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Does anyone have experience or thoughts on telling your boss about a spouse's alcoholism?
I have an excellent relationship with my boss and have worked with him for nearly 15 years. I'm considering telling him what is going on just so he is aware that I may need to take time out of the office here and there to deal with the kids. But I don't know if this would be a mistake or not.
Just curious if others have any experience to share, thanks.
I decided to tell my boss that I was going through some personal issues with my husband that might have an impact on my work hours. My boss was very understanding and respected my privacy by not asking for any further details. I did not feel that he needed to know more than that. Especially if my AH and I were to reconcile (which hasn't happened). I wanted my employer to be aware of any changes in my performance and to know that I was in the middle of a stressful situation.
I don't have experience with that, I have experience with a child with mental illness. Do you have FMLA? That is protective, if your employer offers it, and you've been there a year, generally you can apply for it. There is intermittent leave, meaning you don't always know when you need the time and it's not extended time, like months or weeks in a row.
For myself, the questions I'd ask myself before I went that route: 1. What can I gain from this? 2. What are the potential drawbacks? Is my boss trustworthy?
I'd weigh those.
My own employer tends to use any "weakness" against their employees. So we tell our bosses NOTHING. I'm glad it's that way because I work with these people and would never be friends with them outside of work. So there is no muddying of concern, caring or criticism for my outside life. But that is my own experience and I honestly wish I could have a better relationship with my boss, but still not sure I'd share now that I know what can happen - and so far not sharing has afforded me the opportunity to not have people constantly asking me about things.
I do share with two coworkers I consider trusted friends. They don't talk about it to anyone else.
Also even with FMLA you are not required to inform your boss WHY you are taking it. The only people that have to know are in HR - of course if you are with a small company and your boss is HR, then that's another story :) I've taken FMLA twice now, I opted not to tell them what it was for.
Big decision, I hope whatever you decide it is in your benefit.
I know I did. You won't need to get into details and mine was totally supportive. It also might explain why you might need to miss a meeting, etc. when dealing wtih personal issues. You've been impacted enough to also have work concerns as well. I am in sales so performance is important and I didn't want anyone thinking I was slacking if I missed out on a group meeting, etc. Hope this helps. I had to contact my HR lead too due to insurance issues with rehab, etc. By law neither can say anything about it. Just FYI.
Like the others have said, I think it just depends upon your specific work and relationship with your boss.
I ended up telling my boss when I had to call in on a holiday weekend because AH was in jail from a DUI. Actually, when I called in I didn't know where he was so I was that lovely mixture of mad, worried, upset that we get. She is now my co-worker and a previous co-worker is now my boss and I had already told her. The people I work with are very understanding so I wasn't worried about telling them I have not told most of my co-workers. It's none of their business.
I struggled with that decision and eventually told my boss. I almost immediatly regretted it He could not get past his mental picture of an alcoholic, a homelss bum type scenario....... I learned something that day.
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I have learned to be more selective in sharing a confidence. I check my motives and am more aware of the endpoint I am trying to achieve.
In my experience, disclosing a "family illness" garnered a wider birth of leeway. At the time, I thought that this might be somewhat misleading, but addiction is an illness, and a family illness as well.
It is my nature to not say anything. When my AHsober moved out people came out of the woodwork telling me all about his nasty habits. Why didn't they tell him? Why didn't they say something when he was working here?
I like what everyone has shared and agree the saying a family disease and gg's original post about non disclosure of exactly what it is.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I held a voluntary position under my AH's boss. It was a sort of family support position. I decided to resign due to the stress at home and my inability to focus on other people's problems for the time being. I met with the boss to give him a head's up to start looking for another candidate. I told him there were problems at home but that we weren't in any sort of crisis (I lied). He offered his full support and immediately suspected H's drinking as the "problem." He turned out to be incredibly supportive, even ordering my H to alcohol treatment when he was late to work one day. (H never went, and the boss went on to another assignment...)
But, your mileage may vary. Really depends on your comfort level with the boss, how much s/he really needs to know, and what help you need from them.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
What I do relate to, is being given the opportunity to tell the truth and leaving the outcome to God.
To me, is it not honest to say, my wife is having emotional problems? This is, after all, a disease of mind, body, emotions, spirit... so, to me, that is honest. He may have much more compassion for you (and her) that way, as you request what you need to take care of yourself and your family .... I believe Higher power wants to support you.
Sadly, there is a lot of misunderstanding surrounding the disease of alcoholism. Use caution if you believe you might harm yourself by spelling it out. When in doubt, don't.
Take what you like, my friend.
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 18th of April 2012 10:09:56 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 18th of April 2012 10:18:07 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
When I first realized I was married to an A I was completely lost on what to do and how to handle it.
The Friday after a long week of verbal garbage, I had hit the bottom and I was prepared to leave him. I came in to work early, told my manager that I had married someone who was not a very nice person when he was drinking and asked for the rest of the day off once I cleared the pressing work items from my desk.
I drove to my inlaws where I shared the past weeks details and my complete loss at what I was supposed to do. This was the begining of the journey which ultimately brought me to Al-Anon, thank God!
