The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You know the driving and the drinking and the crashing cars did me in.
The ex A crashed 4/5 cars. One of them was one i bought with my hard earned cash. I paid the insurance on that car after I left him.
I used to be sick all the time about this situation.
Now I see it as the total destruction of the disease. For such a long long time I believed that my love and only my love could interrupt the disease but my love didn't have much recourse against that one.
Incidentally I saw a picture of the now ex A with a truck I believe his mother bought it for him) recently. He is still very much out there drinking and driving. He's scored thousands in tickets, drove with all kinds of issues with his license but whatever else happens he always has a car. and he always has someone who will help him regardless. He is a real expert on getting help. for once I don't feel like I have to do anything about it.
This disease is so cunning baffling and powerful. Detaching can only do so much in the face of it. Its like being in the middle of the hurricane.
I used to feel absolutely responsible for the ex a's drinking/driving and crashing. Indeed I paid for so many tickets I lost count of the amount of money I spent.
I was incredilby attached to the hurricane that was in front of me. I had my home invested, my money invested, my pets invested but most of all he was my entire life. I lost absolutely everything but my pets in the end. And they are damaged so so damaged by the experience of living in that situation.
I eventually got to the point of making a plan be. I also got to the point of being able to let go of the vehicle he crashed and ran with. That was a very hard one. The drinking/driving/crashing had a very heavy symbolic meaning for me.
I felt utterly responsible when the ex A crashed into someone and ran. He lied about that of course but then wanted me to get on board when he ran the gauntlet of the courts. His lies/his actions were always justified. My over reactions weren't. That was a given.
The irony was the A's disease progressed so much he got these incredible expectations about where he could move, could work, could do things. And I was always there to run the gauntlet with him. And then I'd get mad at him and be puzzled and upset that he wasn't in reality. I certainly wasn't in reality either because no one can survive that.
For me the breaking point was our pets he harmed them directly (he'd been doing it indirectly for years). I think the breaking point was also that I stopped waiting for him to change. He didn't. I did. He still hasn't but he is still out there drinking and driving and getting ready to kill someone I am sure. I took out pets and I still have them. I had to be in a program like this to do that. I raged, raged and raged some more. I put it out there what I was dealing with.
Eventually alcoholism/ addiction does break down. The saying in AA is that people end up in institutions, sick and dead. There is a consequence in the end. The problem for me was that I didn't see the consequence of what it was doing to me and to our pets in the interim.
maresie.
-- Edited by orchidlover on Tuesday 17th of April 2012 04:05:17 PM
I think this is where the hands-off detachment ends.
...
I hope you will not take offense from my straight speaking.
...
And if the other parent knows your wife is an alcoholic? Shouldn't she know?
...
A few points and replies.
I agree - this is where the detachment has to end. In my own defense, I wasn't 100% sure if she had been drinking "that much". She was slurry but like you and others have said, the drinking becomes so normalized that you just let it go. Thats how she got the 4 felony counts of child endangerment. I let her get in the car and drive off. I had my doubts about whether or not she was 'that gone'. I need a new BOUNDARY which is any drinking and.... ? no kids in the car? no driving period? (see above about connecticut and 0.001 = DUI law)
As to your 2nd point above, Mam, I respect you for that. Coming to a forum like this and not expecting some honesty is wreckless. With my oh, so misunderstood avatar, I catch a fair amount of flak on forums. As on my profile, I am on the heritage, not hate side of that flag / have great grandparents who were POWs in Mississippi /etc. Back to the respect... Yes, I deeply respect you for speaking up. I respect and appreciate what you wrote.
Other mom knows intimate details about the last DUI. But I suspect she bought the story from Wife that I was the bad guy and blew it out of proportion.
Yes, its time that the hands off stuff stops when its a kid in the car. But... how different is that than hands off when they leave ALONE in the car?
-- Edited by GeneralLee on Tuesday 17th of April 2012 04:09:12 PM
20120417: She bought a bottle of rum yesterday. Told me that she spilt some of it to hide that she drank it. She puked at about 8:20 and went to bed at 8:30. Today, the bottle was ½ full at aobut 10:30 this morning. By 3:00 it was gone except for 1 or 2 shots in the bottom. Then she took a friends kids who were visiting home. I wonder if that woman is going to notice the booze or not. She also is hiding something in the car. I saw her either take a puff or sniff of something in the car and I DID see her roll up a piece of paper in the car too. Not sure what exactly she has in there or if i saw something innocent or not. I cant take the lies and deception. Shes going to kill someone one day. I didnt realize she had had as much as she had until she left. I did ask her to be careful because she was slurring her words before she left. She was visibly angry with me for it as she left.
