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My son is 13 and he's had a variety of anxiey issues over the years. I pretty much believe many of them are related to how my AH used to blow up at him when he was much younger and I think it's partially inherited from my AH's side of the family(which is filled with a bunch of anxious, angry, depressed individuals). I have put him in therapy over the years. He is an only child who is homeschooled but goes to a homeschool co-op twice a week where he takes classes with other kids and has teachers other than myself. He also plays competitive tennis and has friends all over the country as a result of his tournament playing and travel. He is well traveled, very silly, and immature for his age. He also has ADD and a tic disorder.
So, as things have progressed with AH I keep wondering how things may change for us and I realized that I really need our son to become more independent. He hates staying home alone and he suffered terribly with separation anxiety for years. He finally can stay home with AH without worrying about me and that is a big step yet I still cannot get him to stay home alone for very long. Tonight I was going to my meeting and AH wanted to go out shopping so I told our son that he could stay home by himself for a little over an hour. At first he said he would do it and then he changed his mind and went with AH shopping. I know there's really no advice to give here, I just needed to vent. I don't want to miss my meetings in the future when AH is in jail so I'm frustrated that our son can't suck it up and spend an hour at home alone.
Dear Lover of Dogs, Bless his little heart. I think it would be impossible for anyone to know what it is like inside his head. I was thinking how great that he feels safe enough with you and his father to do what feels right for him. I can only imagine how frustrating things can seem sometimes, but I am so glad for the child that he can say how he feels. Our daughter was 11 when we first left her alone for an evening. The next year we moved and she started babysitting. I used to think I wonder if those parents would feel okay if they knew she was having sitters herself 14 months ago. If she hadn't been an only child, if she'd been taking care of a younger child, she'd have been brave enough to stay alone sooner. As a child, I always felt braver if I was holding the hand of somebody younger than I. I said parts of that to say, things can change very quickly in adolescence. Your boy has had a lot to deal with in his short life. Thank goodness he has a caring mother. And some great skills! One of these days, and it may not be long, he'll let you know he's ready, don't you think? Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
My experience as a kid was that staying home alone was a big step and transition for me. I stayed home "alone" (with my two younger siblings) for the first time when I was twelve. Keep in mind, I WANTED to stay home alone and BEGGED my parents to let me, but when they finally let me and left to do a few short errands, I scared myself silly. LOL. I was very independent as a kid and had a good head on my shoulders and STILL staying home alone was a big step and transition.
I would say be gentle with your son and perhaps get some advice from his counselor about how to help him make the transition. Keep in mind that he may need to take baby steps to get to the BIG step of staying home alone. Can you balance his process/feelings/needs with your needs?
I had anxiety as a kid...and I say I have ADD tendencies, but I've never been formally diagnosed. I was home alone a lot and found it easier when I had something I could become engrossed with...gluing beans on cardboard to make a picture frame or some sort of art project like that...maybe a pet gerbil would help with the anxiety?
Whatever the solution is, big hugs to your little dude.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I wonder if practice would help? Like you go to a nearby store, you leave him the phone, with your cell number and set it up to be gone just 15 minutes. He can watch the clock if he likes.
Slowly work up time? It's got to be a lot different when there are multiple kids. My two older boys love being home alone but they are not "alone". As they have gotten older (nearly 16 and 14), they actually do fine "alone" as in totally alone. But rarely at night just for my own comfort.
Totally alone would have probably scared me as a kid too. But I had siblings too so it was never alone. Hugs!!
