Someone must relate? - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Someone must relate?

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Debs I so relate, I have a child down my street that is always up and down on her scooter or bycycle so full of life and energy, she is so pretty and carefree and I love to see her happy and actively enjoying her day, but it does remind me that I was once like that too and although the mind is willing the body is weak, I look in the mirror too and don't regognise the person staring back at me, and I have also realised that I am becoming invisible, inside I feel I am still a child and yet the mirror tells me I am not so.

I totally understand what your talking about, I just haven't ever been able to articulate it in the way that you have done, I am just the same as far as love goes, I am there for them through thick and thin and when I love I love totally and completely, I have yet to experience a mutual love that you speak about, I don't feel that I get back the love that I give or have given in my marriage, there are things that I wouldn't write on a public forum because I am ashamed of the depths I have stooped too in the name of love, just like you I try and make the best of everything but yet I do not ever feel comepletely fullfilled, I have been worried about airing this feeling because I don't want to confuse anyone into thinking that I am a fraud and alanon is working for me, because it truly is, this is the first time I have ever delved deeply into myself and started to ask what does Katy need?, I have always tried to be right with folk hoping that if you give your all, it will come back, sometimes it does and sometimes it just doesn't, I am not good at asking for help, fear prevents me from rejection, and also asking anyone for anything is so alien to me, our daughter has just phoned home from london to say she has arrived home safely from india, she asked me not to tell her dad she phoned me first because he will be off with us, how sad we feel we still have to do these things, I don't see my family enough because he gets jelous, i recognise these problems now and yet I am still doing them, I know I have choices now though and I am learning to not take things personally, I am not jelous of anyone or anything and I would give anyone my last penny, maybe this is just another layer of that onion Debs, I will race you to the core, thankyou for being brave enough to post about this it needs to be brought out into the light.

love you lot's

Katy

x

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

That was beautiful thank you from my heart! deb

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

You know Debs, some people are just born to love and give and all of that, and I suspect when you hit the jackpot you get it back in abundance that which you have been lucky enough to find not once but twice, I have had only a few moments in my life with someone I love where I have felt complete and utter happiness, I am just in the process of finding out who I am really, and what I like and love and what is acceptable to me and what is not, I am starting to look at what enriches me and what taketh away, I think I am finally maturing at last, I love that you can be so open and honest here to show and tell us what your heart desires, I will say a little prayer for you my friend x

katy

x

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((( Deb ))))

I haven't been on the message boards for months so am thinking HP guided me here today to read your post.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I relate to what you are going thru.
Years ago when I was diagnosed with PTSD I went into the deepest depression and horrible agoraphobia. My daughter and I have been joined at the hip since the day she was born and I thought she of all people would be the one person who would always be there for me and vice versa.
She was an adult at the time, and I was shutting people out of my life left and right. Couldn't even leave my home for 2 yrs. My husband bless his heart did his best to take care of me and I am sure he was taking my depression personally, my son was sinking into addiction and I couldn't even try to intervene. So my daughter moved home for a summer. Inside I was thrilled she was there, but I was so sick in my thinking I couldn't tell her that. She tried so very hard to "tough love" me out of my depression but that didn't work of course.
She let me know Loud and Clear how incredbly disappointed, embarrassed etc she was of me. She told me I was not the mother she knew and she wanted nothing to do with "This mother". And at the end of that summer she left here vowing never to return. That "her" mother was dead to her. And she was right, I will (thankfully) never be the person I once was, hopefully a better person is emerging. So I knew the reason she cut me out of her life. I didn't have to do any guessing.
And even knowing that I still couldn't snap myself out of depression and anxiety and watching my son get high day after day
Then I woke one morning got out of bed and dropped to my knees and asked my HP (whom I call God) whom I had left behind years ago to please help me. 3 days later I was lead to alanon. A miracle to be sure.
Little by little I got better. I started trying to communicate with my daughter, she wanted nothing to do with me. She let me know that over and over. I handed the relationship over to HP over and over.
I truly believe it was pure fear on her part because we were so close that she believed looking at my drastic behavior change she thought she was looking into her own future and if she cut me off, stayed away she could avoid it.
While she would not acknowledge me I kept in contact with her with emails or texts. Sometimes with no reply sometimes with an angry reply. But I felt it was important to keep assuring her she was loved weather she liked it or wanted to acknowledge it or not. And as time progressed I started to believe she truly didn't love me at all any more. When I was ready I sent her an amends letter which she angrily rejected. I told her it was ok if she rejected it.
This went on for 3 yrs. 3 lost years I will never get back.
Then I wrote a letter to my HP one last time asking he bring our daughter back to us.
And he did slowly, but he did. She made the first move. Wanting to meet on neutral ground for a cup of coffee. But that lead to further communication and we slowly got to know each other again. Neither of us the same people as we were 3 yrs ago. Today I can see the love in her eyes and I think the one most critical thing I finally said to her was "I understood why she needed to detach" just that simple sentence her whole demeanor changed. She didn't know how to detach with love so she did it the only way she knew how. And I finally got that.
So i am babbling about my experience for just this one reason. To let you know I have walked in your shoes and understand how hurt you must be feeling. But do not underestimate your son's love for you. He too may be detaching from that one incident in the only way he knows. It doesn't take away from a lifetime of love you both shared.
I wish you peace as you work through this with your son. No one can hurt us more than our own children and having gone thru this experience it may be also true that no one can hurt a child (no matter how old they are) than a parent. I have a feeling all will be ok with you and son. You are always a person I look to for ESH. I hope in some small way I was able to articulate this well enough to give back to you some hope.
Blessings and Prayers

