Dealing with anger - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Dealing with anger

Tigger · Senior Member

What do I do with all the anger? Change expectations...done. Detach with love...done. Be philosophical...done. See the opportunity for growth...yup. But all this anger is burning me up (literally hot and sweaty and can't sleep) and I need practical suggestions please! I feel like I'm lying...being loving, and tolerant but inside I know I'm not being very real with the people that have ignited this fire in me.

LeenieBeanie · Senior Member

Tigger

I know exactly what you are going thru and I agree with Breaking Free - I have given it up to working out or swimming laps till I can't think anymore. I found that the anger, although still there, is not as ready to engulf me as it did in the old days (pre- Al Anon)

Sending support

Tigger · Senior Member

Part of the issue is that I have a condition that makes vigourous exercising like that impossible.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I, honestly, have no good advice for you as I am struggling with the same thing. I have found that simple things at least give me a break from the anger. Taking a short walk, cleaning the bathtub(yes scrubbing something makes me feel better), getting a pedicure(I'm sure a massage would be great, too, but they're a bit out of my price range), treating myself to an iced coffee from Starbucks, etc. All those things just relieve a little bit of stress a little bit at a time and it's in those moments that I start to feel what peace feels like. So, whenever I start feeling angry I remember those peaceful feelings and try to replace the anger with those happy thoughts. Does it always work? Nope, but at least it's effort and it's progress. Sending you lots of support and hugs today!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

You know I think its healthy to have that anger. It means you are no longer a doormat and you're vigilant. When I was with the now ex A I would burn up with anger and he would wait till I was exhausted and then spring another one on me.

So I think its healthy to have some anger to watch your boundaries with. Without anger I'm a complete push over I'd give away my last cent.

I also think its perfectly appropriate to be angry about living with an alcoholic's problems. After all there is a reason for it. Working it through for me is about aligning my goals with actions. I can put the anger to good use in actions.

I've spent my life around people who want me to people please and be a doormat. I'm no longer willing to do that so fresh territory means fresh ideas.

Maresie.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Anger is a good thing .. feelings aren't facts and the best part of anger is just as stated above I can use it to do something productive instead of using it to do something destructive. Sometimes I just need to put it all down, pen to paper and then I burn the paper and visualize that anger being released. I don't know if that would help. You indicated that there are physical health reasons you can't work it all off. Anger still needs to be processed or it turns into depression or an outburst.

Hugs P :)

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

Why is the Anger So Deep?

Because . . .

You love the alcoholic with all your heart.

You have given so much of yourself to him/her.

You have worked at the relationship.

You trusted him/her.

You never think that you're going to get kicked in the teeth, but stuff happens, and you do. Your feelings are going to be overpowering sometimes, but I think people are much worse off if they don't let those feelings rage through their bodies. You have to rage, pounding your fists. You have to scream, whine, moan, and complain to your nearest and dearest friends; you have to do whatever you can to let it pass through your system. That's just my opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Peachy219 · Veteran Member

I agree with Green Eyes on this one... Sometimes we have to just allow ourselves to feel whatever it is we are feeling and accept that not all of our feelings are going to be comfortable all the time.

I get it you know, I get the anger, the rage. For me I try and really look at what's bringing it out in me. Earlier today I was thinking about my ex ABF and I started to get so mad thinking about how unfairly he treated me. Thinking about how much I put up with, how many lies I swallowed, how many promises I put my trust in, only to have him throw everything away over and over again with complete disregard for me and my feelings.

One of the last conversations I had with him, I told him that I had decided that since he had clearly and repeatedly showed my I was not a priority to him and that I was not worth making any real effort for to him, then he would not be worth my suffering or anger anymore.

This is obviously much easier to say than do. But I tell myself, progress not perfection.

I also have to be honest with myself and realize that I was, in many ways, a willing participant in all the drama and betrayal. I have to remind myself that I made a lot of choices that led to my suffering and I can not be mad at anyone else for my decisions.

That said, forgiveness is crucial. I have to forgive myself for not having loved myself or my higher power enought to have demanded better. I let myself settle for the status qou. I also have to forgive my ex because I know I must separate who he really is, who his HP always meant for him to be, from the distorted version he became because of his addictions. I also have to keep forgiving myself for the twisted version of me that I became when I was using also.

Sometimes we just have to sit with our feelings and accept them, but it is also important to do positive and proactive things to rise above the negetivity, pain, anger and sadness.

For me, talking to my higher power helps, praying helps, writing down my thoughts and feelings also helps.

I also have written many angry letters and burned them as a ritualistic and cleansing act. That also helps me.

Going to meetings, reading helpful literature and taking care of myself are all very important parts of the process.

Much of my anger is caused by events that are in the past and I try and remind myself that I must do my best to live in the moment, when I dwell on past grievances, I cheat myself out of being present.

I know that none of this is easy and some days are so much harder than others, but we must be patient and faithful and present.

It does get better.

((((xoxo))))

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Run, lift weights, scream at your HP (mine lets me...), punch a punching bag, cry ..... all of the above?