Yesterday she tried to get me to drink some of the rum with her. I refused and she said that she knew that I wanted her to stop drinking but that she didnt want to. I told her that was OK but I get to choose when to go to alanon meetings. After seeing the ½ a fifth she drank and then got on the road with kids in the car today, I am going to break the news to her tomorrow that on the way to work I will be stopping at an Alanon meeting. I am going to give it a few tries before I write them off. While helpful to hear stories, I am tearing my hair out trying to figure out what to DO about all of this.
Today had a chance to tell her not to drive. I knew she had been drinking, but I was unsure of how much. For those who dont recall, she has had one 0.24 BAC DUI and 4 counts of child endangerment (all 4 of our kids in the car) in October. She got out of it with a $3500 lawyer and $2000 in fines and reeducation classes.
So... to digress... I had a chance to tell her to not to drive. And I let her leave with someone elses kids in the car.... The guilt is incredible. SHOULD I have asked her to not drive? She would never have agreed to not drive because then her friend whos kids she was watching would know there was a reason she didnt drive them home.
We found out that in connecticut, if you have ANY alcohol in your system, you are charged with DUI and yes, the judges are letting them stick. The way the law is written you are guilty of DUI with a BAC of 0.08 or higher. You can be CHARGED with DUI and convicted of it if you have a BAC of greater than 0.000.
Its such a shame to see. I told her mom about it because I honestly see Wife getting into too much trouble and/or forcing me to leave with the kids. Her why are you such an ass attitude when I turn her down for drunk sex is coming out.
Whats going to happen is she is going to force me to leave and take the kids again (ie. she will get that 2nd DUI). They will throw her under the jail for the felonies of child endangerment if she gets a 2nd DUI before January 2014. She may have gotten out of the charges thanks to having enough money to pay (amazing how money cures all things criminal, isn't it?). But there will be no lawyer for the 2nd DUI. She'll be on her own.
Once again, I vow to do anything necessary if I think she has been drinking and she tried to get in the car with our kids. I hope the mom she just brough the kids to can read between the lines. We'll know if she did read between the lines if Wife isn't watching those kids again tomorrow which was what we had expected.
If I were the parent of that kid I would have ... well, words cannot describe what I would feel if I found that my child had been riding in a car with a drunk driver. I think this is where the hands-off detachment ends. You simply have to stop this from happening -- lives are at stake. Your wife may pitch a fit -- undoubtedly she will. Which is worse, her pitching a fit or her being saddled with the guilt of having killed innocent children by her actions? I wouldn't let those kids ride with her any more than I'd let them run out to play on the interstate. I hope you will not take offense from my straight speaking. But the drinking can become so normalized to us that we lose perspective on how dangerous and insane the situations can be. And if the other parent knows your wife is an alcoholic? Shouldn't she know? Then you won't have to keep her child out of the car. Social decorum has to go out the window when it comes to protecting children's lives.
I know this is a terrible, stressful situation. Please do whatever you can to protect those who cannot protect themselves. Sending you strength.
You know I was recently in a car with a colleague was drunk and he missed a red light. I saw that as a red flag and I no longer drive with him but I have to say that for me its not for me to stop him from drinking and driving.
Unentangling from alcoholism doesn't mean I kill myself to stop them.
For myself, I've decided that if I know my recovering boyfriend got behind the wheel intoxicated, I will be calling the police and letting them know and where he is. I too had a really hard time with this concept and had to figure out how I could detach if this comes up. I am aware of one time while i knew him that he did, which is why I even put forth the thought to decide what to do next time.
I would probably myself, notify the other parent that wife is drinking again and caution her about allowing wife to drive her kids. I can at least give her the information and allow her to make an informed decision.
This thread again has helped me, I never considered how balancing detachment can get so tricky but clearly now I see how easy it is.
Again I send ya'll the warmest regards and thanks for your comments.