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

We are sometimes just as sick or sicker than our A's and even though we are working a recovery program we are not perfect and our kids know it best of all. I believe as long as I forgive them and keep communication open and honest with open hearts and minds with them, we will get through our difficulties with them eventually. My 14 year old is much more emotionally healthy than I ever was until recently and both her parents and all her grandparents have had this family disease. She was raised for the first 12 years of her life in complete chaos. I have taught her as much as I could about it and now it is up to her to handle this family as she sees fit. Sometimes she closes me out and that is okay, because it took me a long time to stop being codependent and globbing onto her and now that I let be her own person with her own life and schedule and I am just a Mom, we are not as close, but I feel much healthier with our relationship. I sometimes try to ask about personal things going on with her and her gf's at school, but she gets red flags and lets me know to mind my own business gently! I am so proud of her for having red flags and setting boundaries with me, I never even knew I could at her age and my Mom was severly codependent on me. I feel we broke atleast that one and it comes at a cost, but in the long run I have to believe for the better! I ran far away from my Mom and still have a hard time relating with her, but I love her immensly! I just don't approve of her and her bf's pot usage and life style, but I am dettached and not involved and actually wished she called more, but she is living her life as she sees fit. I am sending you love and support and hoope my ramblings here make sense to you.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes I get pretty jealous of people having family because I have had to cut mine off. Indeed I had to move thousands of miles away to even begin recovery decades ago.

I have such a rosy glossy picture of what its like to have them. Thank you for bringing me back to reality.

Of course we all have our own view of love. Loyalty is hugely important to me. The friends of mine who have been loyal to me are very important to me. I can count them on one hand.

I think I am finally getting to the point of seeing other people have different realities. I have spent most of my life persuading people to be in my reality when they held fast to their own. Now I just try to work on how can I reach them in their reality and acknowledge my own. Because I have a view of what love is doesn't mean that they have to have the same one. I like to have common ground. I try to put my needs out there in a very small way and not mandate them.

I don't know that I can really get under someone else's skin anymore in the way I used to crave. I wanted to be the be all end all for others and now I want to be that for myself. Of course I care very deeply about other people but I have had to find that I have to do more for myself first and less for others every single day. Every day in so many ways almost every minute I have to curb my desire to reach out and help and care for others because I need to do that for me rather than for them.

Maresie.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all so much.

I loved that,"I understand you needed to detach."

Marisie, most all my family is dead. Most the time it was a very very good family. none were A's, was actually unusual how good of a time we all had with each other.

As far as kids, it is very hard. I love my kids more than life, but they are the only ones I allow to hurt me. I say that meaning, I love them so much I can't help but be hurt. If I didn't love that hard, I could control it.

It is worth all the pain.

thank you all again, debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.