The material presented
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For me I no longer think about what's fair because I am a people pleaser so I would think about what's fair for the other person.
Hm, Maresie, you made me realize that I was generally thinking about him when I said "What's fair?" Interesting... I'm totally a people-pleaser too. How come I don't ever get to be the high maintenance one??
Basically - why is it that I should have to be the mother/ conscience/ babysitter/ alcohol police? I'm so sick of this.
-- Edited by ladysoblue on Tuesday 24th of April 2012 02:34:25 PM
Alcoholism dosent recognise the word FAIR , its all about what the disease needs .. you cannot stop your husb from drinking , you can ask but your only setting yourself up for a dissapointment .. alcoholics need to drink period . Enjoy Vegas there is so much to see and do , shop for yourself enjoy he will do what hes gotta do . I assume you are not attending Al-Anon for yourself , please find meetings you need support .. Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 25th of April 2012 01:18:07 AM
Well, it's been awhile since I was last on this board. Things had been really really good with my AH for about 3 months. It has been quite awhile since my first (and only) Alanon meeting too... but I had to go back last night to one, and here I am on this board again.
So - back in January I went to his psychologist with him, and as I suspected, he hadn't revealed to her how serious the drinking was. Thankfully she became very quickly aware what was going on when I was there, and so she challenged the AH to just not drink, for a week. He thought he could do that - and better. So he didn't drink for 3 months, and things have been SOOO GOOD between us. Just amazing, like night and day compared to before!
Then, last Monday for some reason he thought that he could handle a "few beers" after work with his business partner - Came home very very buzzed and after an awkward, silent dinner together, he went promptly to bed for over 12 hours. We talked about it the next day and he sincerely apologized.
Then on Friday he thought he'd have "a beer" after work and came home buzzed. I'm SO scared and have already reverted back to being in an incredibly anxious state, complete with panic attacks and all.
It just so happened that I was scheduled to see my psychiatrist that Friday evening (who is very much aware of the problem), which was good, but he's really pushing me to go to Alanon, see if I can get my husband to go to AA, and set some severe boundaries for myself.
I realized in the middle of our session - Oh My God, We're going to Vegas in 8 days!!! So, what am I supposed to do now? The Dr offered a few suggestions of what I could do (e.g. tell AH that if he gets drunk in Vegas I'm leaving, or booking my own hotel room for the rest of the trip, or something...)
But I'm wondering - What's fair?
We had talked with AH's psychologist about how maybe he could just enjoy a glass of wine with me here and there when we're on holidays... Should I tell him "No alcohol at all", or "Only wine with dinner", or what...?
I'm so frustrated and don't know what to do!!! And I really need this vacation badly, and so does he...
His attending AA or decision to be sober, or not, is totally in his hands. In my experience, the "one glass of wine with dinner" game and other such rules and limits took the focus off the fact that my husband was an alcoholic and as such could not control his drinking. To pretend otherwise just cost us too much, put me in the role of being his mother/conscience/babysitter/alcohol police and helped us both avoid the reality of the matter. If he *could* just enjoy a beer here and there, he would not be an alcoholic. The rules we set in trying to find a normal balance within an abnormal addiction keep the alcoholic in the shame loop, and us in the hyper-vigilant disappointment loop.
I went to Vegas with my AH twice. The first time, Christmas night, he left me stranded on the strip without my wallet, keys, or cell phone. The second time, he snuck out of the room while I was sleeping to gamble and drink until 8am. Ugh. Vegas gave my AH total validation to act like a drunk fool, and he took full advantage. No one goes to Vegas to stay sober. Just a word of caution to be prepared...but I could be projecting my own experience onto you. I hope you have the restful vacation you deserve, no matter what your AH decides to do.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Oh Dolly, that's just terrible! I'm sorry you were treated so badly on your trips.
I keep hoping the AH will pleasantly surprise me - it is possible, sometimes he does that - but I don't know how to impose limits/ boundaries on this vacation, just in case he decides to get out of hand.
After all, he got very upset the other day when he suggested I was trying to label him an Alcoholic... He only drinks "to combat his stress" you see... Ugh, yeah whatever.
Hmm, I just want to say something here about Vegas: is there any chance you can go somewhere else? Honestly, I've been there, done that and Vegas is not a place for someone with any kind of addiction problem. I live within driving distance of Vegas and I cringe every time I need to go anywhere near it, LOL.
As for the drinking, my AH tried to set limits on himself, too. It never worked. If you can find a meeting, you will hear all kinds of stories and hopefully start finding some peace and joy whether he continues to drink or not.
Unfortunately, no... It's booked through expedia and so totally difficult to change vacations at all. But I guess I should consider a bit more carefully the next time we want to go somewhere together. In retrospect, Vegas was a terrible decision. Why didn't I understand that before?
Either he's going to drink or he's not going to drink.
What are you going to do?
Abbyal's thoughts echo mine. All I can do is make the best of my own situation. I realize my whole trip would be ruined if I were to spend the entire time fretting over what someone else is going to do. I can discuss this with my sponsor. Hit a few Al-Anon meetings for some ESH and then ask myself a few questions... what's my backup plan? What can I do to make sure I'm enjoying myself instead of spinning out on what someone else may or may not be doing?
