The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My in laws emailed. They are in the area for a work thing (they live on the East Coast, I am on the West Coast) and said they picked up a suitcase from my AH that I had borrowed and found a piece of jewelry in it...wanted to know if it was mine, where to send it, etc.
The old me would have stewed and been hurt that they didn't make an effort to meet up with me while they are in town. The new me stewed and was hurt and felt weird for about 5 minutes. Then I told myself that I didn't know their circumstances...maybe their schedule was full, maybe they feel it is too soon to see me or didn't know if I would feel like seeing them, maybe they just didn't want to see me out of loyalty to their son, or any number of reasons. It wasn't personal, so I let it go.
I asked myself what *I* would want...did I really want to see them. No, I don't. It's just too soon and would be awkward. And instead of being upset, I felt grateful they emailed me about the jewelry and wrote them back that next time they were in town, if they like, to let me know and we could meet up for coffee.
If they do, great, but if they don't, that is fine too.
My second test came in the form of an ex-boyfriend from 10 years ago. He lives an hour or so north of me and we made plans to meet for dinner and just catch up. He's a great guy, always treated me with respect and I really trust him. I am looking forward to reconnecting with this old friend. No romantic agenda, he's just a great person.
Of course, I am a lonely woman, haha, so my mind started to get carried away with...what if tries to kiss me, what if my old feelings for him come back, oh my god it's way too soon, I'm not ready for that, but what if it's nice...etc etc. My mind was a runaway train!
I'll admit I got carried away in fantasy, playing out all sorts of scenarios in my mind. Then I was able to stop myself and check my intentions. Yes, I really just want to spend some time in conversation with him and learn about what's new in his life. I would not enjoy my time with him if I was running a fantasy in the background of my thoughts. So, I am going to stay in the moment, be present to fully enjoy my visit, and just let the day unfold.
It is easy to work my program in a void without interactions with other people! So I am taking these 2 interactions with my in-laws and old friend as gifts to practice letting go of trying to control situations, and keeping my peace when others don't act the way I might like them to. It's big progress for me!
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
In support Dolly...for me I had to watch those things that came under the "Needy" column because that was my weak spot and where I continued to make bad choices. I dismissed the suggestion "no new relationships in the first 2 years of recover" and found out why that was a good suggestion by not following up on it. I needed much more support and ESH from others more experienced in recovery otherwise I was using what I use to rely on before expecting different results. That resulted in me camping out the my sponsor's and HP's back door knocking and knocking and pleading "help me...Help Me...HELP ME!!"
I can nurse those grudges. I had huge grudges against the ex A's mother. Now I tend to look at her as a human being. Of course I also don't have to deal with her.
Speaking of getting what you wish for. I used to absolutely hate that every single holiday the ex A had to spend all of it with his mother. She mandated that he go to her house and spend at least 12 hours with her. She would always come up with this maxim that "we are family".
Just before I broke up with the ex A his mother met her childhood sweetheart at some high school reunion (we are talking a 50 year reunion here or something). They married within 3 months. She move across country and of course Christmas any holiday hasn't been an issue since. So I got what I wished for...a Christmas/holiday without her but the ex A was still the ex A and awful on a holiday regardless.
I felt her meanness to me was all about me and how I was reflected. Now I see that she was quite willing to dump everything and move across country, leaving friends, job and family behind when it suited her. She treated me no differently than anyone else I just took it all so very personally.
I think I would find it very very hard to go see any ex boyfriend. For me relationships are so difficult. I know what I viewed as "good" in the past wasn't boundaried, wasn't healthy and I have such expectations.
At the same time I'd also say that nothing is given, disaster isn't around eveyr corner and when I see a red flag now I honor it rather than hope it will go away. I go on dates with people. I watch the boundaries. If they smash them all up there are no other dates. Going slowly is hard for us. Low expectations are so crucial. Plan be is so crucial. For me personally checking in with a sponsor is so crucial because I don't know what balance is.
My loneliness was never filled up by a relationship. I craved them. I had some really unrealistic idea of what they were. I've had to readjust that. At some point I'd love to be in a relationship but the idea I have of them has to change first. In the meantime I'm open but I'm very very very cautious.
Thanks for sharing. If you went to dinner, I hope it went well! It sounds like you really worked your program when thinking about your ex inlaws. There can be all kinds of scenarios and we just can't know everyone's mind and heart, can we? You're doing great!
