The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Where do I start Cat? I am you. My AHSober left our 30 year marriage in 2005. That was when our youngest son graduated from high school and went to college. So I had an empty nest, menopause, my other son in the war overseas, and no life partner all at once. How do you make sense of all that at once? We went to counseling several times because I drug him there. He was sincere at the time and then once we got home he was back into his old habits. He hasn't drank in over 25 years but he has other addictions like computer games, TV, and now it seems buying women drinks in bars. He, too, needed his space. He was tired of trying. He says he likes being an addict. He has threatened me with divorce for over seven years but never filed.
Why don't I divorce him? It is not in my vocabulary and it is not me who wants to end the relationship. Yes, I do love my H though it is getting harder and harder to tolerate him and his behavior. There is no analyzing this. It is the disease of alcoholism. What has helped me are Alanon face to face meetings, reading all the literature over and over again, talking to my sponsor who has gone through some of things I have, going to AA meetings. The Getting Them Sober books have been really helpful to me. They basically call the A's bluffs. When they don't get into recovery, it is a relationship of one. This is painful and baffling.
I have a plan. I try to follow it. I am slowly creating a life of my own. I think that my three sons love their dad but see him for what he is. Your AH has a higher power who can take care of him. We have a HP to guide and love us. All the best.
Nancy
-- Edited by nmike on Monday 23rd of April 2012 10:27:37 PM
My husband of 31 years is a High Functioning Alcoholic. 11 years ago, his drinking was starting to get REALLY out of control. Before that, I always said my husband was a Jekyll / Hyde. Never fully accepting that even one glass of wine could alter his personality. Over 2.5 years ago it was so bad, I had to kick him out. He was lying and cheating on me. Only after 3 months of living separately he wanted to work on us as a couple BUT never admitting that drinking was THE ISSUE that created all the problems in our marriage. So for the past 2.5 years, I did all the work on myself to become a better person. I realize I can't just blame him or an event in my life. This was my life lesson to learn from. All this time I have been on an emotional roller coaster of I love you, I don't want you but I still love and you are the love of my life.
Very recently I discovered he was still in contact with his lover, his drinking buddy. For one week, I had no contact with my husband. I was shocked yet elated when he came to me a broken man, crying for help. Admitting he had a drinking problem. He admitted the alcohol made he make poor choices and how those choices hurt me. How it made him say words that hurt me. He didn't want to hurt me anymore because I was the love of his life. That was Feb. 26, 2012. For 4 days he moved back in with me and it was heaven. You know, it didn't last. He admitted he loves his apartment to drink. " I want my privacy, my private life. To come and go as I please without answering to you or anyone." He is 59 years old and I am 58.
After that I started Al Anon and kept my distance from him. BUT on April 4th, my dad was very sick and I thought I was going to lose him. My husband spent all his time with me at the hospital. He was the best supporter ever. During this time, he was hugging me, making me dinner.
Last week, my Higher Power made me do something I hadn't done in over 2.5 years. My gut told me to check on my husband. You see, he lives only a few blocks from me. He wasn't coming home from work anymore. He slept away. This was exactly like the time I pushed him. He still denies things about his former lover BUT I did find her by accident in his new iphone. When he got it back on Feb. 19th, he was letting me play with it. Well, he was holding it and I was wondering why he was acting strangely.
Easter Sunday, as we were driving down to visit his mom, his regular cell phone rang. He picked it up and his demeanor, word choice made me realize it was a female. Immediately after he hung up he said to me, " I am not dating anyone or in a relationship." I asked if it was his former lover and he said no. That it was another female friend. I didn't believe him. Why ? Because if Dottie had really called just to say Happy Easter, wouldn't he have said it back to her ? He did say, " I don't know why Dottie called me to say that, she has never done that before."
Honestly, that morning, I thought I smelled alcohol on him. Al Anon told me never to confront him.
What I did say was this, " I don't believe you or trust you but I am not going to let it ruin my day."
We did have a nice day and week.
April 19th I found out he has been sleeping away. I called him and left him a voice message stating I will never trust him. Good Bye.
Yesterday, April 22, he sent me one of his famous emails stating he is sorry and how he loves me but he really wants his own life. Funny, he has my photos all over his apartment, he even saved my Valentine Card and keeps it on his entertainment center next to my photo.
I shared this email with my counselor and she found it to be very distressing.
She counseled us last year 8 times. I ended it because he did nothing, none of the exercises to repair our marriage.
What is the matter with this man ??? Is it more than alcohol that makes him flip flop about us.
Years ago I thought it was a mid life crisis. Can it be a variety of things to explain his behavior about me, our marriage.
I guess he loves his drinking buddy, his lover more than me.
His email yesterday ended with " don't assume anything. "
Seriously, why would I believe him ???
