How Important Is It? - Al-Anon Family Group

amills4294 · Senior Member

How Important Is It?

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi P,

Your post reminded me of how I get myself into trouble when a negative thought pops into my head (this just happens like a bad habit!) and then I start BELIEVING that thought, and just as sure as the sun rises each and every day, a negative emotion will follow. So, it helps me a LOT to get those thoughts out of my head and onto paper, in black and white, so I can investigate those thoughts. I write out the statements I am believing and ask myself if it's TRUE? Sometimes I believe a thought so thoroughly that it becomes a fact. Feelings aren't facts. But only YOU can know what's worth losing your serenity over.

So many times, I find that I am just wanting to control everything again, putting people under the microscope, or just stir up some trouble again because life is kinda boring without all the drama..... and if I don't do the inventory on it, I will end up justifying, rationionalizing and defending my right with the best of em.... my right to a resentment, lol. My argument that things - as they are - should not be happening, how insane is that?

But that is what we do. It's human to have a negative emotion. It's our dis-ease when we let it occupy our mind over and over and over.

During the divorce, I was especially tempted to butcher my husbands precious reputation with our kids (there's a lot they don't know) and thank you God that I was in al-anon at the time, my sponsor helped me understand how WRONG and controlling that would be. What the kids have a right to, is developing their own relationship with their dad whatever that looks like, I don't need to play god there either. My kids are now in their 20's and they are beginning to experience some of their own frustrations of dealing with an alcoholic....

Occasionally the lil' devil sitting on my shoulder thinks it would be a most delicious idea to compound their tales of woe with some of my own, how their dad was always like that and "here's another thing.... " bleck!!! MY mind goes there, to be sure, but that is not the woman I want to be.

Fact is, my children qualify for al-anon and ACA too. Their rock bottom may be coming, I am powerless over that. But changed attitudes can aid recovery, they might benefit soooo MUCH if their mother could model a spiritual response over her old human response.... my children have seen that human response many many times over, I am so sad to say. That was the hardest part for me in recovery, owning my sick behavior, taking my frustration and anger at my husband, out on my kids. We have all suffered enough.

If they end up having a beautiful relationship with their father, thank you Higher power!! Because that is what I REALLY want for my children, I want my kids to love their dad. I can help to build that, or I can destroy that opportunity, recovery has taught me I have choices in my behavior.

-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 25th of April 2012 05:39:53 PM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm trying to decide .. LOL .. I have a situation with the kids school, .. I am responsible for homework, rides to and from school and so on. I don't mind that at all .. what I do mind is the 4 nights out of the month as well as 2 weekends I'm still responsible for making sure the homework is done.

It's important to me that the kids know to go to their dad as well as me and when it's appropriate to go to what particular parent. When they are with their dad it needs to be addressed with him.

6 nights out of a month I should be able to not have the additional responsibility as HE is a parent as well. I feel angry about it because it's like once again he gets to slide. I'm not taking away from the fact he works his butt off always has .. now he is because he's created some seriously crappy situations for himself. He's not liking the results of his choices.

I asked him to write it down on a calendar if he needs to just so he can remember .. or good grief write it down on a piece of paper and attach it to the fridge I don't care just frigging do it!

If he were actively drinking I could more easily excuse the behavior as ok .. that's an active A .. however .. he's not or supposedly he's not .. I don't view this as my issue. I feel bad because the kids are going to suffer the consequences of it.

I am to the point of letting the kids homeroom teachers know .. if you get paperwork that is not signed off on Friday's or Monday's please feel free to call this number and discuss the issue with my separated spouse. (I wouldn't say it like that however that is the crux of the message in my mind!)

Is that appropriate or not? I do not think the kids need to pay a consequence for his inability to remember basic things. He wants to known why I repeat myself .. LOL .. well .. hellloooo this is why. I do not know what he remembers or how much he remembers from a day to day basis.

Thanks for listening .. I did send a text it wasn't nasty it was please please please sign off on homework on Thursday nights and I did let him know I do this more often than not .. could he do whatever he needs to do to remember. This is not something I enjoy doing 10 min before we leave to go to school. I didn't say this however I do find it very passive/aggressive in behavior. It's one more way to blindside me and throw me off schedule.

Hugs P :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

He has not much clue about how to be a mom. Granted, checking homework and school readiness are things a Dad should be able to do also, but most of them simply don't. It would be hard to not take it personally and also not to view it as a purposeful thing. While (like you said) his busy schedule and such is largely the result of his poor decisions and the jam you say he's in, he still has his own learning curve and it will remain to be seen what kind of single parent he is capable of being.

I don't walk in your shoes here or have personal ESH with the type of situation you are describing so maybe someone else can offer more here.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Pushka

I had to be very careful with this slogan. During the many years of living with alcoholism I had used the same thought to excuse bad behavior and to ignore my basic needs.