The other parent knows Wife is drinking again because a week ago they got drunk together and Wife drove home. Not sure if other parent will see that Wife was tipsy or not today. I suspect that she drank the last of the rum quickly today (she drank 1/2 a fifth sometime between 10:30 and 3 pm). Hindsight is always so clear. I really should have stopped her from driving over there. Tempting as it is to call the police, doing so would create a huge headache. And knowing how stupid police can be, I could see them noting my phone number somewhere and her eventually seeing who called in with a tip.
I will prevent her from driving with kids, but I am just not certain that I will stop her if she's just going solo.
As AStrongerMe posted, detachment is tricky. Today I was watching and had she tried to leave with my kids in the car I would have stopped her. And the guilt - "Oh, but you let her drive someone else's kids?" Yea, I did. in large part because that other parent sends her home drunk all the time when they get together drinking. I hope other parent saw what was going on, but considering they are still hanging out (she's been gone for hours), they are either chatting and partying or she got killed on the way there. I doubt the latter because she wasn't wasted enough to get into too bad of a wreck. But then you never know.
I bought an over the counter breathalyzer...because in our state, if I allow my kids to go with my husband when he is drunk, I can lose custody!
He can be .10 and not act or look any different...so unless he is on his second "fifth" it's never really for sure how much he has been drinking...this little $70 device helps me ensure that -- at that time when I do the exchange with my kids...he is sober.
what is hard is when they are with him..I have no control over it...other than to tell my sons not to get in the car with him if they think he has been drinking..
this part of the disease SUCKS...and makes my momma lion come out...
Even if she is driving solo, she can kill another person if not herself. Call the cops to report a drunk driver. In my humble opinion, this is a social duty.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I had a chance to tell her to not to drive. And I let her leave with someone elses kids in the car.... The guilt is incredible. ----------------------------------------------------- Hi General, We always tell you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You don't need this guilt. The very fact that you wrote so eloquently about the situation tells me that you are really suffering right now. Your wife is doing what alcoholics do. She is drinking. She is endangering others for her own selfish pleasures. She is giving you all the responsibility and then being mad at you when you take the responsibility. You can't win this battle.
Look at what it is doing to you!! You are worth so much more than that.
Take care of yourself. Don't take care of her. Don't keep her secrets. Don't help her be irresponsible. Do what You know you need to do. Do it for YOU! You know we all, every one of us on this board, send you strength and hope.
No ESH to offer, just echoing what maryjane said- take care of YOU, do what's right for YOU (and your kids!). We all on this board care for YOU. I know you are in a difficult place. But you are not alone, please keep posting and updating us on your journey.
I would call the cops to report my A drinking and driving..not because I want to get HIM in trouble..but for ME.
I could not live with myself if I knew he was DUI..and he killed someone.
Many years ago, a couple of people who own a restaurant, "helped" a very powerful local businessman to his car (he was drunk). While driving home, he crossed the center line and killed an entire family, including 2 young children.
I call the cops for me because I could not live with that on my conscience.
This is such a good topic. I know for me if I knew without question my spouse was drinking with the kids in the car I would have to call the cops. Their safety as well as that of others .. I also know I would probably be completely ostracized by his friends and family for doing so. There would be lots of collateral damage for the kids and I as well. Jail time for him, loss of job, and so on .. this is not something I would enter into lightly. If he killed the kids or someone else (I hate to say it this way if he killed himself that's on him, he may be an alcoholic however he is still responsible for his actions and consequences), it would devastate me on levels I couldn't begin to imagine and don't want to. Knowing I could have done something and looked the other way .. that's something I couldn't do.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Well, we talked about it this morning. Namely because she wanted sex again last night and well, as beautiful as Wife is, I can't have sex with her while she's drunk.
I told her that she drove yesterday with kids in the car while she was drunk, of course the reply was, "I wasn't drunk."
I told her that and of course came the "I wasn't drunk" comment. So, this morning she woke up angry about last night. I explained that if she's been drinking I don't want to have sex. She accused me of thinking I am so much better than her. I am sure ya'll have heard that particular line.