I did attend AA once, hoping to get a better understanding of my husband but I couldn't relate to the man who was speaking. My husband never went to jail, always goes to work, never had a DUI or DWI.
If you could offer some insight, it would be greatly appreciated.
I love this man but I need a life. Maybe there is a better person out there for me but I haven't let it happen.
Aloha Cat...I couldn't begin to help you understand your husband. I could from my own experience help and support you to understand yourself though. I believe all of us here could help you do that.
I've never understood the terminology of the high functioning alcoholic especially from the spouse who describes their alcoholic not participating in the marriage or family, not coming home, having a lover, drinking and admitting there is a problem and not doing anything about it, manipulating, controling and denial and all the other stuff that comes with this disease which is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body and which is progressive and very often fatal and negatively affects all of those people who come into contact with it.
I also enabled it to be the condition of my life and my marriage to the alcoholic/addict wife. My enabling is what I had to look at and change. Al-Anon helps me do that and my HP guides me toward doing it well.
Please keep coming back cause this program works when you work it.
I'm with Jerry...the term highly functioning alcoholic is a misnomer, in my opinion. I get the implication, that an "HFA" hold down a job, doesn't have any legal or financial issues....yet. But, having been married to one, I can tell you that there is nothing functional about it. The mind is still that of an addict. They still lie, manipulate, and don't seem to understand the connection between cause and effect. But, luck runs out, as alcoholism is a progressive disease. In time, I sort of *wished* my AH would get popped for a DUI or go to work drunk or something...I don't mean that in a hateful way. And, you know what, without recovery, even a highly functioning alcoholic will eventually have to pay the piper, by death, jail, or losing people in their lives.
Sounds like your H is clear on what he wants- to be living the single life but still be able to count on you to be in it. No matter. What do YOU want? Go for that, and maybe you will find the answers to the questions about your H are no longer relevant.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I'm so sorry you are going through this and dealing with confusing issues that it presents. I could write your post almost to the letter.
You are doing a great job of keeping the focus on you and what you want. Going to AA along with Alanon has helped me in terms of understanding more about the actual disease and listening to an addicts story helps me realize how truly powerless we all are over alcoholism, drug addiction or whatever.
Something I have learned over and over again is that if nothing changes, .. nothing changes. He will continue to get what he's got and so will you.
I'm coming to terms with the fact I will never be able to rationalize a totally irrational situation, there is no making sense out of addiction of any kind. The only thing I can count on is the fact my spouse will be completely unpredictable in a very predictable way. His thought process is distorted the same way mine is, .. which means .. there is no way to follow what or why someone does what they do.
When I speak to my spouse I picture "SSS" across his forehead meaning sick sick sick .. and I have lowered my expectations as much as possible. If nothing else because the expectations I have only serve to hurt me. As far as understanding why he does what he does .. can't help you there if I could I would have figured out my own situation. Say one thing do another, saying the two different things in the same sentence (no I can't make it "x" day, .. I'll see you "x" day.)
Take care of you, what do YOU want? YOU deserve to be happy, healthy, and whole emotionally, physically, mentally and financially. He's going to do what he's going to do .. what are YOU going to do to take care of yourself? Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Rationalizing with an addict or why they do what they do? My saying is rationalizing with an irrational person is like nailing jell-o to a tree it just is so not going to happen.
Sending you a ton of love and support, you are so not alone in this crazy situation. Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm with Jerry...the term highly functioning alcoholic is a misnomer, in my opinion. I get the implication, that an "HFA" hold down a job, doesn't have any legal or financial issues....yet. But, having been married to one, I can tell you that there is nothing functional about it. The mind is still that of an addict. They still lie, manipulate, and don't seem to understand the connection between cause and effect. But, luck runs out, as alcoholism is a progressive disease. In time, I sort of *wished* my AH would get popped for a DUI or go to work drunk or something...I don't mean that in a hateful way. And, you know what, without recovery, even a highly functioning alcoholic will eventually have to pay the piper, by death, jail, or losing people in their lives.
Sounds like your H is clear on what he wants- to be living the single life but still be able to count on you to be in it. No matter. What do YOU want? Go for that, and maybe you will find the answers to the questions about your H are no longer relevant.
I fully agree with both of you and thank you for taking the time to respond. My mother was a HFA and you know what, she eventually quit cold turkey when her Parkinsons' disease got really bad. But I look at it as all those wasted years. 6 weeks before she passed away, she apologized for her drinking and the pain it caused me and our family.
Al Anon has been my salvation and now it is really all about me. I talk to my higher power about showing me signs and esp. for giving me the strength to go on, to cope. Of course it is very difficult because I still love my H.
He is an excellent father. Always was & still is. My grown sons have not seen their father with his alcohol issues. Once my sons went off to college they never came back home. So basically since 2005 his drinking got intensified. Thus the term HFA. Hidden to the world except the loved one that it impacts. In this house, it is just me.
