I set a boundary, now I feel like the bad guy - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I set a boundary, now I feel like the bad guy

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am wondering what the boundary you set was? I heard you say how you felt, but I heard nothing about how this was going to protect you or your son from further inhalation of smoke? Not saying you have to, but am wondering if I missed it? I hear you are upset about his drinking and decoration, what do you have planned and doing with your day? I am sending you love and support on your journey!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I have asthma so tobacco is a big issue for me.

Personally I stick to something pretty simple in the boundary issue. I can't be around smoking so I'm not. I have to have doors shut and windows closed around someone who smokes.

I think second hand smoke is a health hazard.

I do live with cats and dogs so I have a lot of air freshner and sometimes burn incense to get rid of nasty smells.

Maresie.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I bet you could find a really expensive room air filter - the best of the best - maybe an idea would be "Hi honey, I may be purchasing this air filter, but I will reconsider if you are willing to smoke outside".

And there are some great air filters that will really keep stuff like that cleaned out. My grandpa smoked pipes. I actually love the smell since I grew up with it but I will NEVER admit that to a guy I'm with LOL

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, he's doing the smoking outdoors. It's the actual tobacco in his office that stinks. He has bags of it and he also is collecting those cigar boxes and they stink too. I feel like I'm living in a cigar store. I burn candles and that seems to help in the main part of the house but his office is right across from our son's room and it's a nasty smell.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Hmm well - maybe a plastic bin? I don't know but yeah I'd want to get rid of it too.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I would honestly ask myself why I'm reacting with more intensity now to something he's always been doing. You mentioned his dui and that he has a bookcase with beer steins and seems to worship his beers. Those things could really brew a big resentment. Maybe you could have your own bookcase with your recovery books and the way he has hung beer towels on the inside of his, you could tack up the serenity prayer and slogans, put a beautiful picture of the two of you with your son maybe. You wouldn't be doing it to be in his face with your recovery, it would be for you to hopefully give you peace. You might be able to get him to be more attentive about his tobacco laying around if you approach him when he's sober and aren't bossy but he's likely going to forget when he's drinking. You're living with an active alcoholic acting responsibly is not up at the top of their lists. Your husband may love you and your son but until he finds sobriety he may remain self centered. TT

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you ever heard/seen Oreck candles? They are pricey, but may be something you might consider. Go to this website to read about them: http://www.oreck.com/Oreck-Pure-Candles

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

When my sons were young, I set boundaries about my AHsober's other addictions and fixations. He addicted to TV and computer games and who knows what else. I just said not in my house. There is more to life than TV, etc. So we did things as a family, we played games, went outside and even had no TV weeks. As I found out, you can't control a disease. He would go to his office at work and addict. His parting shot as he left the marriage was "I don't want to do no TV week, I want to be an addict". And he has. At least my sons know the difference. Hang in there.

Nancy

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

What I have seen is that an addict with no program is way more prone to replacement addictions. They have a bandaid on the problem so it just sprouts up in other ways. Replacement addictions are common even for folks in recovery. Tons of people in AA smoke and many can't ever seem to give it up. My sponsor who is sober 17 years was baffled at how I just stopped smoking 2 years ago from being a chain smoker while he has not been able to stop after trying countless times in different ways. I see it very clearly though. I wanted to get in shape and live a healthy lifestyle that didn't involve smoking. He didn't have that motivation, so he hasn't succeeded with that like he has with drinking. Also, it just morphed for me cuz now I'm addicted to the gym. Go figure.

Anyhow, I guess the only thing I would hope that you might take from this response is that odd, quirky, addictive/substitute behaviors are going to happen with an addiction prone person. This may help build your acceptance a bit better - even though I can imagine it's annoying as crap.

I know my partner has to tell me to stop binge eating, stop spending so much time on the computer, easy does it at the gym....etc. I don't do anything in moderation.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Pinkchip, I think you hit the nail on the head. The first few weeks after he quit drinking he was hiding packages of cookies in his closet!! He was bingeing on carbs, it was kinda funny and kinda sad. As for other addictions, I used to think he was addicted to TV for many years and since he was always a sour personality anyway I kind of liked his TV thing, it kept him out of my hair. Oh, and I was a smoker so I understand the habit and the addiction. I quit 20 years ago after smoking for 7 years, I was up to 2 packs a day and quit cold turkey. I quit drinking the same way, but that never bothered me like quitting smoking did. I am not a gym rat by any means but I did used to teach yoga a few years back and before that I taught step aerobics for a few years. I still go to the gym and take yoga classes, I think I need to see if we've got a hatha yoga class this AM, this thread is making me want to go to class, LOL!

Tiredtonite: He hasn't ever smoked a pipe before, this just started when the drinking picked up but got worse when he quit drinking. He was smoking that pipe about once a week and now it's every day, sometimes twice a day but it's an hour long ritual. To me, I see it as a waste of time but I also think sitting in front of the TV for hours on end is a waste of time, too, LOL! I really like your idea of putting up some of my recovery stuff. I was actually thinking of putting up some slogans on my side of the bathroom mirror. My books are already all over the place. In the bathroom, on my nightstand, in my car, on the tables, etc. He sees those on a regular basis and he's made it clear that he's not interested in my recovery and that he thinks that Al Anon will steal me away from him. I truly think he's jealous of Al Anon and he thinks I'm going to be told by everyone there that I should leave him.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.