The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, AH just told me that he's losing his license for the month of May. He asked me to give him a ride to the airport next week. He told me he could take the shuttle but, of course, threw out the fact that it would cost $120 for both directions. We don't live near public transportation of any kind so can't force him to take the bus. He asked me if I would be willing to do this and I couldn't give a yes or no answer. I told him to let me think about it but he walked away and said, "That's Ok, I'll just take the shuttle." You know what bugs me the most is that I HATE throwing money down the toilet like that. I could just drive him, fit it into my schedule, and do it. Yet, what also bothers me is that he says, "I don't want to be driving illegally." Hmm, well what about the driving around in CA you are planning on doing when you get there for work? Wouldn't that be considered driving illegally? What's the difference? So, I find myself getting angry, resentful, and frustrated and I haven't even agreed to anything yet! UGH!
When he speaks, visualize the word, "Insane" on his forehead. What comes out of an insane person's mouth is, well, usually not reality. If I do what's best for me (my Program, my serenity, my reality), it (by the grace of HP) turns out to be the best for everyone. I don't understand it . . . I just hand it over.
You know one of the biggest lessons I had in my own situation was letting go of the driving. Knowing what I know now I would allow my spouse to figure out his own way from the beginning. Now if I wanted to drive him then that's different, however I have to look at my own motives and am I going to feel resentful if I do it.
Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I read that and immediately a picture of my ex ABF popped into my head with a giant neon INSANE sign flashing on his forehead!!
Of course then I thought of myself and admit that many times I too have deserved an insane sign plastered on my forehead too...
ilovedogs, I'm sorry your going through this, it sucks. Take care of you, don't board the crazytrain with him. He can suck it up and pay for the shuttle. I see no reason why this should become your problem.
ps. I love dogs too
__________________
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am for myself only, what am I? If not now, when?"
"Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life."
This is where boundaries come into play, for you to take care of YOU. What will bring you more peace? What would bring on more stress? Set your boundaries to protect your serenity. More and more, I found I had to steer clear of scenarios where I'd just end up seething with resentment the whole time, run in the opposite direction. Sometimes, I just volunteered to suffer more but then complain that I was a victim.
A boundary is also staying on your side of the street.... allowing him to make his decisions on HIS side of the street... allowing him whatever consequences, perhaps he hasn't suffered enough.....some people have to learn the hard way.
I always have to remember...... "I" am the one who believes in change. I am the one who has to change to protect my own serenity. Relying on an alcoholic to deliver that to me was never a good decision. (((hugs))) sweetie
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 24th of April 2012 06:43:20 AM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
ILD...Good for you. That (for me) is how my program works...take the concern in front of HP and other program members and then make my decision and then...Acceptance. I've learned the difference between helping and enabling and acceptance of the consequences of my choices and if what I choose doesn't work...Change the things I can. We are not about perfection...only progress. I and the fellowship often wanted to watch things come out my way thru the choices of others even while I was aware that "I am powerless" and am only able to do the best I can with what I have. You have a heart; not a defect. You express love and work it in spite of it at times not being returned to you.
It's not about him...it's about you being serene with you and who you are and the program you need to work for you. Everyone of us can wear that "Insane" reverse bumper sticker on our foreheads and it would fit nicely...LOL. One of my favorite slogans is "When in doubt don't" and you did that till the doubt was past. Good for you.
Just remember that when he's out there in orbit beeping, "Its all about me Me ME"... move off to one side and let him have the spotlight. It looks better that way and you ain't his momma.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 24th of April 2012 12:12:50 PM
Well, I decided to give him the ride anyway. I guess I felt saving the money would save my sanity more at this point. Of course, when I talked to him last night about it and told him, he told me that may not go anyway. I told him my schedule and what appointments I had and asked him to get flights that would work with the schedule, if he does decide to go at some point.
He, again, went off last night about how he just wants to get his punishment over with and how stupid the court system is, etc. He locked himself in his office last night with his NA beer, probably thinking that maybe the NA beer would substitute the real thing. This was all after he got into it with our HOA board at a meeting last night and he felt they weren't playing fair. And, I again feel like he's on the same roller coaster that led him to start drinking again in the first place. Entitlement mentality, poor poor me, the world is against me and I can prove it, etc. So much for learning any lessons yet.
And, as for the driving in CA, he knows he can rent the car on Monday because his suspension doesn't kick in until Tuesday and it was a self imposed suspension. We haven't even gotten the paperwork from the DMV yet since AH picked the month he wanted to be on suspension.
Jerry, I had to laugh about him being in orbit and beeping. I recently had a long talk with one of our seasoned Al Anon members (whom I'm hoping will agree to be my sponsor) and she said that right now my AH is saying, "Don't look at me. Don't look at me" We were discussing how he's always looking for faults in everyone else, always looking to find the problems that other people cause him, because in effect it allows him to take the focus away from himself so he doesn't have to think about his iniquities or his failures. I have been saying those words in my head over and over to remind myself that he isn't ready to be responsible to himself. He's ready to take his punishment from the legal system and I think he wants me to punish him, too, and I think he's having a hard time with the fact that I'm really not doing that.
Oh yes .. the art of deflection .. it's an interesting thing because it's something we can all be guilty of at one point or another. It's like arguing over coffee rings on the counter when the real issue is something totally different.
Hugs and glad you came to your own decision in your own time, P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You're right on in the awareness area. When I could envision my alcoholic/addict as a 12 year old it made more sense. Guilt and shame also play a part in it.