BUT I do believe that my sons realize drinking must be an issue because they know he cheated and lied and still does. It was hard for them to accept that as well. Both of my sons are lawyers and they take to heart about truth, integrity and loyalty. Especially loyalty for my oldest son because he is a JAG, military lawyer.
I wished my H would have gotten pulled over for drinking driving back over 2 years ago. Just didn't happen. So I understand your comment.
My regular counselor said to me last night, " I wish you spend all this time and energy thinking about yourself and not your H."
I know what it's like to feel like if you could only understand why an alcoholic or addicted loved one acts and does the things they do, if you could only make sense of it all, it would be somehow easier, or better.
The truth of the matter is that addicts and alcoholics do and say some really terrible aweful hurtful things. But that does not mean that they are evil or bad people. I have loved many of them very deeply and have accepted some really downright unacceptable behavior from past boyfriends all in the name of love and because I cling to the times when they are sober and loving letting myself ignore or rationalize all the rest.
As an addict myself I try and remind myself of how I have acted in the past when I was using. I also thought that I was a highly functioning addict. There is no such thing. We addicts are messy messy people with messy messy lives. Maybe one or two areas seem put together on the outside. But think about it, if we really could function then we wouldn't feel the need to turn to drugs or alcohol. I did and said a lot of things to people that loved me that I deeply regret. But I know that when I was doing and saying those hurtful things, that was my disease taking control of me. I used to make promises too when I would have moments of lucidity and sobriety but without a serious dedication and commitment to NA, those moments were always temporary.
I did not want to let go of my pain, I did not want to admit that I was powerless over drugs. I wanted to believe that I was living my life the way I wanted despite all the evidence to the contrary. I was a walking contradiction. Headstrong and stubborn and destroying not only myself, but my family and the few true friends I had. I lied, manipulated, cheated, stole, you name it. All the while hiding the truth of my actions and choices behind a deep wall of denial.
I got over my addiction to drugs before I was able to get over my addiction to people.
I humbly suggest that instead of trying to understand what makes him tick, you try and think instead about what makes you tick. Unfortunately you will never be able to fully understand or control him or his actions. But you can seek solace, comfort and wisdom through self-awareness and self-control.
Sending you strength, love and support
((((xoxo))))
__________________
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am for myself only, what am I? If not now, when?"
"Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life."
I really like your comment - Something I have learned over and over again is that if nothing changes, .. nothing changes. He will continue to get what he's got and so will you. I'm coming to terms with the fact I will never be able to rationalize a totally irrational situation, there is no making sense out of addiction of any kind. The only thing I can count on is the fact my spouse will be completely unpredictable in a very predictable way.
I copied and pasted that in my Happy Journal that I started almost 2 years ago when I went to a Life Coach. It is filled with so many wonderful, inspiring quotes, phrases, short stories from others that encourage me to keep moving forward, baby steps. As Mr. Martino taught me, Patience & Time = Happiness.
Dear Peachy219,
Thank you, thank you, thank you.your comments about addiction, especially knowing you were an addict, helped me in ways I could never express. You definitely seem to be on the right track to fulfilling self love and happiness.
Lastly and never the least,
Dear NMike,
I just turned 58, my H is 59. Our lives do seem to parallel each other.
Neither one of us wants a divorce. Your words, it is not in vocabulary are the exact words I have always said and still do. Now I add to it, My both sons are getting married in 2013. I need money for their weddings. Plus Steve & I agreed, I am entitled to all his stuff when he dies. I do assume he will before me. I eat healthy, exercise everyday, I am proud to say I am in excellent health & shape for a 58 year old.
I think my sons view their dad just as you said about your sons. My oldest sons favorite comment, it is what it is, deal with it. I have been for 2+ years.
Listen, if any of you want to send me a private message, I would be glad to share my full name with you and you can find me on Facebook.
You will then see my H, who still wants to be my friend on there. You will see all our family photos right up to March 31st. See, we have been trying to get back together. Once he admitted he had a drinking problem, I realized it was the alcohol that was keeping him from moving back home. Not all the crap he says like, you make me feel uncomfortable. He would say that after spending a day with me bicycle riding, hiking, going out to dinner. See the contradictions / confusion ??!!!
We even went to England & Italy this past Thanksgiving to see our oldest son.
Hoping to chat with all of you again.
"No matter what has happened in your life, you have the power to change what that event means to you and thus, change your experience, both emotionally and physically. Therein lies your power to heal." - Dr. Christiane Northrup Sometimes it is necessary to limit or eliminate your contact with certain individuals who bring you more misery than peace and do not reflect or allow you to be the person that you truly are or aspire to become. Instead, surround yourself with positive thinkers who are not always creating drama. Choose people who make your day brighter simply by being around them. Find those who you admire; you are proud to know; and who support, motivate and encourage you to grow.
