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I'm very glad to find this forum. I've already found an al-anon meeting in my area and made plans to attend. What I really need is for my husband to come with me.
My 30 year old stepson has been an alcoholic since about age 13. His mom never wanted anything bad to happen to her baby, so she always shielded him from consequences. My husband and I would make rules, AS (alcoholic stepson) would go home and complain to his mom and she'd call up screaming. Long story I'm sure you all can imagine short, after not completing even 1 year of college on three tries and never holding a job for more than 6 months, he went into the army, where he was doing well until a DUI kept him from deploying with his unit and forced him to switch specialties to a job he hated. He's a mean and despondent drunk, and one night threatened to kill himself. That got him into the hospital on base, where he was awarded six prescriptions. Once he got out of the hospital, he cut his arm to get back in. Released again, he cut his arms again, badly. That time the army sent him home.
He's living in my basement because he refuses to stay at his mom's. He's currently got 10 prescriptions for various antidepressants, antipsychotics, sleeping pills, he just got two more so I don't even know all of them. I don't like him being around my younger kids (8, 10, 15). He's not drinking liquor (well, I've only caught him at it twice), but he is chewing handfuls of pills he keeps in his pockets and occasionally opening capsules and snorting them. We've talked to him about getting a job, but he's only interested in applying for ones that he's got absolutely no experience with/no chance of getting. He thinks he's too good for entry level. He's taken himself back to the hospital three times in the 6 weeks he's been home. He just got back from being admitted after slicing his upper arms again following a conversation about him finding his own place to live. (He drove to the VA hospital, cut up his arms in the parking lot and walked into the ER dripping blood, which is the same thing he did before. Messy and deranged, but not physically serious.)
He's always been a manipulative liar, and now it seems he's hit on the perfect tactic to keep anyone from saying anything he doesn't like - he just threatens to kill himself and everyone backs off. (None of his injuries have been anything but superficial, although a couple of the incisions were pretty long they're never deep.) He's seeing a counselor who thinks he's wonderful and charming. He says vile things about her, and about me and my husband when he thinks we can't hear him. He's quite smug about the way he's using us. I HATE that my kids are seeing this, but he's got no job and keeps threatening to hurt himself if we say anything he doesn't like. I don't see a way out of this situation, particularly since my husband still has divorced dad guilt 20 years later and is flattered the kid needs him (even though the kid is 30).
I'm definitely going to this week's al anon meeing, and if anyone here has insight or reading suggestions on how to deal with this sort of power struggle I'd love to hear. It's a big relief just to say it all out loud instead of just seething angry about it.
-- Edited by Greensleeves on Tuesday 24th of April 2012 11:56:48 AM
Aloha Greensleeves and welcome to the board. Been there some and done that more than some and I was in program when my 19 year old alcoholic/addict...son of an addict (exwife) came to live with me. I was living on my own after divorcing a second alcoholic/addict wife...Long story short I was practicing what I was learning and set up boundaries and expectations with him which I would mess up myself. Working the program for me means getting progressively better at change and not perfect. I ended up divorcing my son also. The disease was threatening my peace of mind and serenity badly. I divorced him not abandoned him. I was on hand under my conditions to support him and I turned him over to the God of my understanding not the God of his understanding because he wasn't working that relationship as hard as he was with the drinkers and users in his life. It worked. When I resigned as his Higher Power and God stepped in the whole world changed. Exercising and growing the courage to change the things I can in myself was gut wrenching. I learn that the only person I could or should change was myself and you will learn that where I learned it...inside the face to face meeting rooms of Al-Anon. Don't worry about your husband...Turn him over also. (((((hugs)))))
I'm pretty new to this message board, although many years ago I was fairly active in Al-Anon. Well...I'm back. Anyway, I wanted to respond to your post because this May it will be three years since my stepson hung himself. He was 23. He started exhibiting symptoms of schizophrenia about six months before he died. Before that, he was an amazing young man that everyone loved and he was successful at pretty much everything he put his hand to.
Needless to say, our family was devastated and in many ways remains broken. My AH turned to drinking and hasn't stopped since. I just basically quit functioning at all for a long time. Our other kids are in various stages of grief as well.
BUT, there is one thing I have figured out that has helped me. We are not responsible for the choice he made. Actually, I don't even think HE was responsible. Mental illness is an illness like any other, and schizophrenia killed my son, not suicide.
When our son first got sick we encouraged him to move home, but it didn't last long. His behavior scared all of us and my husband and I were worried he would hurt one of the other kids or burn the house down. We told him he couldn't live with us anymore and encouraged him to live at a residential treatment center where he could get stabilized on his medications and work towards independence.
He chose to move in with some friends instead, and he wasn't getting the medications he needed (long story), and he ended up hanging himself.
I felt guilty for a long time about our choice, but know in my heart that we did everything we could to help him while still protecting our younger children. I now accept that schizophrenia is one more thing I am / was powerless against, and the outcome was not what I wanted, but it also wasn't my fault.
I hope you find the answers and support you need and that your family and stepson recover from this. It is so hard to deal with a family member who is ill and harming themselves or threatening suicide.
Just remember, that as long as you are acting from a place of love there are no right or wrong answers and you cannot cause or stop someone from suicide.
Do you know if there are any half way houses or residential treatment facilities that you stepson would qualify for? May it would be an option?
So sorry to hear that you and your family are going thru this. You have found the right place here on this board. Our Alcoholic Daughter (31) has been putting us through a similar ringer for years until I found Al Anon two years ago. Please, please get to a F2F Al Anon meeting as soon as you can. You will learn how to detach with love and the courage to change yourself. As Jerry said, changing yourself will be the hardest thing you will ever do, but in the end, it will change your life. The lives of the others around you will reflect your change, regardless if he is still drinking/using or not. Besides all the Al Anon literature, I strongly suggest reading "Don't let your kids kill you" by Charles Rubin. He specifically speaks to the power of the threat of suicide. I hand out copies of that book to newcomers in my meeting that have an adult alcoholic/user child.
Sending you much support................................
I'm pretty new to this message board, although many years ago I was fairly active in Al-Anon. Well...I'm back. Anyway, I wanted to respond to your post because this May it will be three years since my stepson hung himself.
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Do you know if there are any half way houses or residential treatment facilities that you stepson would qualify for? May it would be an option?
Take care and best wishes.
Hello Trying-
I'm very sorry about your stepson, and I appreciate the warning you're giving me.
My stepson just started an outpatient substance abuse program through the VA, but I'm not altogether sure he's actually attending. I'm not going to follow him in the morning to see where he goes. I made him angry today, he wanted to take my 8 year old shopping and I refused. We'll see if he follows pattern and goes back to the VA tonight demanding to be admitted. If he keeps threatening self-harm every time he's annoyed or crossed a residential program seems like a logical choice.
I'm trying to do what Jerry says, set the rules and turn the rest over. LeenieBeanie, thanks for the Rubin book suggestion, ordering it right now!
