Hi leel, glad to see you here.

Ya know your examples have all been pretty strong in using. It's no wonder you tend to want to go that way and wonder if you will once baby is born.

You know you can choose not to go that way. We can work at and be happy too doing what we believe is right and how we want it to be.

For one thing your hormones will change and you will think different about your baby and child after she is born. That is just natural. Feelings towards a mate do too. Hormones again. Maybe you will decide and use those feelings to strike out to make a change in the direction you want to go.

When we proactively take the reigns and go a direction we choose, we feel so empowered and good. Even now you could start a notebook and make lists of what you want. Maybe think about how you could have your own place with baby, go to school, decide on a career you would love and raise your kiddo too.

Or maybe you can stay with A but make up boundaries with consequences for A, and you learn to live with him as is.

Things do not have to be the same unless you choose them to be.

I am excited for you, to think you could do about anything you want. I wish I had Al Anon a long time ago so I would have known I could do all this. Didn't know till later I could.

I feel a heaviness from your post, like you are already ready to give up. I hope you will keep coming and learn and do for you. AND your baby.

Coming here is just as good as face to face but different. If you are uncomfy at meetings take a pillow to sit on, make yourself comfortable, it is your recovery. I took a camping chair to my sunday meetings as it hurt too much to sit in regular chairs.

Maybe going to a meeting a week or as you need it, would make it easier too.

My dear bil's whole family were dysfunctional A's to the max. Including my ex. He pulled himself out and became a high up guy for the enviromental protection part of the state and hung out with the senator of our state! Bought a neat place, kept it sooo nice, had a god, bought a nice jeep, p up. Got into the Bible was a good ole boy.

I was so impressed. But guess what? His family basically ignored him. He did anything for them, yet once his jeep broke down and not one would help him! It takes strength to break away from dysfunctional family.

He called my friend and his for help. I told him he coulda called me too. Then when he was dying  in the hospital, they did not come up there. He was there a month. I went almost every day and slept in the waiting room. Just killed me but he was so brave. cirrosis got him.

But hon his life was soooo wonderful when he chose to make a change and he went for what he wanted. He also helped raise his meth sisters boy, who sadly is a meth person now, just saw he is in jail again....

oops sorry so long. Just want you to know it can be done! What is your passion? Find it and go for it and don't let anyone stop you!

hugs, debilyn

You know I have a lot of compassion now for my parents who were severely mentally ill.  Just the other day I was feeling sad over the way they lived and noting just how very hard it was and how much denial I had to have to be able to survive in that environment.  But the compassion for me had to come after I had looked at very hard where and how it left me as an adult, let alone as a child. As an adult child of that environment the legacy has been absolutely all consuming for most of my life.  Coming to al anon and being willing to trust others has been a huge step for me after that life experience.

I don't know that I would agree that people do the best they can all the time.....  I live in a community where there are sober alcoholics and those that use in the neighborhood.  I don't see many of the using alcoholic being inspired by those who are sober in fact I'd say they really don't like them at all.  They are wary of anyone who stops and stays stopped.  Some people might say jealous but they have an example right in front of them of someone doing something other than drinking and using and they go out of their way to deny it.

So for me being a codependent I have to have a lot of boundaries around looking at people doing the best they can and still using and how, what and where I give to people.  I have literally given the house off my back, my home, my money, my entire life to an alcoholic without thinking about it.  I thought that was love but actually it was an entire absence of any semblance of self love.

I'd also say that the obsession to drink/use is so compelling that when its present that nothing but a absolutely committed program like AA can shift it.  There are people who stop drinking at some points in their life without a program but some of them aren't too nice to be around either.  Maybe their obessions shifts to something else.  These days I don't need to know but I do know that I personally cannot stop anyone from drinking/using no matter what I do, give, and want.

Being involved with an alcoholic was for me all about my childhood issues, abandonment, shame, fear, secrets, loneliness (an all consuming loneliness), dependency issues. Of course I wanted someone "there" for me because I had no one as a child. What I didn't know was that first I had to be "there" for me.   Those issues were all tied up pretty nicely in the relationship.  And I would also say that there was a huge component of denial in there for me too.  Wrap that up with the fact that as a child growing up in the environment I did boundaries were about surviving rather than positive, life learning deals and I was a shoe-in to be comfortable around someone who is irrational, irresponsible and demanding.  I can't say I was happy but it felt incredibly familiar and I knew what to do in that milieu which was important for me.

What I can tell you is that more will be revealed for you if you are willing to give al anon a go.  Step by step al anon can guide you through all the mess in front of you.  Of course its pretty hard to trust that but if you read the posts on this board and follow the threads you can literally see people changing, growing stronger in front of your eyes and it isn't all hype.

Of course when I got to al anon my focus was entirely on the alcoholic what he drove me to, what he needed to do. When I took the focus entirely off him my life started to change.  I can't say its a rose garden because I have my share of hardship and I definitely have problems I believe are entirely too big for me to handle (my sponsor doesn't agree).  I can't say it involved entirely moving out from the now ex A either.  What I do know is that if I stick close to al anon whatever problems in my life are workable and in some ways enlightening and I can push myself through things that used to make me absolutely unhinged.  I can trust where there was no trust before.

Welcome.

maresie.

Hi Maresie. Thankyou. yes..I don't know if I will stay with him. Its very stressful.....especially as I was raised that way and saw people have every reason to live,and just choose alcohol and die young. Honestly...its a disgusting thing to me.I don't know if my bf will recover.or if I have chosen to have a child with someone who is destined to emotionally abandon his child and choose alcohol and cigarettes over her.....he may BE a good provider recently....especially as in my particular situation,I need that..because I have some limitations of my own. Isnt that the irony

I think ...this is what I was thinking tonight. The irony for me....is that I want to judge my bf,but at this point I can't. My life has been so screwed up myself..and I'm only recently out of some of the intense dangerous mess of it...thanks to him providing for me...

Thats why I need to take it day by day and get as much support as possible. Because I'm not strong enough or in a position to support my child alone without his help at this point.... I have many mixed feelings on what love and commitment are.....as no doubt...you with your background can relate to.

We get some strange messages from our dysfunctional backgrounds. I look back....and see that the glass is half full in some ways.....the things people were able to contribute to me. My grandparents(who never drank)...but still...had 9 children and that was just too darn many...

I think one of the biggest blessings I have been given as a result of this pregnancy...is the need to reach out and get help from outside sources...I feel like even in just the reaching out that I have done. I have grown stronger.....in some fundamental lasting ways too...and thats kind of new for me..... The awkwardness of my younger years fading away,knowing my child will be participating in the world soon enough and will need the worlds support. I wish I had had that same fearless motivation for myself in the past...but I was too wrapped up in myself,to get over the hurdles and fears in human interactions...stuck in analysis and neurosis.   Now....for my child...I can drop alot of that.... I haven't been to as many meetings as I should....haven't worked the program as I should,haven't been perfect....all of those things were reasons to hide away...and stay in isolation...but now....

I just realise that any support,and any way I am...is great.And that I AM growing all the time.and that my stress being alleviated is a miracle.

thankyou so much for everything you said,I love about alanon how other peoples shares bring up stuff that really connects and help you because they have similar backgrounds and experiences...its unbelievable...simple....but miraculous and amazing