Who and when is appropriate to tell about your AH? - Al-Anon Family Group

hummingbirdkerry · Member

Who and when is appropriate to tell about your AH?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi, hey what worked for me was to let my loved ones know the truths of addiction.

We can even get good pamphlets of literature to give them. Or we can write the truths down and ask for what we need.

Most have no idea how to approach us and do not understand how we could love such a jerk.

But once they learn it is a disease they never chose to have, and the facts that helps.

Then for us to share what we need from them puts us both at ease.

Ex. What i need from you is to understand he is sick and doing his best. And I need your love and acceptance that I love this person.

He makes mistakes, but I still love the person he is.

Would love your support just to listen and you don't have to do anything, just listen.

Does this make sense? It sure helped me and my loved ones. They were so much more empathetic towards him. And they also understood what made me stay and or go get him and drag him home for awhile again.

They need to know you are ok, that you are taking care of you, that Al Anon is teaching you tools do deal with living with an A.

The bottom line is they love you, and don't want you hurt. So if you are hurt, let them know, but also letting them know what you plan to do, or how you are dealing is good.

I have been on both sides as my grandsons father is an A. Believe me I know the wanting to strangle him, to feeling empathetic. They are not together thank God.He was abusive.

What a GREAT question! hugs,debilyn

danni · Senior Member

After receiving much well meaning, but destructive advice/support from certain friends and family members, I now try to keep those kind of shares for my al anon support "team" (friends, sponser, this site). It isn't that I am now protecting my AH and his image like before, but by keeping this kind of sharing for people who I trust to respond in a way that is helpful, not ultimately hurtful, I am protecting myself and my serenity. I am careful now about and why I share my husbands behaviour and with who. Hope this helps, and I am sending you support and understanding!

danni · Senior Member

p.s. So when people ask, I answer vaguely and briefly like: "He is on his journey, and I am focusing on mine", "I've decided to just focus on myself and not discuss him right now", "I'm doing ok right now. We'll see how it goes"...and just leave it at that. For people who are used to discussing your AH and your marriage, especially family, it can be awkward at first, but by just not discussing it and repeating vague "focus on me" answers, soon this became the norm, and what a relief it is to have that boundary established.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

I went back and forth in my marriage so many times that I often regretted spilling my guts during the bad times. Then I felt like I had to justify to people why I went back. Once they were invested in my "story" I felt guilty about pulling back to focus on my relationship.

So I learned to be careful who I invited into my marriage. I had one friend, an Al Anoner (though I met her elsewhere), who understood the dynamics and loving an addict. I also had a therapist who at one time was our marriage counselor, so she had insight into my AH's personality, etc. It is important to be heard, but also, our friends can get tired of hearing it pretty quickly...and I wanted to have something to offer my friends besides my sad stories.

If people ask, you can gently say something noncommittal like- we're doing our best...we're taking it one day at a time...thank you so much for thinking of me, how are you? You don't owe anyone a long explanation about your very personal issues.

debbiems · Veteran Member

I too, just figured out that I share with my alanon family and not others. It was when talking with my sister in law that it struck me that she does not understand and chooses not to educate herself as to this disease. My first response was to get angry with how she was talking but then I remembered I, 6 months ago would of been acting just like her. If my friends and family ask about my son I will let them know that he is struggling and leave it at that.

Debbiems

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok didn't read replies (at work) for myself I like the "need to know" rule.

Is it my business to relate his struggles to everyone who knows him? To me that's his business and if I start discussing his struggles I'm in his business instead of mine. A common response I gave for the first few years post divorce/separation when someone would confront me with wild behavior on my ex's part: "You'll have to ask him, sorry". My neighbors went OFF on me for it, apparently he'd upset them, I wasn't there, he had moved out and I gave that response. They said "oh no, just because you are divorcing him doesn't mean you aren't a part of his issues anymore". I said "that's exactly what it means, talk to him, here is his number".

With my RBF - my family and kids know A: he struggles with alcoholism (general information) and he's in treatment because he wants it and knows it helps. After that, it's his business. If he wants to tell things he will I'm sure. My only thing is making sure I'm not hiding things. But there is no need for me to be specific.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I stress the disease to my family. They don't get it. Its run around in my family long enough for everyone to be smothered in denial. I just tell my Mom what I feel like telling her. If she becomes angry, I detach. That's her anger. I understand your worry. I told my family everything in the beginning and it was hard because it was so foreign. Its better now because they are used to my husband having these troubles and not being the golden boy they all thought he was.. haha.

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