The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Participating in this program has opened up a lot of closed off emotions - many that I really would rather not feel but I know I need to move through them to get past them and see them from the other side. Sometimes this is a very difficult thing to do when others either don't understand the process or don't want me to actually remember or feel anything of the things that they worked so hard to keep me from feeling. I find myself with sudden bouts of anger or sadness and then it does go away once I allow myself to feel these things. I am mostly grateful that I can finally do that but I do have times where I get angry that it's only now that I'm feeling the things I should have years ago. It can be a lonely process at times because they are my feelings and quite often others involved don't remember or see things as I did. I guess sometimes I want validation but I am learning and realizing these are my feelings and noone elses and they are real even if no one else feels them.
It's so hard to find validation from within ourselves. It sounds like you are doing a great job!! Keep up the good work!! It's all so worth it even in the pain it's all worth it!! It means growth and growth is always a positive thing!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have had that happen. When you stuff emotions they become resentments and then you do some digging and the resentments come up when others forgot them because they never built a resentment in the first place. It's good to journal these and talk to your sponsor about them. If it needs to be addressed with the person or people it occurred with, that is something to discuss with your sponsor. Usually conversations that go like "Remember 5 years ago when you said....." do not go well because other people won't remember and they will wonder why you are clinging to the past. They don't know or understand it's part of you healing and changing the person you are.
My point is that while the people involved in the conflicts (mainly spouse, ex, or family of origin) might not recall events or feel the same about them as you, that doesn't make your feelings not real. Of course they don't remember the incidents like you. With alcoholics and such, they don't really want you to change and stop enabling them, so you won't typically get validation or understanding there. Half the time or more, they won't remember the incidents because they were drunk. You are not alone. This is part of recovery. It's good to process the past, but the goal is to not just relive resentments but accept your part and know how you would now go about things differently (and then feel good about that).
I found that finally finding my feelings was a true gift of this program. The second gift was having a sponsor and alanon members that I could call and express my true feelings, be heard and understood.
So true, I can totally relate. Before my dad died I was doing some serious soul searching and working on forgiving him(he was my primary qualifier for getting into Al Anon, my AH was second). I would talk to my mom (they've been divorced for 20 years) and bring up stuff and she'd think I was crazy for remembering things in a certain way but when I really brought the situation to light to her, she realized that she was the one living in denial because of my dad's drinking and she hid in her office while he verbally abused me and my sister. It's weird how stuff can come out and others don't remember or see it the way we did, but a lot of the time it's because they were coping in their own way and maybe they haven't come to terms with their own emotions from the past.
You have a right to your feelings. As you work through them, you will find peace but I, too, have found it is a lonely journey. And, that's what we're here for and your f2f meetings, too.
Thank you all for your support (I sound like a politician! LOL)
Here's an example how out of nowhere I was hit with emotion very hard... I was taking clothes out of the dryer and pulled my daughter's sweatshirt out. On the back of it is her last name (I kept my maiden name.) When I saw it I felt this surge of emotion and started bawling and I had to figure out where it was coming from... all of the sudden it was like watching a movie in my head and I let it play out as I took my shower and cried in the shower. My spouse has never really said that it bothers him that I kept my name but I know it does - he's made little jabs. I guess in many ways I am seeking acknowledgement for me for who I am - not the reflection of somebody else as I was my entire life growing up. I am very proud of my Dad's family name and it is part of who I am. I am very close to my dad and my grandmother and aunt before they died. They are/were very incredible people. That side of the family is dying off. I'm it - there are no more Mills' after my brothers and I pass. I had my daughter out of wedlock but immediately honored her father's name (we later married). She does have my grandmother's first name. I don't think it's a choice to keep my name - it is part of who I am and I don't feel like I should give that up, nor do I want to. My husband is very proud of his name and his family - as he should be - why should mine be ANY less important or valuable. It's hard to describe what I'm feeling but I am planning on sharing with him - in a positive way - the experience I felt when I saw our daughter's last name on her sweatshirt and the emotions it brought up in me. The piece that I'm leaving out was the reaction he had the first time he saw her sweatshirt... he was so excited and so proud and shocked that I had ordered it that way. His pride is important as is mine. I'm proud of my family name and I'm proud we share in our daughter.
I guess I'm just non traditional but I believe sometimes traditions need to be questioned :)
I can relate to your share about not feeling the emotions until years later. My exAH cheated on me a few times that I know of early on when we were just dating, but we had our oldest daughter by then and were together. I gave her his name and after we married I took his name, but he was always mad that I even debated keeping my own, but after 10 years of dating I got comfy having it. After all these years I finally have felt through the disappointments of our 15 years together and I had to look at it and feel it and I know I won't go back into it. I am glad you are acknowledging your feelings and standing up for how you feel. Keep up the good work!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