By the time I entered alanon,NOTHING CINCERNING MY NEEDS was important.

I had to learn the opposite when it came to myself. First things first, keep it simple and focus on yourself.

That said, I like your solution of advising he home- room teacher to check with Dad since the children are his responsibility on certain days.

I would also tell the children that their homework needed to be signed off and to bring the papers to dad and ask for his signature.

All bases are covered- and you are free to take care of you. smile

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Mark made a good point about how he's not mom! He's never had to be responsible in this way before for the kids so it's new to him. I like your suggestion about telling the home room teachers, it shouldn't be a big deal. Also, I know your daughter is 13, can you text her every evening and remind her to have dad do this before they leave dad's house? She is old enough to help out and take care of her own homework and responsibilities, too. My ds wouldn't actually 'remember' to do it but if I texted him, then he'd step up and do it.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the feedback .. I hate putting more responsibility on my daughter than she should have .. it also puts her in the position of having to be the reminder .. I don't like that either. I kind of go with just because one sex has a uterus doesn't mean they need to have the reminder gene. Even in a text it's still me controlling a situation where he needs to act appropriately. I don't want to put her in that position because she should not have to stress about if her brother has his homework done or not. Which that's the homework that needs to be signed off on. I do like to look at hers .. however .. because she is older she tends to have more voice in specific situations. Plus I already know she's going to tell me .. now what she volunteers with her dad I don't know.

I do like the original idea of letting the teacher know if she wants signed off homework on those days to call and speak to my husband directly. I've done everything I can do at this point. Begged, pleaded, gotten angry .. lol .. it's not working for me. I did let little man know .. next time it goes with a note from me to the teacher that I'm not responsible on those days. Now he is the kind of kid who will look at his dad and say .. mom's writing a note to the teacher if you don't check off on this. Both the kids have gotten better about having a voice with him. If they don't like something they let him know big time. I am out of ideas.

It's so hard to know what is appropriate and what is not at this point. I'm really struggling to find a balance. He's so checked out on all of us really, our son caught the neatest fish his first time out fishing and of course never mentioned it to his dad (he caught a total of 5 I think it was) and of course dad didn't know. H just doesn't ask involved questions and because of that he misses out. I'm talking basic questions, did you do anything special this week? What is going on at school? That is never followed up with there has to be more than that tell me about your day.

I mean this was a big deal to the kiddo .. that dang catfish was almost 2ft long!! It was a very proud day for him. So for the boy not to mention it, for my husband to act as if nothing special happens during the time they are apart, I feel sorry for him. He has missed out and because he chooses not to ask as it's on us to tell him .. well funny special stories get missed. Again .. I feel sorry for him.

Anyway, thanks again .. there's a lot on my mind at the moment and I'm going to work on getting out of my head .. LOL!!

Hugs P :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Pushka and sorry but I had to put my oldest daughter in charge at her dads house, so that important things were taken care of woth her little sister. I stay out of the little things, but some things are very important, like brushing my 3 year olds teeth so she doesn't get any more cavities. He blames me for her bad teeth, but doesn't remember to brush them, I rather just have it getting done and yes my oldest pays for my exAH's disease yet again. I am sending you much love and support!

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Pushka, you and I live parallel universes. I like what Hotrod said. Don't think of it as "too much responsibility", think of it as "life skills". My boys have had to learn to be responsible for their own medication, making sure they get their teeth/baths done, and even getting themselves up on time because often my ex over sleeps.

I've used it as a place I can instill pride in them and they have learned to do it. Hugs, it feels like the tables are turned but I try hard to present it from whatever view I can to empower my kids.

Too hard · Senior Member

My experience is that I was always responsible for the children's homework, even though my husband was sober but recovering all those years.

Now they are adults and have good careers, incomes and children of their own.

You may choose to attempt to look to the future and do whatever you can now to support the kids, lessen stress, and to help them slowly to become independent.

As they grow hopefully they will become more able to speak up for themselves.

Good idea to let the teacher know the situation.

Equally I know that I am not responsible for the relationship between the children and their father.

The best of wishes. T.H.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Pushka, I am in contact with school kids 5 days a week so I hear what they say, how they think. The ones on my bus have no problem talking about telling their parents what to do to keep them from getting in trouble with their teachers, I hear it all the time. You ask how important is it and I'd say that it is very important that your kids learn that THEY are responsible for making sure their school work is turned in, on time with all T's crossed and I's dotted. If their homework needs to be signed off by a parent then it is never too early to teach your kids that they have to ensure that it is done. I remember a conversation with a teen once who blamed everyone else for her problems in school, the teacher was mean, her parents didn't do this, someone else was ...... SHE was the one ultimately responsible for making sure that things were done so she could pass her class - she's the one suffering the consequences so she is the one responsible for making sure everything gets done. In a way, not making it the kid's responsible for getting a parents signature is a way of enabling them to not take responsibility.

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