I told her I was going to go to Alanon tonight and that I had been once before. We only have one working car at the moment and she piped up with, "Oh, well you better get a cab then." Then came the threats about divorce, ending with me in tears (yea, even big bad Southron men cry) in the closet talking to her because our 6 year old know we are on the brink of divorce and she knows what a divorce is. She let me know she was mad and she's gone to pick up the friend's kids who she is watching today. I am home (I am a computer engineer and blessed to work from the house). So at this point I think she'll cool off. One of the last things he told me was, "Fine, you can go, I'll just drink to deal with it."
Its such a shame that this quiet, deadly home wrecker can be a fun event for some and an absolute devil for others. I am firm about going to Alanon though. I have to find a way to cope with never knowing when the dry spells will end. And perhaps by listening and sharing with others I can find the way to weather this storm.
I lost my own father to a drunk driver. I was 10, we were hit by an intoxicated police officer. He was in a state similar to what Teri Schiavo was for 11.5 years before pneumonia finally got him. He was 41 when he died.
The issue with her getting a 2nd DUI here is that one of the reasons we are leaving connecitcut is the brutal taunts and jeers we get for being Southerners. I used to not even give my avatar on forums a 2nd thought. Then, getting teased by everyone here, at work, in grocery stores, in Church, about being from the South turned me from a quite Southerner into someone who wears his heritage on his sleeve and who doesn't apologize for it. Not all Southerners are racists, sleep with our cousins, are stupid, go to poor schools, etc. Hollywood has done a great disservice to us. So, yes, my Southern heritage is one of the big problems we have here. And guys, I am not running around with the battle flag plastered on the rear of our minivan. Nor do I have a Southern drawl so thick that you can't understand me. I am not burning crosses in the front yard or attending Klan rallies in the area. I don't show up for business meetings in overalls with no shoes and a beard with twigs in it. They hear the accent, find out we are from the heart of Dixie (Louisiana / Mississippi) and then the jeering starts. So, my point is that we can NOT stay here because we are not welcome here.
Living out here and getting ugly comments about our big family and about sleeping with cousins about being dumber than dirt, my kids getting picked on for their accent in kindergarten and pre school, has taken its toll on my family. Staying here is a death sentence for her and honestly for my family as well. And yes, its rampant. Even Catholic clergy out here give us crap for our big family (4 kids) and try to tell my wife that our Southern ways are no good ("You need to go get a job and a $50,000 college degree instead of being a mom."). So, if she gets that 2nd DUI, she's stuck here for at least another 4-5 months, which means the kids who are enrolled in school in Dixie for next year will have to go to the ghastly public schools in the area. And she'll likely get jail time for the 4 felony counts of child endangerment too. If we were in the South and I could have her do her time there and the kids wouldn't suffer for her DUI, then yea, I would probably call the cops when she left.
Its easy for me to say that calling the cops is what I should do. But at the same time, the negative consequences for my children are a concern. The revolving door justice system is also a huge problem. I mean I can't believe she got away without a lick of jail time for her 0.24 BAC / 4 kids in the car / unable to walk DUI for $5500. Its a SHAME that lots of people who don't have $5500 to blow on a lawyer go to jail for much lesser DUI offenses. After hearing about 14/15 people in her reeducation class having BAC of less than 0.08 (and one kid - 18 - who had a BAC of 0.000 who got a DUI because his friend in the car was drunk) I have concluded that the justice system is really just a money maker out here. All that would come of another DUI is cash and a chance of some jail time.
I still don't know if Alanon is right for me, but I have made it clear that I am going to go to a few meetings to decide.
You are spending a lot of time thinking about what is fair and what is not fair. None of this is fair. None of it is right. Nothing you do is going to fix the situation and you are banging your head against a wall (figuratively). General - The reason to call the police is just because it's the right thing to do. Throw the outcomes out the window. You are not in control of outcomes anyhow. If that was the case, you would have been able to control her drinking (which of course you cannot). Try to imagine what would happen to her if you were not in the picture to help her. That is probably what her consequences need to be. Yes, that could mean getting a job too because, from everything you are describing, she would have been fired from the job she has if it were a paid job (stay at home mom).
As far as your avatar and your southern background... More power to ya. The same tolerance I always want from others is what I try and give out. It's better not to worry about what other people think or do based on parts of you that you cannot change. I used to fall back on "It's because I'm gay" that this person treated me this way or that way... Now, I think it occurs to me as the last answer rather than the first and I'm actually more likely to not realize when someone has a problem with it than I am to realize it. Just be who you are and screw what other's think in that regard.
