The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a great experience the other day to see how Al-Anon has helped me to change in so many ways.
I was talking with a friend who was going through a nerve-racking experience where he told me he'd been seeing someone and she had called him and told him her period was late.
He had a lot of fear going on with that news. I was just so happy that I caught myself and put myself in check when I started to think of playing devil's advocate by telling him how scared the girl must be, too, and just drilling it in.
I used to do that all the time. If someone was having a difficult time, instead of being fully supportive, I'd always filp things around and try to make them see that others were hurting, too. And in hind-sight, I'm pretty sure that really ticked off a lot of friends in the past. I know I used to do it to my exAH and he'd get so frustrated with me. It's a small wonder sometimes that maybe he didn't like discussing things with me because I wouldn't just sit there and lend a supportive ear. I'd start trying to get him to see the other side of the coin when he never asked for that kind of input.
Sometimes being a good friend is just listening and recognizing a person is scared or hurting and remembering what it's like to feel that way, too.
That devil's advocate thing goes back to that character defect I have of trying to "fix" everything.
So, while in this situation, I know I would have probably related to the girl sooooo much more, I was still able to reign in my input on that and just listen to my friend and let him experience his fear and discomfort without trivializiing his feelings by telling him he should think about how scared the girl must be, too. The good news for him is she called him back yesterday to let him know she got her period, and I was able to celebrate the good news with him, too.
I only learned this behavior in the rooms of Al-Anon. Sitting and listening quitely while others share and not coming straight back with cross-talk and suggestions.
I continue to be grateful for the changes Al-Anon has brought to my life. Thank you so much.
I think the charactor defect of wanting to fix others came from my childhood of not being taken care of. I think I've had to value where that need came from before I could find ways of gently letting go of it. Beating myself to a pulp didn't change me, it made me desperate to get someone else to take care of me.
That's good, being a good listener, I'm sure he appreciated it. I read somewhere a mother was teaching her child to try to make at least 3 comments to a person telling you something before sharing about yourself, ie; talking about your own stuff "yea, that happened to me" I hope this makes sense.
Highlyfavored!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
I appreciate this posting Itoo benefited from my attendance at alanon meetings. It was here that I truly learned to LISTEN.
Since there is a No Cross Talk rule at meetings I was able to learn to listen with an open mind and compassion. I saw the value of simple active listening and of just being present to a person. This has proved a valuable asset in all my friendships
