Unavailable partner - Al-Anon Family Group

Tigger · Senior Member

Unavailable partner

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have felt that way. Sending you love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It's an awful way to feel! I guess my question is,now that you know your partner is choosing not to support you or even cares enough to give to you as best as they can,what would make you want it anyway now, knowing this? sorry for the ruunnnn on sentence there!

We want from the special one we are a partner with for them to give from their heart.

I told my ex many times, only give what you want to. Even when we went to get the license to be married, I said ok are you sure?

I hate HATE to feel like a burden. I am telling you I living alone now feel soooo much less lonely and alone as I did with him.

If someone puts out no effort even after I have asked for what I have needed, that is their answer, they don't care.

This is my esh. We are here for ya! Pm, share come to meetings here. Sending you hugs. and love,debilyn

TryingToChange · Veteran Member

That sounds so much like what I've been going through for years with my AH. I recently posted about something similar, and the responses to my post were so helpful, especially one that said basically, A's are incapable of giving emotional support. They are so wrapped up in their disease that they just aren't capable of giving in that way; it's like going to the hardware store expecting to buy a loaf of bread. It isn't going to be there no matter how much we want it to be. I am trying now to just change my expectations of what my AH is able to give me, and it really seems to make it hurt less.

Sending good thoughts your way. I'm glad we have this forum to be able to support each other.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess my question would be -- and I mean this with kindness -- what's in it for you?

Peachy219 · Veteran Member

I know how you feel. I am sorry you are going through this.

I'm sending you tons of support and love.

Take care of yourself and be well.

(((((hugs))))))

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep up the recovery practice Tigger because as you learn more and know more and come more to understand your situation becomes temporary and he looses his power over you. You take it back. When my sponsor taught me that my alcoholic/addict didn't have the power to control or hurt me without my permission and participation I started taking my life back from the disease. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

nola · Member

I survived that way for 18 years for the sake of my children. Notice I didn't use the word live. That was no life. That was not a healthy way to live. Yes, I too left guilty for asking for what I needed only to be told NO again and again. I lived in a house full of people and I was so lonely. Now I live alone and I am not lonely any more. I am grateful for alanon because for the first time in my life I am happy, safe and at peace. God bless u.

Tigger · Senior Member

Thank you all for your loving support. It feels good to have that and the validation of me and that my humanness is not wrong or too much. I think my partner's responses tap into the rejection and shame I experienced growing up with an A father and codependent depressed mother. The rules in those households are "don't talk don't feel, don't trust". My partner is also a acoa, but without the support and recovery I have come to find really working this program. I think TryingToChange is right in this case about not being able to give it because of their own dis-ease and simply not having the resources to sort out what is appropriate.

My partner has since apologised, which is something...an acknowledgement that to be like that is hurtful...but the way it was said was still very child-like and ashamed of the behaviour, which says to me there still isn't the perspective there to change that yet. My partner I love very much. I don't know if there will ever be enough change for this to be fulfilling for me, but after reading here, I know I must not take it personally and need to detach with love , change my expectations and get as much of my needs as I can somewhere else. I also know I go into denial each time things get a little better between us, and forget their limitations. My denial (my inner child's denial too) is definitely putting me in a position to be hurt more.

Tigger x

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