The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I grew up in a mentally ill home, escaped to chaotic relationships, jumped from one to the next for decades. Had long periods of celibacy where I felt incredibly lonely, despondent and abandoned.
So there was never much semblance of balance in my life.
Skip to 5 years since I left the ex A (anniversary is this month) now I am beginning to see I see saw on all kinds of stuff, patience, accomodation, expectations and more. I go overboard one or the other way. I also either am boundaryless or barricaded in. Right now in my retail job I'm barricaded in (for good reason) and working to let go of all kinds of resentment which partly come from my being too accomodating and not getting what I wanted (lol!). I don't think I ever could have smiled about that before so its progress.
Before when people said things about balance I had no idea what they were talking about I felt that was for other people. I also felt that being liked was the single most important thing of the day bar none and now I don't. At the same time I'm not particularly keen on being disliked (which of course I am at the store comes with the territory when you move from people pleasing to limits).
Now I'm beginning to see I know what a door mat is but not what boundaried is really. I know what resentment is but not what grace and letting go is. People tell me all the time to let go but if I let go then I feel like I'm all alone and I want to be recognized as struggling. Maybe that isn't going to happen.
5 years on from the ex A I have a life. I don't have the life I dreamed of but I do have peace, quiet and no drama (most of the time) I also don't live, eat sleep fear although my needs are no means taken care of.
I don't regret for one minute leaving him I just have to discover all the ways I stayed, all the levels of denial I parlayed to stay and why I did it.
Great share, Maresie. I'm still trying to figure out what "balance" means. I'm trying to move away from obsessing about my soon-to-be-exAH and moving towards seeking happiness and peace in my life. I'm really liking being away from the drama and uncertainty that I had in my life when I moved out a year ago. I need to be okay with taking care of my side of the street and not worrying about his. I had 30 years of worrying about him- it's a whole new chapter in my life focusing on just me. My kids are grown and are doing well, thank God. Now I need to move and an reinvent myself. Somedays it's easier to obsess about my AH rather than working on me! Progress not perfection!
I have no idea what balance is. I'm realizing I really don't have a clue about alot of things. You ask a really good question. The first thing that comes to my mind is someone walking a tight rope. This is probably a reflection of my destructive thinking. Someone says balance and the first thing I think of is a tight rope walker perched precariously over imminent demise.
I'm trying to have a sense of humor about all this. I don't really have a clear answer right now. I have some vague sense that balance must involve peace and stability - things I know precious little about, but I'm hopeful.
Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for your response to my post and thank you for sharing
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"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am for myself only, what am I? If not now, when?"
"Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life."
Wonderful post. I have struggled my whole life with balance. I know its importance by the way I feel when I do not have it but I am really having a hard time finding the words to describe what it is exactly for me. I seek it in everything ... sleep, work/play, humor/serious, self care/care for others, eating.
I also have stumbling blocks in the balance of boundaries. There are some personal boundaries that are flat out everyone included boundaries which are good strong ones. But then when I start to form the individual person boundaries depending on the particular person or situation I tend to want that hard fast rule for self protection ... that does not feel balanced. And I can end up pretty isolated as well. I notice my progress is a bit like a pendulum, swing this way then back and eventually I find myself resting in the center, it just takes a while to work the momentum out
"I want to be recognized as struggling" I used to need that validation so much. I needed someone to recognize that I was up against incredible odds in my mentally ill family-of-origin, and later with my abusive alcoholic husbands (I've had two, whoo-hoo lucky me!). Just wanted some comfort that never seemed to come. In retrospect, I realize that the people around me had this thing called boundaries and were not going to swoop in and save me, because they couldn't. Only I could. This was a major a-ha moment for me. Now, I am learning to ask for help, to validate myself, and I can't tell you how valuable are the words of perfect strangers here on the internet when I need a listening ear and compassionate words of support.
Balance. Right now my life is purposely unbalanced. It's a transition period. I am pouring all my energy into loving and connecting with my HP, and in caring for my physical body due to my upcoming military training. It is enough for right now. My social life and friend-building are admittedly on the backburner. For me, a balanced life would mean taking care of my needs for money, a healthy body and mind, a spiritual connection, building friendships, and interaction within my community (volunteer work). Maybe part of balance is being unbalanced from time to time as we play catch-up in certain areas.
I read something nice today about letting go. I think it was in the Hope For Today book. It said that letting go is like how trees shed their leaves so that there can be new growth in the spring. I like this idea. I had this gorgeous spider web on my patio once upon a time. I used to watch this spider for hours, building and repairing her web, waiting for food to fly in. Once, I tossed a small piece of leaf on her web to see what she would do. Well, she sprung to action and checked it out, then unceremoniously cut around the leaf to free it from the web, and restrung it. She knew it was not food for her and it must go to make room for the good stuff. I still think of this lesson 18 years later. Letting go flipped on its side means making room for something better, even if that change in the status quo is scary and uncertain.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Ive had this running through my head since you posted. I can't say what balance means for me. The typical "me, work, kids, friends, family, bf, etc" comes to mind. Then I stare at all of it and go "how can that be balanced?".
Balance is something my washing machine can't seem to keep. Neither can I. Boy I need to really consider this one!
What comes to my mind is, like Peachy, a tight-rope walker, or rather the look on his face and how hard he struggles if the stick he uses to balance himself is heavier on one side. Imagine that? Imagine you're the walker trying to balance a stick that has too much STUFF on one side. Too much work, not enough play; too many bills, not enough money; too many chaotic nights, not enough peaceful ones; too many waking hours, not enough sleep. Identifying exactly where the imbalance is and what to do to bring it into balance can make a difference in life.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Another way of saying the second step. "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to balance". Part of balance for me is holding myself, of course with HP's and the program's help, in reasonable limits keeping aware that I make the choices and balance is the consequence on all levels....mind, body, spirit and emotions. Just for me. Although I make the choices, I cannot and ought not do the process alone. Just for me. Great post!! I wanna hear much more. ((((hugs))))
I grew up in chaos married into chaos and now am living a relatively simple existence. I am not living for material things or being owned by anyone. I am laughing more and enjoying life. I am no longer living in the past or feeling victimized for things I have been through, but know I am a survivor and can better deal with life coming from what I have.
Balance to me means I am taking care of myself (body, soul and Spirit) and meeting the needs of my children to the best of my abilities. I am living life to my utmost ability and am no longer hiding or paralyzed in fear. My balance is new to me and sometimes I let go of my balance to fall back into old patterns of mental anguish, but as soon as I become aware of spiraling in my head, I work as hard as I can to get through the issue at hand to get back to my serenity. I am so much more productive at work, home and exercise than ever and have fun now in my life. I feel balanced when I know I am not sweating the small stuff and am facing the big stuff head on knowing I will get through it just fine and I know things will work out the way they are supposed to. The things I can't control I let it go to my HP.
Grest topic Maresie! I am sending you all love and support in your efforts towards serenity and balance!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Saturday 21st of April 2012 01:13:19 PM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Balance for me means I can sit down at the end of the day and feel relaxed and at peace because I took care of all my needs, physical, emotional, spiritual, and not to leave out my physical environment is pleasing to my eyes. Not being needy when the sun goes down. If its not possible to get all these things met I think the most important one is nurturing your soul, we all must discover what that means individually, or we will miss an important part of our lives the one that gives us passion to move on regardless of what hand we've been dealt.
In support, Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