You are doing your best to make moral choices in a difficult situation. Keep praying. Try and open your mind up a bit when you go to alanon. Nobody is going to tell you what to do except in extreme circumstances where there is danger involved. Even in this thread, you stated you wanted to know what "To DO" but when people got more directive with you, it seemed to put you a little on the defensive. Now you see why they won't tell you what to do in alanon. People come in going "What do I do!!!??" But they aren't ready for the answer they might get. The program is to support you and help you stay sane and strong while the answers come to you on a spiriual level.
I wish you much peace and am praying for your family,
First off: wow, CT is easy on DUI offenders. My AH is facing his sentencing on Friday and he blew a .17 but his BAC after the blood work was a .229, that qualifies him for a Super Extreme DUI here in AZ and, if convicted, he will do jail time(most likely 45 days as the judges aren't allowed to suspend any of the jail time because of his high BAC), have to use an ignition interlock for 18 months, go to alcohol/drug classes, and lose his license for 90 days(30 days of no driving, 60 days restricted with the interlock). Throw in the insurance costs, lawyer fees, jail fees, court fines, etc and we're looking at paying about $15K when all is said and done. Let alone taking into account what impact this may have on his job. If you want to see a twisted justice system, come to AZ. There's a book I read a few weeks ago called: "Destination Tent City" and it's about a woman who got a DUI here in AZ and about her experience with the system and the jail here. It's NOT pleasant and it's all run by Sheriff Joe Arpaio and his minions over at the jail. Not that I don't want to see my AH serve his time, but really it's extreme and I wonder if the penalties here really do anything to rehabilitate anyone. It seems like it's just punitive, I'd rather see him be forced into an in-patient rehab facility than have to serve 45 days in jail.
With that said, I regret not having called the police when I knew he was out drunk driving. I found out after the fact that he picked up my son from his sports practice while he was actively drinking(he even had it in the car and was drinking while on his way to get our son). The night he got arrested I was pacing around my backyard calling friends, wondering where he was and if I needed to step in, and debating over whether I should call the police. We live in a HUGE city(Phoenix) and I really didn't know exactly where he was so I guess I made the excuse that if I called the police, they probably wouldn't be able to find him anyway. Well, they found him; running a red light and straddling the middle white lines of traffic. When they pulled him over he just stopped in the left hand lane of the traffic flow and the cop asked him why he stopped there. His response was: Well, officer, this seems like a safe place to stop. The cop said: sir, you're impeding the flow of traffic.
I was at an Al Anon meeting last night(not my normal night) and met a woman whose AH is in jail right now for his DUI. It was nice to meet someone else who's going through the same thing(or has been through). You might like Al Anon and find someone there who you can relate to. It's worth a chance to maybe find some sanity and peace for yourself.
I totally agree with your comments about the justice system and money. I'm watching my spouse move through the system so slowly he has convinced himself there really is nothing he did that was wrong. His BAC (to which he swears they never took one .. apparently at the hospital they did, how that didn't get into record I don't know) was actually higher than your wife's and it was a DUI #2 (technically it's a DUI #3) so much more should have happened and did not. I wish they could come up with something that did not impact the rest of the family. I have a friend who for a long time felt like she was the criminal and she wasn't the one drinking, drugging or going to jail/prison. The family is the collateral damage in this cunning, baffling disease. It's so destructive and silent, the worst part is as the family you never really see it coming it just kind of happens one day. It's not an over night process either. It takes a long time to get there. I have decided that the past almost 2 years now has been a waste of time for him obtaining true sobriety. He may never take another drink again however the "treatment" sessions he's receiving .. what a joke. They aren't teaching him and he's not talking about anything that is relevant (these are his words) to work with his emotional stance. All it is pretty much is how to get out of a DUI and how to get your license back .. it's a waste of time and money. If nothing changes ... nothing changes .. I'm thinking another 7 years .. there will be another incident.
