes.
The lies are the lies which translate to things are never going to change until they want to get better. Just like the A's in our lives .. what we do is so not healthy for us. The only thing I know to do in these situations is give it to God (my HP), and continue to go to meetings so I don't forget, minimize/maximize what it was like to live with a very crazy insane person who has a very bad disease that affects the brain, body, and soul. I can remember that the hurt of the relationship far far far outweighs any kind of glimmer I think I might see. That person I saw ... is deep in the bottle of the disease and he has to get out and want out for him.
Glimmers of who they used to be shine so brightly and boy can I hang on to those and see things that are so not true. Only because it's exactly what I want to see, I want to see the potential, I want to desperately see the good, and that person I want my AH to be .. and I've got to look and see him right where he is at which is a very destructive path that I can no longer walk down .. even though that sick side of me wants to.
It gets better at least when I go through this crap .. I know it's going to pass and I know I don't have to stay here .. feelings aren't facts I just have to process and today is a I can see the sunshine even if the clouds are there. So don't give up hope my friend that it gets better .. keep coming back and keep putting the focus on you!!
Hugs P :)
-- Edited by Pushka on Saturday 28th of April 2012 10:11:52 AM
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I keep writing this and then erasing it because I don't want to say what I'm seeing in my AH....After a month of sobriety and some sweet time together...he is floating away on a river of drugs and vodka, again.
I moved out of our home 2 years ago- with a boundary of not seeing him when he is drinking. But wow can that man lie!. And wow do i want to believe him...I want to move home...i want us back together and happy...It's a fairytale.
In my f2f meeting people are wonderful but most are parents of children with drug and A problems. I'm aware that is devasting, but in a diferent way than in a marriage. So here I am 59 years old and it feels too late to start again...
My HP and Alanon gave me the strength to change my life ..but how do I keep from missing it so much.
The prospect of being alone was so scary for me....but the hell of being with my ex-A was worse. I didn't even try to say I would still see him if he wasn't drinking cuz I knew that would never work. He never showed any real sign of wanting to stop and the trust was eroded far beyond being able to fix. While I had 7 years into that relationship, it had gone totally toxic and there was no living in limbo, no waiting around for him, and no putting my life on hold. I tried for like that last 2 years or so to make it work while being miserable. That was a waste. It took several months to heal up after being in a relationship with someone that sick for so long. I had also grown sick myself...sicker than him in many ways. The only difference was I knew I was sick at the end. All I needed to know at the start of this journey was that I really wanted to change and things developed from there with meetings and the 12 steps.
The scenario Pushka stated is also true for me and my ex. My life has taken exciting new turns. I am doing all sorts of new things. His life is the same craziness.....maybe worse. Not only does he still have his crazy drinking but he's gotten into all kinds of freaky things and is now dating a crack addict that steals from him. I shiver when I think that this is the person I spent 7 years with. Ewww. He's in my heart in some ways now cuz hurt feelings are pretty much done almost 4 years later. I talk to him from time to time, but seeing him now has me going "Oh my God! What was I thinking!?" I had to make some radical changes in me to get to the point of being able to have this perspective though.
Also.....59 is not too old for anything. If you set the standard of "it's too old to build a 40 year marriage"...well yeah, that is probably true. It's not too old for you to have a life beyond your wildest dreams. Different does not mean bad. When you realize nothing is changing in your life and then you go in the direction of change - it's scary, but thrilling also. You can define yourself any way you want. You already took huge steps in moving out on your own right?
Thanks you both so much for saying what I needed to hear. I guess my HP came through for me today. I looked up a meeting for today- i don't usually go there...but it's a meeting.
You sound like you're at the door of acceptance alexmaui and just hesitating before passing through. When I go to a meeting I usually don't go to like you did today, it opens my mind up to fresh perspectives and I meet some new people who I can get to know. You sound resillient but it's easy for anyone in our program to understand grieving over a lost relationship due to the disease of alcoholism. Going for fellowship after meetings and cultivating some program friendships, program people I can phone and leaning on a sponsor with the aches on my heart really helps me feel less alone.
So here I am 59 years old and it feels too late to start again
All any of us can do is start where we are. May be just my opinion here... but I think the mind is a very powerful thing and over time, I become what I believe. Thankfully, it's a woman's/man's perrogative to change her/his mind.
Thanks for your share. Hope you are having a wonderful day today. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
In a ponzi scheme you keep putting in money in the hope sometime its going to pay off.
I think in the smae way I kept investing in the now ex A more and more because basically I didn't want to accept the loss. The loss was actually right at the begining of the relationship when he told me stuff that would have made anyone run for the hills. By then I was hooked.
No one here is going to tell you to give up, moe out, stop trying. What you can see from people around you is that when they use the tools they stop investing in the A's actions and start taking care of themselves.
For me the leaving didn't happen for a few years. I had to do a lot of work to get ready for the leaving and stop overinvesting in him. I stopped arguing, obsessing and wondering about his usage. I also suffered tremendously. When I look back there were lots of times when I could have left but I needed a lot of al anon help to be ready to do that.
You are in the right place to be doubting to be talking about this to be clear about you are doing.
My Grandma got married at age 65 (I was 2) and she had a 15th wedding anniversary with him. Her hubby died in the swine flu epidemic in 1918 and she remarried in 1951. They had 15 really good years together. I remember she was happy.
