The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This wk. I said "no" to both my qualifiers asking for money, saying they needed it for food and gas for car, both sounding very serious and needy. In the past I would have felt badly for them and given in. I feel so good because they both excepted it and hasn't called continuing to ask. I thank my HP (God) for the courage and strengthto say NO and mean it.
Highlyfavored!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
I also was able to set some real boundaries with my mom the other day, who is one of my many qualifiers. We were talking on the phone and she started to try and gossip and I was able to see right away that she was trying to take the conversation to a negative place, so I put a stop to it right away by simply saying I did not feel comfortable or want to participate in gossip and that was that.
She must have heard that I really meant it because she stopped right away and I changed the topic and we were able to talk for a little while without ending up at each others throats.
I also thank my HP as well as this amazing program for giving me the strength and tools to stand my ground.
Also I'm grateful for this board for giving me a place to share in all the healing
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"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am for myself only, what am I? If not now, when?"
"Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life."
(((HF))) Good for you! This is a hard one, I know. My A recently lost his wallet which had his ATM card in it. This is the third time in less than two years. He asked me to loan him some money. Umm, no. I went to the market and bought groceries, juice, and milk. He's not going to go hungry. He doesn't go anywhere or do anything. He gets his booze by payng the taxi drivers to buy it and bring it to him. What does he need money for? (besides his alcohol) Yet knowing all this I still found it hard to say no. But I managed to do it. Remembered that šnoš is a complete sentence.
Sometimes I've had to kind of SLIDE into a "No", if I have not been ready to say it to that person. A long, " Hmmmmmmmmm....." on my part and the other party usually realizes there's no chance. After that, "No" comes easier!
I also give to people all the time but I limit how and when I do it.
What I have learned is that I have to look at what my expectations are. If I give, what do I expect. The whole issue is around my expectations.
I was heavily involved with the ex A because I expected him to take care of me. Of course he didn't do that and then I was enraged at his not living up to the expectation and kept trying to get him to be in line with that.
Right now I'm decluttering so I am certainly donating my things to others, charities, neighbors whoever but its all carefully considered giving rather than irrational no holds barred giving with huge expectations attached. My giving to an alcoholic always had an elastic band on it. I expected a great deal back and when I didn't get it nothing broke my denial except al anon.
