The material presented
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7 months ago i started dating someone who was 5 years sober, or so I thought. We went away for new years eve and he had a few drinks and said it was ok to have a few every now and then. Well 4 months later he went to rehab because he didnt want to end up "out of control". Since rehab he has been very moody from sad to mad. He isnt working and sits around all day. He is pushing the marriage issue and I think its way to soon. I am a mother of 2 kids 10 and 8. My ex husband drank a lot and was very mentally and verbally abusive to us. When my boyfriend is moody i tend to go in withdraw mode because that is what i do to protect myself. I love him but Im afraid I will end up in another bad marriage. How long does the mood swings last after rehab? Is there anything I can do to help?
I'm glad you are here and sorry you're going through this. The early part of a relationship -- the first year, at least -- is a time of getting to know someone, so this information is valuable. What you know about him now is that even after drinking for five years, he can have a relapse. Moodiness is certainly a part of new sobriety, but it's also a part of many people's lives when they're dry drunks, or when the newness of a relationship has worn off and they're reverting to their true selves. So I'm not sure it's safe to say that moodiness is a limited-time thing that he's displaying.
The question that comes to my mind is, "If the relationship continued as it is right now, would it be a good one for you?" I waited for years for my relationship to turn around and my investment to pay off and for it all to get really good. But it didn't. I wish I had answered that question for myself early on.
I hope you can find a good meeting, get plenty of support, and keep coming back. Hugs.
I hope you can find face to face Al-anon meetings for yourself. A great book I read was "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews she wrote different volumes pertaining to different stages and relationships, but I believe the first book is a must read. I am glad you found us here at MIP! I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am in the process of looking for a meeting in my area. Just seeing both the replies makes me feel like I am not alone. I feel guilty for thinking about myself when he is hurting and I dont want to hurt him any more than he is so I keep everything to myself. Thank you both so much for reaching out.
What you can do to help both you and possibly him.. and definitely your children is to come to al-anon!!! Al-anon has saved my life, it can surely help you. Welcome!!!!
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Please do not think that you need to take care of him more than you need to take care of yourself. He is not hurting any more than you are, and his life is not your responsibility more than your own or your kids'. He deserves the dignity of taking care of his own life and feelings. And all alcoholics have AA open to them 24/7/365, just as we have Al-Anon.
I do hope you can find a meeting! There are miracles in store! Hugs.
I'm with Mattie on this one. You've already been through a difficult marriage and you need to think of your children. An Al Anon meeting would be a great starting place for you, though. Honestly, though, after 7 months and you aren't in the 'new lovey dovey' relationship phase and he's already been through rehab? I know I would have my doubts especially if he's relapsed in the past. I remember my grandmother had a saying for me every time I broke up with a boyfriend and it just popped into my head now, "Men are like buses. A new one's comin' around the corner every 5 minutes." I'm not encouraging you to get on a new bus, LOL, but I am agreeing with Mattie that 'what you see is what you get' and most likely he isn't going to be changing any time soon. You will need to decide what you can live with and expose your children to. Also, you said he's not working, is he relying on you to pay his bills or living expenses?
The book "Getting them Sober" was eye opening for me, but also any book on Boundaries or codependent behavior would also be good starting points. I found all these kinds of books helpful in dealing with my AH, both for while he was drinking and now while he's not.
He is in unemployment right now. I keep telling him he needs to get a job and stay active. He has very little self esteem. I am a nurse and always feels the need to fix everyone. My son who has ADHD is hard to be around sometimes and I'm afraid that will make my bf start drinking again. I'm really not ready to get married but don't know how to tell him without hurting him. I know let it go right?
I too would like to suggest that you give alanon Face to face meetings a serious try. It was here that I learned how to truly live my life, with compassion, empathy and kindness without sacrificing myself.
It is clear tht you are a kind and generous person who has many responsibilities and assets. Being honest with your BF in a kind and understanding manner is what I learned in alanon.
It is not necessary to abandon your needs to please anyone. You are not ready for marriage yet. You need to feel safe in a relationship before you commit again because of past history That is normal and understandable
What I found was that my partners were using my eagerness to please to control me. I didn't want to hurt them or make them upset, and that reinforced their habit of being hurt or upset -- because it got them what they wanted. I don't know if this was conscious on their part -- sometimes not, I'm sure. But if I stuck up for myself, my ex would be all sad and cold and acting hurt and saying things like, "Can't you just love me for myself?" I tried to say that asking for something (like, more time on a decision, or for him not to break promises) was not failing to love him. But he tried to make out that I was unloving if I didn't go along with the way he wanted things to be. Eventually I was practically doing back flips trying to keep him happy. And you can probably guess what happened -- I was miserable trying to suppress my needs, and still he was unhappy with me and criticizing my choices and being cold and withholding. What a miserable time. It's so draining that it leaves you with hardly any energy to start living a better way. But support and recovery are available. Hugs.
No one can make your bf start drinking again including your children and yourself! He has choices and if he is attending A.A. or has he knows that already. I hope you make it to some meetings and take your time before making any major decisions. Take care fo yourself! I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you everyone!!! You are all Wonderful! I found a couple meetings in my area, just need to arrange for a babysitter. One of the nurses I work with has been sober for 8 years. She has been helping me also and giving me insight. She tells me everyday that he has to get better on his own, I cant do it for him. I know that, i just need to convence my inner self that. I wish i new why i am drawn to partners like this.
What I found was that my partners were using my eagerness to please to control me. I didn't want to hurt them or make them upset, and that reinforced their habit of being hurt or upset -- because it got them what they wanted. I don't know if this was conscious on their part -- sometimes not, I'm sure. But if I stuck up for myself, my ex would be all sad and cold and acting hurt and saying things like, "Can't you just love me for myself?" I tried to say that asking for something (like, more time on a decision, or for him not to break promises) was not failing to love him. But he tried to make out that I was unloving if I didn't go along with the way he wanted things to be. Eventually I was practically doing back flips trying to keep him happy. And you can probably guess what happened -- I was miserable trying to suppress my needs, and still he was unhappy with me and criticizing my choices and being cold and withholding. What a miserable time. It's so draining that it leaves you with hardly any energy to start living a better way. But support and recovery are available. Hugs.
As usual, Mattie is telling the story of my last relationship with a frequently-relapsing recovering ABF -- I think she and I are twins separated at birth.
I'm so glad you will be attending AlAnon, missingit! Without recovery, you (like me) will be continually drawn to this type of partner. Even though I carefully avoided active As, I still ended up with recovering (not very successfully) As or nondrinkers with A temperaments. I think there was something in me that didn't think love was enough, that being "needed" by these men was more secure than love. And then, in time, I ended up resenting the caretaking and the demands.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Some days I feel selfish for wanting to have a normal relationship and for wanting to be happy. I have always been the type to be able to have a few drinks every now and then. I dont know what will happen if we are out somewhere and I have a glass of wine. He says he wont care but i will feel bad
So last night our phone conversation was a disaster. He says I am reading to much into AA and he is fine. He also thinks people are putting ideas in my head. We had a huge fight about my son and how i parent him. My son has ADHD, he has issues with males because he witnessed the verbal abuse from my ex husband. My BF now thinks I am babying my son and thinks i should be harder on him. Pray that i stay strong today and tell him how I really feel