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Anger is a tough one. I am dealing with mine by doing art, listening to angry music, being in nature, talking to a friend who will just listen and not judge or try to give advice...if you can't work out hard, walking is super, long long walks listening to some gangster rap :)

For me, learning about how addiction affects the mind (the sticky at the top of this forum about the disease of alcoholism is awesome) helped my anger ease considerably and transformed it into compassion for my AH.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I have conversations with HIM in my car; I rant and rave, I tell him off, I say all the mean ugly things that pop into my head but never say out loud to his face. I'm sure I gesture, point my finger at his imaginary chest; I'm positive I cuss a mean streak; I hit him below the belt as he is so fond of doing to me (though I never can do it for real because its just not my nature). I know that i will never have that sort of exchange with him because it would never make a difference but it gets it off my chest and lets the anger out.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

The way it worked for me, once I did the work with a step 4, and saw that I played a part in my own suffering, I kinda turned the anger onto myself. Then I had to work on forgiving myself. It kind of trickled down to him, and I felt some compassion.... for both of us. We did our best, crazy as it was.

After working many, many inventories with a sponsor, today I know that when the emotion of anger comes up, it's likely because I'm actually angry at myself.... often because I'm not taking very good care of ME. In my case, as an ACOA, sometimes I just don't believe I'm worthy of much more than scraps, so I harm myself with my scrappy choices....

The other possibility is, as Jerry said, I am not in a place of acceptance, I'm wanting to put myself in that god position again and control things....

Whenever I argue with reality, I have noticed this.... I suffer. I get angry. My emotions are indicative of how well I am working a 12-step program. I can stay in that place as long as I want, telling myself a story of "How things should not be like THIS." I can tell myself that story, it's an option. But I have noticed, that story does not produce any peace. All I prayed for before I crawled into al-anon, was for some peace.

The universe is always unfolding as it should. It's okay to discover that something is unacceptable to me, and to do something different, to move in another direction. But I will continue to make the same mistakes over and over, until I know myself and why I choose what I choose. That's where a 12-step program helps me.

When I am truly trusting that Higher power is totally going to take care of me, I am calm. For me, that's what TRUST looks like, I'm not angry, I'm calm.

Sitting with the fellowship with regular meetings strengthens that trust, absolutely, I am so grateful for al-anon. Keep working it, one day at a time (((big hugs)))

-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 25th of April 2012 05:05:53 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Anger at the A or the disease or what?

I hate cancer, but cancer did not care. I hate aism but it does not care. Was not angry at the A anymore becuz I realized he is very, very sick, he does not use becuz he wants to.

Plus for me anger just is not part of my nature. Over the years I have learned to be serene and look at it yet choose not to react. I think first, what good would it do.

Is your anger from the fact you cannot change anything? or you cannot be in control?

I mean I coulda got angry when he had his ext cord all tangled up and I accidently got caught in it and he got mad at ME. dipstick. Or when he made a doggy door then cut the flap off. he was drunk. Just why bother?

ok ok for me too I reason it out with my HP. talk about it. Ask him to please take it from me. I used to have such horrible gut cramps from anger.NO more.

Probably no help! I know its natural to have anger, I think its more what you do with it that matters. Like we learn not to bother yelling back or arguing as it is wasted energry. Like worry is wasted energy too.

Hmmm good question. love,debilyn

tiger2 · Newbie

hi
i find having a good cry helps to clear all that energy, and another thing that i do when im angry is i get 2 large pieces of plasticine and just keep sqeezing it, hope this helps :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

It wasn't good or healthy for Jerry F to feel anger. He would be a danger and threat to himself and others around him. His anger would overflow into rage and that is a sign of mental and emotional loss of control plus he hated the feelings of anger. It felt and sounded and smelled sick. It controlled him where he wanted self control. He had no idea where it would take he and for how long. He became a slave to it until - My former sponsor told me that if I really didn't like feeling a thing and it made me sick than feeling the opposite of that feeling would give me the opposite condition. Rocket Science!! I needed that more than anything I could imagine and so I asked, "What is the opposite of Anger"? Don T replied Acceptance. You have no control over the fact of what is or has happened...just accept the fact of it and when you get the peace of mind and serenity back work on other assets of your recovery.

The opposite of anger (for me) is acceptance. I don't have to accept the morality of the situation only the situation and my powerlessness over it.

(((((hugs))))) smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Alot of the anger dissapeared for me when i took a long look at my part in every relationship , there were things I could have done differently but chose not to. I ignored alot of unexceptable behavior for way too long being afraid to say enough* that was my problem* not my husb , he was only doing what worked for him and I allowed it . Looking at what I could have done differently was painful but opened the door for me to change the way I percieve things and how I now solve my problems .. talk things over with a sponsor look at your part and blame will slowly dissapear . Louise

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Tigger!

my counselor and I talk a lot about my anger...because I tend to "stuff" it and hide it away -- because in this society an angry woman is just not ladylike...

anger in and of itself is just an emotion...it's not a bad thing...and he told me that when you feel it...it is an indication that someone has crossed a boundary. So when I get that signal (anger) I drop back and look at the boundary crossing and see if and how I want to address it.

just cause you're angry doesn't mean you have to go all LOCO on people...and I think that is actually less likely if one addresses anger in appropriate ways....and in living with As...lord knows our anger is justified.

If you have ALOT of anger...just means there have been many of your boundaries violated...so it's okay to feel that...and decide what you want to do about it...

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