its 2:30am, - Al-Anon Family Group

silent · Veteran Member

its 2:30am,

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

yep have been there darling. yep. And ya know what stopped me? When I finally go it in my pretty head, he does not care about you Debilyn.

So though I was driven to call him, go see him, check if he was ok, my head said,"he does not care."

The more I faced that and really believed that, I started healing. You bet I was sickly in love with this man most all my long life, had his son,went thru viet nam, his brain surgery, his relapse and on and on.

But honey he does not care about YOU. Yes you are wonderful for loving him, it is a horrible disease that takes him away from that wonderful love.But he does not care.

We cannot make them care.I had to finally see, ok you love him. So just let it be what it is. I quit him, just did not bother. Sure it was weird at first, horrible, its withdrawal.

Someone said,"Love is a grave mental disease." Sometimes it's true.

What I did was get involved in my horses and animal sanctuary as that was my passion. So I invite you to find your passion and get lost in it. And when you get that pull to contact him,or get love from him, tell yourself,"he does not love me."This is my esh.

There is too much life for us to let their disease suck us dry.

Glad you are here, you are progressing. You may not see it but you are.

hugs,debilyn

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Silent,
Obsessing wow it is horrible and so draining.
My exabf has been abck drinking for about 9 weeks he is really ill at the moment. thanks to al anon and coda I have learnt there is nothing I can do he is sick.
I have watch him detroy himself on of for 7 years, thanks to Hp today I can protect myself.
Over the past 9 weeks I have had hardly no contact i will not watch anymore he has done some terrible stuff again. But this is the disease I will not enagge with it. I try to not take it personal just get out of the way.
As for obsessing my brain get full of him him him. When i catch it and realise what i am doing I talk to my Hp tell him I love this person and hope he finds Hp and to please remove my obsessive thoughts, help me to focus on myself and help me to see his will for me. Or I keep saying the serenity pray, read, make a phone call anything to get the obsessive thoughts changed. talking to Hp normally works the best though.

I have been going to more meetings latley, its took a couple of months but i am more focused on my life and the obsessing is not as strong.
Than wham he txts today I love you happy anniversary I am back in AA. I tols hi loved him, glad he is back in recovery but I need to focus on me.
Today i want to live my life I love him but I have to learn to love me first.

take care you are worth it hope you managed to get some rest and have found a good meeting to attend

hugs tracy xxx

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you been to a face to face alanon meeting yet? Being with someone like you described can do a huge number on your psyche. The way you are describing being "addicted to him" makes sense... You were his lover, his nurse, his counselor. All of those roles were very time consuming and now without him, you give them all up and have to ask "What I am I now?" If you can really commit to alanon (face to face, sponsor, steps) - It will greatly aid you in filling up that void with healthy thoughts, feelings, spirituality.

I do understand your situation. I've been in similar spots. It never occurred to me that I really needed to learn to take care of me in order to have healthy relationships and a better life....Well...it did occur eventually but I wasted years getting my fix from relationships and other things too (for me I actually had my own alcohol problems too). I really recommend hitting alanon face to face meetings. You have much to offer and seem to be at the perfect jumping off spot to get involved. I know it feels like you are at a low spot - but really you are on the precipice of making some great strides if you choose to.

In support,

Mark

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Al Anon helped me with the mental obsessing. Gave me something worthwhile to think about...like what I was getting out of the obsessing, etc. and helped me focus on me instead of my AH. Not too long ago, I could tell you exactly why my AH did what he did, what he felt and thought, how he came to his conclusions...but I could not tell you what I wanted for lunch! Once I got out of his head and into mine, things improved in my life. It was uncomfortable, but that is where fellow Al Anoner's came in with their patient listening ears and stories of recovery. What a relief to know I wasn't alone, lost, or broken beyond repair.

Making a list of the things you won't miss about him can be a good exercise...if I am ever tempted to contact my ex, I will read that list over and remember why I left. Too much ruminating though made me feel anxious and never fed that hole inside of me. (My HP and the fellowship I found in Al Anon did.) The process of grief can be a wonderful gift and an amazing opportunity to grow. Take the pain and use it to flow light-years beyond old ways of thinking.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

((( silent )))

I totally relate with the exception that it is my son who even when he is in the same room with me is in his own little world because his disease doesn't allow him to be present with or for me in any way. Does that mean he doesn't love me or his dad? No. He loves as much as his disease allows. In his mind it's unconditional, he would do anything for us. But he is thinking with a diseased mind and thats what controls his actions. Should he be denied love? Absolutely not! Everyone is deserving of love. He is a sweet, kind hearted young man. But because my husband and I are both ill and disabled we had to turn him out of the house. He is homeless.
Does that mean we don't love him? No. We love him enough to allow him to make his own decisions and take the consequences of those decisions. It's called Tough Love, with the emphasis on "love". If my husband and I are going to stay healthy we can't live in his world. While my program tells me not to worry, obviously I worry all the time, waiting for that worst case scenario.
But if I work my program when I start to worry, I stop and start praying and hand my son over to HP. Sometimes I have to do this all day long.
Grieving a relationship is often harder than grieving a death because your loved one is still out there. Now again I remind you our situations are different. But I do grieve the son I once had and have to accept the son he is today. There is no breaking up or divorce with a child. Yet I still must let him go. I have to put my complete trust in my HP that all will work out as is should. I can't see the big picture so I don't know what the future brings. But I know this, my HP would want me to make the best decisions for me and if that means allowing my son to live his life as he chooses that is what I must do.
I can't put into words how hard that is at times. But with the support of those in this program, those who have walked this path before me and those who walk it with me today I can do it.
And so can you !!!!! You are not alone! Always remember that
You are in my prayers and I hope to see you in the Meeting/chat room again!
Blessings

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think my focus on the ex was a way to take my mind off me. I had so much going on all the time.

Personally i think throwing yourself into a program helps. When you are obessing practice detachment one moment at a time. When you are suffering do little things for yourself to make you feel better, cup of tea, snacks, whatever it is do it.

I also think throwing myself into talking to people about the program helped a lot. I threw myself in. I did it lock stock and barrel. I was willing.

I know where obessing got me, back to him, back to the craziness. Back to feeling responsible for him. For me I had to be in the don't know. I am still in the don't know with the now ex A 5 years later. I have had no contact for a few years now. I maintain that. I also make sure I know where he is living, which thankfully for me is 3 hours from me. I am so very grateful I have never bumped into him. Of course an active A wants to make certain they have enablers so they tend to go for the sure thing.

I'm so glad that you can come here and talk to us. You don't need to be alone.

maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Silent and Mahalo (Thanks) for your post because it reminds me of what it was like for me also...what I learned in the program and what it is like for me today. The program is about solutions and changing the me that I can change. God and I couldn't change my alcoholic/addict wife...She had to hit her bottom hard and want recovery more than she wanted the next hit or drink. If you're not in the face to face meetings yet I suggest finding the hotline number to Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and call as fast as you can. It is what I did that worked. Keep coming back ((((Hugs)))) smile

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