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My husband has been sober for over 2 years. He is on step 10. I have had counselling from his rehab and was discharged a few months ago. I am very proud of my husband and the work he has done BUT I have been getting increasingly unhappy about our financial situation. He has not worked for 3 years - I am bringing in the only wage with which I pay for everything. There is no money left for enjoyment or small personal things. My husband gets ESA and puts a little towards food and spends the rest on himself. My mother in law recently came into a lot of money and offered to pay off our credit cards to help ease the financial pressure on me. My husband said no as he wanted to pay off his own debts (which I've been paying for 3 years) but I agreed and gave my mother in law the go ahead to pay off the cards which she has done. My husband found out about it and has gone mad!! He's not talking to me and says we have to pay her back. He says that I decieved him and no longer trusts me.
He was quite happy with me working full time and overtime and paying his bills. I had told him how unhappy I am and how unfair I thought things were but nothing changed.
I am so very happy that your hubby has found sobriety and that your mom in law was so very generous.. Your hubby's need to pay his own debts is indeed noble and supported by his program of recovery.
I would leave it with him. and suggest that since his mom has helped out I feel less stress. If he want to pay her back he is free to do so. In the mean time you can sleep better at night.
MaryB, I too support my AH and our household. I used to be resentful about it until I realized that I was better off being able to support myself rather than being dependent on him. He has always had trouble holding a job and only recently (with the help of a new therapist and a new commitment to his program) went back to school to get a skill set that will ultimately help make him more of a financial contributor to our life. But I hold no expectations that that day will ever come. If it does great, if not I am fine with it too. You can waste a lot of time resenting, if he isn't working and the burdon is on you perhaps you can have a rational conversation with him (when he is sober of course) and let him hear your side of how the burdon of being the sole provider feels to you. I assure you I often have felt overwhelmed. If your MIL paying off some debt helps ease your burden, and he isn't working and can't or won't find work, then I would not feel guilty if I was you taking the help. Believe me, if he really felt badly enough and wanted to pay off his own debt he would be, it is just easier for his diseased brain to blame you, get angry at you and try to make you feel guilty. HOtrod is right, I wouldn't justify, argue or defend your position. No one can make you feel anything, you do that to yourself. Ultimately, only you can decide if you want to be married to him, but don't expect him to change, it never works. Either be confident and feel good about your choices or change your choices. You will get nothing but support and love here, hugs and prayers to you. SG
Aloha Mary B...hope you're attending face to face Al-Anon Family Groups in your area where support is also real people not that MIP isn't a miracle maker too. He's on step 10...Continued to take PERSONAL inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it...just part of the picture I'm getting. Step 10 is ongoing growth and maintenance of sobriety or sometimes just being dry...I also see step 3...Came to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves could lead us to SANITY.
I'm in that program also and we agree that at 2 years we just barely climbed out of the hole we dug for outselves. We still know very little about our self centered and selfish characters. I had to learn humility and it took me a great deal of time. I was urged often by my sponsors and the program to sit still and listen, not respond and consider that the finger of responsibility pointed back at me or as Al-Anon asked "What is my part in it"?
If you're not already...check out the Al-Anon meetings in your area and come meet with us there. You can find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book.
I meant to say, this has nothing to do with anything, just me taking a stroll down memory lane. I remember decades ago the AlAnon book did not encourage women to work. The man of the family was the breadwinner and it was his job to support the household. Seems quite quaint, now, doesn't it? I like how He is angry with You for getting help with the burden you've been carrying. Crazy-making. I remember a tense time when nothing my husband said had anything to do with reality. I had to remind myself a hundred times a day that he was just talking, and it didn't mean a thing. For instance: He had gotten downsized and was home all day. I wasn't working, either. We had one bathtub. He'd announce early in the morning that he was going to take a shower. So I'd stay out of the main bathroom. Hours later I'd realize that he still hadn't taken his shower. And I'd been hanging out of the "real" bathroom because he'd said words that I had interpreted to mean that he was going to be in there imminently. And like any good co-dependent, I'd give place. Sometimes when he was talking I'd imagine the words were just blue fog coming out of his mouth. And he wasn't drinking. Just somewhere in the middle of his 40-year dry drunk.
Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
The actual drinking is only the tip of the iceberg. It's not even the main issue, .. which is all of the emotional/life stuff.
I like what Temple suggested as far as realizing what they are doing is not personal it's deflection from the true issue at hand. Blue fog .. lol .. I am so going to remember that one! I also really like HotRod's suggestion about hiring in help if you can, because you deserve to take care of you. You need to be whole, sane and healthy. Dealing with these insane rationalizations and behavior is crazy making.
I hope you will think about attending alanon again and finding your own support group because he needs his AA stuff you need support as well.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome to MIP! I hope you are able to find Face to Face meetings they are wonderful too!!!
You have received great ESH (experience, strength and hope)
"I would leave it with him. and suggest that since his mom has helped out I feel less stress. If he want to pay her back he is free to do so. In the mean time you can sleep better at night. I would not justify, argue, or defend my position."
Money issues are a tough issue to handle on your own. Your husband needs to understand all you have gone through as well as him. You are now dealing with your marriage problems all on your own. I feel you are right, if family can help, then it releases some of the stress that you have been shouldering. You need to give him time to get over his pride and understand that you both needed help in the financial arena. Its a hard thing to ask for help, and he's probably still trying to come to grips with requesting help for his addiction only to have to ask again. Good job in handling it all yourself!!!! KUDOS!!! MS