My manager's father is an A. So when I asked for a longer lunch hour to try an Al-Anon meeting I was given a supportive absolutely. I was not as comfortable at that meeting as I was at the meeting I now attend but my manager knows that I still actively participate in Al-Anon.
I have realized since being here that it is important to respect the privacy of my AH. Not everyone needs to know. However I make no secret of my own involvement in Al-Anon. I so appreciate this program and all that I am learning that I find it naturally spills over into all aspects of my life.
I think you can certainly say you have things going on at home but perhaps you do not have to provide any further detail then that.
The only boss I ever regretted telling about my own alcoholism was a boss that I didn't have a good relationship with anyhow. Towards the end of my employment there we both were slinging mud at each other and she definitely threw it in my face (tried to say I came to work drunk when I never did. Hungover yes. Drunk no.)
I have been around the block with a bunch of jobs in the 25 years I have been working.
It /really/ depends on your boss.
My wife's DUI, coupled with the lack of any sort of friends in connecticut to help out (we are transplants here) necessitated me letting my boss know about her issues with booze and sleeping pills.
I have worked for some guys though who are rotten to the core and who would use something like this to get you fired.
Even now, my boss I think has had his fill of it with me having to take days off to deal with Wife's love of the bottle and the other crap that comes with her bottle.
They can tolerate it for a while, but in the long run if it continues to affect work, it can become an issue. You'll know its an issue when you get a written warning about not showing up.
Oh, and it depends on what you are doing too. If you are not easily replaced, then they tend to tolerate it a bit more. Though I can see my own employer making slow steps to at least get a backup General Lee in their office. But then they don't want to pay for two, etc.
I have realized since being here that it is important to respect the privacy of my AH. Not everyone needs to know. However I make no secret of my own involvement in Al-Anon. I so appreciate this program and all that I am learning that I find it naturally spills over into all aspects of my life.
Very thoughtful bit there. The line between their privacy and enabling is often a blurry one. For instance, if they pass out in the front yard, do you put a blanket over them or not? If they drive drunk with kids in the car, do you call the cops? If they are puking in the bathroom, do you help? etc. etc.
Sometimes its not possible to avoid telling people.
"Sometimes its not possible to avoid telling people." I really appreciated Glad Lee's ESH "What I do relate to, is being given the opportunity to tell the truth and leaving the outcome to God. To me, is it not honest to say, my wife is having emotional problems? This is, after all, a disease of mind, body, emotions, spirit... so, to me, that is honest. He may have much more compassion for you (and her) that way, as you request what you need to take care of yourself and your family .... I believe Higher power wants to support you."
There are so many really wonderful reads in our Al-Anon One Day at A Time and Courage to Change. I have found that when I am particularly struggling with one thing or another when I read and seek my HP I find strength and hope to move forward.
When I learned to allow my alcoholic/addict wife the dignity of her choices that further freed me from the responsiblility of her anonymity. Everyone knew. I stopped spreading the news.
I learned in the definition of alcoholism that it affects everyone it comes into contact with and that soooo often it is the enabler of the disease that is the major carrier of it into the surrounding family and community. From my own personal inventory I will nod to that description and so my amends was to stop being a carrier and get on with what I was responsible to and form myself entirely. Drugged and Drunk was her symptoms and she eventually arrived at treatment for that without me as it should have been in the first place.
I did lots of things to "force" her to stop yet as promised and with amazement, those things always made things worse. Al-Anon gives us the slogan "Think" and for me that was a suggestion and then a behavior. I had to learn how to and then followed thru. I am grateful that MIP is an instrument where I can continue to do that with the help of others and arrive at much better circumstances than I would have had I gone it alone.
I feel so fortunate to have a boss with whom I can openly discuss these sort of things.
I find honestly and communication are important not only in my home/family relationships, but also in the workplace.
When I first told my boss what was going on in my life, it was just after I'd discovered my exAH's adventures on Craigslist with gay men. I remember pulling her into the conference room and just crying my eyes out, but I felt she needed to know what was happening with me because it had potential to keep me away from my work. I am so grateful she's an extremely supportive person and told me "Kelly, it's okay. You do whatever it is you need to do to get through this. If you need time off, then take the time. If you need to be kept busy and distracted, then we'll give you so much stuff to do you can't think of anything else. Whatever you need, just let me know."
I know my boss isn't the norm. Some employers aren't comfortable with the details of their employee's personal lives. But, like it or not, large personal tragedies will affect a person's ability to work, and for me, it's important to be forthcoming and honest about anything that may have an affect on my ability to do my job.
I continued to check in with her when it was necessary, and I know she appreciated my candidness. She was the first person outside of my family and Al-Anon family who I went to and said "I'm going to ask for a divorce today." as well.
My Company had an employee assistance department Any personal problem could be discussed with the Doctored on staff without fear of reprisal That being said
I traveled often and one Business trip, my 18 year old son called in crisis No family member was avail so I called my boss and asked for assistance She came thru like a trooper. She drove him to hospital and had him admitted . Then called me back with much empathy and understanding All worked well in the office from then on
He could not get past his mental picture of an alcoholic, a homelss bum type scenario....... I learned something that day.