Welcome back! You wrote ¨Basically - why is it that I should have to be the mother/ conscience/ babysitter/ alcohol police? I'm so sick of this.¨ This may come as a surprise (I know it was a huge one for me) but you DON'T have to be those things! Your husband is an adult, he can take care of himself. Whether he does or not, is another matter. But that's up to him. I hope you can take the focus off of him and put it on you. Alanon can help give you the tools to do that. I hope you will continue to go to meetings and come back here to read and post. Wishing you the best on your trip.
My guess is that he won't want to drink to please me, but he will want to drink because it's "his holiday" and he should be able to enjoy a few. After all, he won't be drinking to combat the stress, right? (This is what he would be thinking.)
You're right, Aloha, I really don't want to be spinning off of his behaviour and attitude. Unfortunately, I don't have a sponsor yet and don't know if I can get to any other meetings before we go. I feel like I'm facing a bit of a 'possible emergency' (?) here.
Can anyone tell me what your backup plan would be in this king of situation? Please, I need help with some ideas before we go on this trip...
Lady, this is just my opinion, I am not trying to tell you what to do.
If I had to do my Vegas trips with my AH over again- I would have my own money, keys, cell phone, room key, etc. with me at all times. I would make my own plans for what I wanted to see and do...maybe a show, some art museums, Red Rocks, gun range, etc. If my AH wanted to join me, great. If not, then that's great too!
You will have to work out for yourself what you want YOUR vacation to be like. If your AH drinks, you can decide to- not be around him, stay in another room, cut the trip short and go home, call a friend, go to a local Al Anon meeting (I'm sure there are loads in Vegas!), go shopping or otherwise do your own thing, or sit beside him with your club soda and fume that he is drunk again and making excuses and eyeballing the go-go dancers at the Poker tables. I would not recommend that last one.
My AH sounds a lot like yours with the stress reasoning and denial. My boundary, just for an example, was- if you are drinking, I will not be around you. And I STUCK to that. I don't think he cared. But I had a lot more peace...then I realised I was basically alone all the time and that was not the kind of marriage I wanted. But that's another story.
You can enjoy your time in Vegas. Just don't expect your AH to have the same idea of "enjoy" and you'll be fine. The Bellagio buffet is my happy place, please go there for me and take lots of pictures!!!
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Abby is a wise owl.... if you're able, try not to convince yourself that Vegas will be a disaster before you even get there!!! There are a million and one awesome things to see and do in Vegas, and YOUR enjoyment of the trip doesn't have to hinge on whether or not he drinks.
My sponsor used to remind me of the umbrella analogy, when it comes to alcoholism.... "Tom, think of it like the weather.... of course, we cannot control the weather, but we CAN choose to wear appropriate clothing, or use an umbrella, or sunscreen, etc."
He is either gonna drink or he won't, what are YOU gonna do?
Choose recovery for you, and have some "Plan B's" lined up for Vegas - just in case - so that you can have a wonderful time, regardless of what he chooses to do with himself.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Surprise!! Vegas has L O T S of Al-Anon meetings...go and make lots of friends from across the border and then get back to where he is at or take in a show or some entertainment thats available. I'm like those that won't got to Vegas any longer...Temptation City Ugh. So's Reno, Tahoe and the others. I go up there and I go to a meeting for sure.
He's grown up and You're grown up be responsible for your own happiness.
Hope you have a great time. Let us know. ((((hugs))))
I love plan B , have a massage sit at the pool , see a show go alone if you have to. In other words take care of your needs for a change . And yeah there are a ton of meetings in Vegas I was there for thier convention in Nov.
Good morning, all, These are really great suggestions - thanks so much for sharing your ideas and experiences. It is wonderful that I can draw from your collective experience... I am feeling a little bit less stupid and sheepish because I have the collective wisdom of you lovely people behind me - and that's a lot.
I will draft up a little list of Plan B things I want to do & places I could go. That's a great suggestion to hook up with an alanon meeting in Vegas - it wouldn't have occurred to me! And you're right Tom, I shouldn't convince myself that this trip will be a disaster before I even go. I'm used to worrying too much...
I'll let you know how the trip goes - good tip on the Bellagio buffet! Maybe I'll be logging in from Vegas, or maybe I'll be too busy having some fun! Thanks a ton everyone.
I can relate so much to what you are saying. My AH just relapsed after almost three months of sobriety, but we did go to Las Vegas during his 2.5 months of sobriety (I don't know why we chose that destination, either!), and he stayed sober throughout the trip. We had a good time watching drunk people, but never took part. I agree that you shouldn't expect him to fail before you go, but have a plan just in case. I think the people on this board are so wise with their suggestions.
I agree that you shouldn't expect him to fail before you go, but have a plan just in case. I think the people on this board are so wise with their suggestions.
Ugh - I tried to talk to him the other day about how I hope that he won't drink on the trip, or if he does, to not let it get out of hand.
Wrong move!! He got really upset at this because he felt I was saying he was going to fail, and that I was throwing his recent slip-up in his face. UGH - it's like I can never say the right thing to him in regard to alcohol! He is SO sensitive about it.
Anyways, yes, I'm going to write up a plan B list just for myself. Hummingbirdkerry, you're right - the people on this board are very, very wise! I'm grateful to everyone who shares their experience and ideas. It helps SO much.
