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My estranged AH is back home after a work trip. I, of course, am out of the house and have been doing really well focusing on my own life and staying detached.
I'm finding myself obsessing again.
The man did horrible things to me; I don't want him back. I don't want to call him or see him. I'm not even upset and am able to sort of just observe my feelings about this.
I had to go into the city to check my mail and take care of some other business. The whole time, I'm looking out of the corner of my eye...will I see him? Was that his car? What if he walks through the door right now? Etc.
The next day, I had to email him about our divorce paperwork. It was all business, it was fine. For once, he kept his words on topic and didn't get personal or pleading. I guess this...threw me? How can I be wary that he is NOT harassing me?? Haha. It's weird.
I suppose this stuff will fade with time. Today I am going to a Mexican festival and excited to eat some serious street tacos and see some low riders. Not the sort of thing my ex would ever go to on his own, but definitely the kind of thing I would drag him along to, and we would have had fun. I really want to go for my own pleasure, but it does feel strange to be doing it without him.
I don't know what's really going on with me here. I definitely recognise that emotional charge I get when I start thinking about him or wondering what he is doing. How do I stop this?? I read about detachment last night and have asked my HP for help. Any other suggestions or shared experiences would be most welcome.
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Saturday 21st of April 2012 01:37:46 PM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Dolly...I just try to stay busy. I get the same obsessive thoughts about my AH....and I just have to tell myself stop or I feel like I'm going crazy. We have been apart 8 weeks and he text me about 3 weeks ago and told me he missed our talks...I let him have it thru a email and now I regret it because I actually had to eat crow and call him and left a message about our divorce. He hasn't returned the call or even responded with a text/email. So I'm not so confident at this time, but I'm staying busy....go to the festival and quit looking out the corner of your eye, lol. Enjoy yourself....for you!!!
Thanks chee! You know, soon after I posted this, I felt better. These are normal thoughts following a break up I suppose, so I'll cut myself some slack. AH is laying low and probably more nervous about bumping into me than I am about him! It feels weird that he is not bombarding me with long emotional emails...but I think I can get real excited about having peace in my life instead. Realizing how hooked I can get on the drama...and isn't that strange. It is my drug. Good observation; let's me know what I need to work on within myself.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I used to love the drama and adrenaline rush too, but I am breaking the habits of old and it sounds like you are too! Great awareness and glad you are getting out and living still. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The other thing is too I think it's normal to need to process. When others act in a way that is not the "norm" for them it can throw us. I also can now see where I need to be hooked into the drama and where I can now step back. Sometimes .. it's just feelings that I need to process and now I know I don't need to get stuck in them. Especially when I can see what is my business and what is not.
Hugs P :)
Hope you had a great time out!!
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yes, Pushka. That's a great point. It's funny how his silence and seeming respect of my boundaries is the "not normal"...really goes to show how sick our relationship was and how far away from my own sense of decency I allowed myself to go.
I also think, for me, being vigilant of his whereabouts is a response to the domestic violence stuff...a safety precaution sort of. If I *did* see him out somewhere, I would go about my business or just leave the vicinity...I don't believe he would try to follow me or anything like that. But you never know what a desperate, hurting addict will do. So, there's that.
At least I am not doing "drive-bys" of the apartment or hanging out in the old neighborhood.
I'm now safely tucked away at a nature retreat for the next month as I get ready for Army basic training. My hosts are great...lots of good healing energy here. And lots of hiking and gym time ahead of me! I am re-focused on my goals and no time to obsess about the A.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
