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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> SO frustrated, but it feels like a waste of tears.
Post Info TOPIC: SO frustrated, but it feels like a waste of tears.
hummingbirdkerry


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SO frustrated, but it feels like a waste of tears.
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My AH was sober for 75 days after 2 years of binge drinking on days off. Not that great, but the best two and a half months of our marriage. He got drunk just over a week ago, and of course I was sick and hurt about it, but I figured one time in that long wasn't a big deal. Today, I worked and came home to him drunk again. I am so freaked out this time because I know that we're right back to where we were. This isn't over. It doesn't ever seem like it's ever over.

I love this man so much, and he's a supportive, sweet, and thoughtful husband. The thing that kills me is that he makes the decision to drink while completely sober, and it doesn't matter if we have a great night a church, a deep conversation the night before, or if he's going to make a ton of irreversible mistakes in one night. He knows that he's going to hurt me, break trust, and add turmoil to our relationship, but it's worth it.

Call me ignorant, but I'm just so mad right now that I have trouble buying that alcoholics just can't help themselves. They're not at fault for their actions because they have a disease. Then is he hopeless? He acknowledges that he's an alcoholic, but he isn't really getting help for it. Always excuses. The next excuse will be that his last large chunk of sobriety was done without help, but look where we are now?

I know that the focus needs to turn from him to me and how I'm doing regardless of what he does or doesn't do, but I can't separate it. I'm not trying to play the victim, I just can't seem to detach.



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Kerry
Dolly Llama


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The Why Alcoholism is Classified as a Disease (or something like that) sticky at the top of the forum really helped me understand why they *can't* help themselves. The video on that thread is awesome, if you have the time and inclination to watch it.

It takes a long time to reprogram the brain...the brain's function is damaged by substance abuse. It helps to understand this...well, it helped me anyway.

And on our end, those of us that love an alcoholic, it takes a long time to reprogram our brains, too. I can hear your frustration and sorrow. I am sorry.

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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
hummingbirdkerry


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Thanks so much for your reply- I read the sticky you recommended, although haven't watched the video yet. The part that got me was that alcoholism is "chronic," meaning it only gets worse if it isn't aggressively treated. It's scary to think of my AH getting worse, but he isn't really doing anything other than admitting he has a problem and getting small chunks of sobriety under his belt. I think everyone wants to think that their situation is different, myself included. Thank you for your wisdom, and I will watch that video soon, too.

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Kerry
Mattie


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It isn't that they can't help themselves.  It's that they can't remove the underlying disease that leads to this behavior.  But they can make choices along the way.  It's like diabetes.  You can't just decide not to have diabetes.  But you can decide to treat it or not treat it.  So we are not obliged to give their behavior a free pass.  However, we can realize that their behavior is not personal.

You say "It doesn't ever seem like it's ever over."  That is right.  In the majority of cases, it's not ever over.  I spent many years waiting for the time when the corner would be turned and it would all be over.  I put my life on hold.  I was furious with him for holding my life up like that.  I wish now that I had decided how I wanted to live my life, and gone ahead and done it.  For some people, that involves learning how to detach with love and stay close to their alcoholic.  For others, it involves separating.  In either case, the only person we can change is ourselves.  But when we change ourselves, the whole situation changes.



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hummingbirdkerry


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Such wise advice. Never thought about it like diabetes before, but so insightful! I feel like I'm putting my life on hold, as well. Not that I am not living or pursuing the things that I want to pursue, but I am always taking my AH's sobriety into consideration. Thank you, thank you.

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Kerry
Breakingfree


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I agree the video at the top is awesome and so was the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews! I hope you can make it to some Al-anon face to face meetings. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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danni


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Have you considered attending any face to face meetings? They were extremely helpful to me with all the anger, pain, and confusion. I am sorry things are so hard right now. You don't sound like a victim, you sound like someone who loves someone with a drinking problem. Easy does it. Recovery takes time and it does get easier and better. hugs.

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canadianguy


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http://alanon.activeboard.com/t48302381/is-there-a-choice-for-alcoholics-to-get-better-or-not/

 

We had some great discussion on the board a few weeks back, over this very subject...

Hope that helps

Tom



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Michelle814


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The alcoholic has choices to aide his/her recovery. Often, however, they don't know what to do. My husband will tell you he thought he was "terminally unique," you know like recovery just worked for everyone else.. but HIM. And if he did not get it he was going to die, definitely. Somehow it clicked. It truly is a spiritual and emotional disease and the alcoholic cannot grasp that to get help he must let go of the power he thinks he grips on the disease.. its trickery... in order to get better the alcoholic must let go of his trying and trying to "make" himself better. He can't do it.. he needs to accept help from a group and from his HP. That being said.. what he can do is accept powerlessness and then start working the steps.. So the alcoholic is powerless and powerful all at the same time.. but he/she would have to realize that there is hope and it is here and this is what to do. My thought on it anyway.

That being said.. its not just them.. same goes for us.. we try and try and try to force ourselves to get better; stop nagging, stop worrying, stop controlling, stop sneaking and prying and thinking about the alcoholic. I don't know about others' experiences but for me that only came with letting go of the reigns, admitting that I did not know the answers to the universe and accepting that I could rely on a HP to help me. The more I let go the healthier I become and then remember the things I do have control over like how often I go to al-anon, whether I read literature or not, write in my journal or not, call al-anon friends or my sponsor or not.. so on so forth.. I am powerless and powerful all at the same time. I may be rambling now but it is an absolutely trickery disease.. they call it cunning, baffling, powerful.. it is. Its confusing and irritating and that's why they say "keep coming back" because eventually it makes more sense.

The theory that we, as loved ones, can do NOTHING to help the alcoholic.. that is not true. Detaching with love, allowing the alcoholic his/her own choices, to make their own mistakes, to dig their own holes, and climb out of their own holes on their own.. and at the same time showing them we have hope but they must do it on their own and that we love them unconditionally.. That we focus on us, our recovery, find hobbies, make friends.. get busy with our HP's and our programs... That is all helping the alcoholic. Does it make sense? It did not, to me, before.. but it does now.. because I am living proof that it works.

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Michelle!

No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> SO frustrated, but it feels like a waste of tears.