The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm very grateful to be in the position where I can go for free counseling through my AH's work. I get a session every 2 weeks. I have been going pretty consistently since December. I'm extremely grateful that again I do have the opportunity.
Something that came up in counseling (I see an addictions counselor) when I mentioned I've got nothing .. no compassion, no pity, no sorrow, no anything along that lines for my AH and I was feeling very weird about it. I mean .. part of the reason I do attend AA is so that I can tap into those feelings .. now I totally feel that for the people around the AA tables the same way I feel it for people around the Alanon tables and here on the boards. My AH .. I got nothing! I think my give a darn button is busted .. anyway, long story short of this .. she said to me .. you aren't there yet. That's so ok considering what the past 2+ years have entailed. When you get through the 4,5,6,7, 8, 9, 10, 11,12 steps .. you will find it will click. It won't be about him and needing to do it for him. It becomes about you and why you want to move past those feelings. Needless to say .. LOL .. I had a lot to think about last night in those regards.
I've been working on step 4 in Blue Print For Progress. OMGosh .. I have to say working step 4 I feel very philosophical and then it also brings out what I am entitled to for me, .. for the kids and if I don't take a stand they won't get what they should and neither will I.
It is an interesting dichotomy as far as things go. I do feel so much more empowered .. again just want to move out of the anger .. I think right now I need it as a motivator and when I'm done with it .. it will be time to let go. I'm just not there yet and that's ok.
Anyway, thanks for letting me share, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You are still going through a harsh break up and have been through a lot of pain with regard to him. While it is ideal to be compassionate and caring towards everyone - It is human and realistic to have hurt feelings, anger, and to slowly just stop caring about someone who has hurt you. It also has not been that long.
Also, I have lots of empathy and feel connected to other people in recovery. I have diminished patience for people in active addiction who refuse to seek out the solution. Coming to this board has helped with that somewhat (knowing that not everyone is going to get sober like I did and that doesn't make them bad people), but I also recognize that my empathy and caring is kind of wasted on persons who don't want to change. The 12th step implores me to spend my psychic energy on those who actually do want help and to change.
Also, "feeling nothing" towards the AH sounds sort of like one of those "gold plated" problems. In saying that, I only mean it's a lot better than hating him and wanting revenge and all that ugly stuff right?
It won't be about him and needing to do it for him. It becomes about you and why you want to move past those feelings.
I'm very glad that you are open to what your counselor has to offer you.
The pyschologist that I used to go to did not articulate this to me. However, he must have known this. I gradually figured it out for myself. And oh my, what a great load off my shoulders and what replaced it was a deep sense of freedom and great compassion for my husband.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Dichotomy? I love that word but hardly ever see people use it. Seriously, I was an English major, LOL!
I can understand what you're talking about here, too. You're still working on yourself and you've grown so much! I love following your progress and seeing how far you've come. thanks for sharing!
"again just want to move out of the anger .. I think right now I need it as a motivator and when I'm done with it .. it will be time to let go. I'm just not there yet and that's ok. "
It really is a motivator isn't it...it tells me I need to take action on my own behalf or set a boundary or meet a need. Thank you for that reminder xxx
I did step 4 with the blueprint for progress book with my sponsor and it was very interesting some of the things it pulled out of me. My sponsor laughed so hard because I am very bluntly honest with her and she likes that I have learned to dig it out and say it out loud. I was stuck in anger for a long time, but when that dam broke other feelings got to come out and be felt and now I am more intuned than ever. At times I thought my seperation and then when I decided to file for divorce would be the end of me. Now I know it was the beginning of really finding me! I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
"You are still going through a harsh break up and have been through a lot of pain with regard to him. While it is ideal to be compassionate and caring towards everyone - It is human and realistic to have hurt feelings, anger, and to slowly just stop caring about someone who has hurt you. It also has not been that long."
I really agree, and it really has not been that long.
My give a darn button was broken until just recently - over 5 years. Only showing signs of life because he's finally making an attempt to be a decent father to our kids.
He made a comment yesterday of "I almost considered asking you on a date". My internal reaction was bells, whistles and sirens going off and resisting the urge to reply with "HECK NO". Instead i said nothing, probably the best option I had.
My give a darn button might be showing signs of life, but for myself the pain and damage prevents me from feeling those other feelings for him needed for some sort of reconciliation. Not to mention my family would line me up and take turns smacking me.
Let your give a darn button figure its point of operation :)
I'm 5 years out from leaving the ex a. In fact sometimes I feel his manipulativeness, his self centeredness is still very much up there for me. I know that is all part of the disease but the effect it had on me and our pets was catastrophic.
I don't think there is a timeline to feeling not angry. For me the anger keeps me from feeling sorry for him or feeling anything but anger to how he blew my life apart.
For me personally the issue isn't about getting it or being at any place other than where I am now. I beat myself up with that kind of timeline of recovery for so many years. Working the steps is great but the relief doesn't necessarily come from the first run through.
I do understand pain and suffering is option. For me the fact is I have to be in a lot of pain and suffering to change and I'd really like to not go that route in future.
There are certain people in my life who I choose not to be around and I have no apologies for that anymore. Right now that includes my family of origin (pretty much all of them) and the ex A. Many of the people who I have had relationships are in there too. Its great some people are able to move from relationship to friend in a nanosecond but that's not me. I can sometimes feel compassion and understanding for my family of origin but that doesn't mean I open the door to allow them to stomp all over me anytime soon.
Going to counselling is a great tool. I've spent a lot of time doing that but personally I've found having a sponsor is more helpful because they are down there in the dirt dealing with the same stuff all the time. Counselling helped tremendously but I had to have other resources. In fact I think a team approach is really good when you have had your life absolutely blown apart by alcoholism.