I like the saying around here that states .. what other people think of me is none of my business. People can be ignorant and just choose to act upon stereo types. We live in a small town and I didn't grow up here and even those I have one child who was born here I still feel like an outsider. I don't know who actually knows and who doesn't it has come out a little bit more only because of specific situations that have come up. Ironically one of my daughters friends went to her and told her about his dad and an alcohol related situation, he had no idea about the situation in our home. I don't know if she chose to share that with him or not. She's a good listener.
Do try 6 meetings and if you decide that meeting isn't for you .. try different meeting. I should say I encourage you to .. lol. There are a lot of good books out there .. one of the best is Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew (Toby Drew Rice?), as well as Melody Beattie, Co Dependent No More. Alanon is about us though and not about getting anyone sober and/or clean. That decision has to be arrived at by the addict. Alanon does teach me how to act in seriously unreasonable situations. It helps me decide what decisions are right for me. It has helped me see I even have choices in situations that I would have never thought I did have any options. It helps me get healthy in an insane situation. I'm not perfect and I have no plans to be, I can do the best that I can with what I've been given and it's all any of us have.
Anyway, like I said at the beginning keep coming back it does get better. Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Throw out everything else and decide this: What will YOU feel like if she kills someone and you didn't do what you could do to stop it? You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life.
What if the person she kills is one of, or all of, your children? What if she kills some little girl's daddy? What if she kills someone's mommy? These are some of the questions I hammered at my first husband the last time he came home unable to open the unlocked door. I hammered them at him in a relatively quiet tone of voice, verbally hitting him below the belt because I knew how much his child meant to him and how devasted he would be if someone's recklessness took her away. It never happened again, he still drank, but never came home that way again.
About being stereo-typed, eh, we all are in some way; People like to put other people in a box - the gay guy, the ugly kid, the fat woman, the crazy cat lady, etc. I am hefty, fluffy, full-figured, just right, fat or obese, depending on people's preference (ha) and what people think of me is none of my business - my friends, those who know me, love me, accept me exactly the way I am and I value their opinions. Opinions of those who don't know me and judge me based only on one thing mean nothing to me.
Take a cab to al-anon if you have to - you owe it to yourself and your children.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I mean a know a dog doesn't come close to a child but the ex A got to the point where he didn't feed our dogs and left them stranded on some mountain top for 4 days. I dont' think the disease of alcoholism answers to rationality and certainly not to confrontation.
I do think that on some occasions people get scott free from DUI's but I also know people who started AA because they could no longer drive. I know people who had a DUI, who had a suspended license who ended up in jail. That did put a crimp in their drinking. The court insisted they go to AA. The court set a limit. Did they stop? I don't know because I'm not that invested in anyone's recovery anymore.
I do know plenty of people who got DUIs and I think any amount equalling thousands is a big bump in the road for people. Certainly I know people who lost their licenses and are really in a bind because getting it back is a huge hurdle. Do I feel for them? Not much.
For me personally the obsessing, the remonstrating, the raging around an acoholic's driving were totally unnerving. The sick worry, the fear they were going to kill someone was unbearable. I felt relieved on some level when the exA had no car to drive. But believe me he always found a way to get a car and drive. He doesn't have a conscience about it. Suspended license, fines, totalled cars, none of it is his fault.
I know I had a tremendous amount invested in the ex A. Cars, homes, pets (who he almost destroyed), money, furniture, the works. I also had no investment in myself. These days I have limits. Being around someone who is reckless, mean and nasty is a limit I won't go to anymore. I do have to entertain some nasty horrible people at work but I don't have to live with them.
Personally I can't call the police on every drunken driver. When I'm on my way home from work in the early hours every Sunday morning there are sobriety points everywhere. I think the police are well aware people drink and drive all the time. Its not for me to set up my own sobriety point to get them.
Hi, I wouldn't call the police on any drunken driver unless he/she was driving right next to me and I needed to protect myself. I don't think the police really respond to every drunk driver call they get because by the time they get there, the driver is gone. They know that people drink and drive and that is why there are check points.
As far as stereotyping, you can't do anything about that except protect yourself if it bothers you. If you work from home anyway, you can live anywhere. Move west into mid-state New York. Move to North Dakota. Move to Alaska.... or back to Louisiana. That doesn't change the fact that she is drinking and driving your kids and your friends' kids around. The one thing you CAN do something about is moving away from a bad environment. The one thing you CAN'T do anything about is if your wife wants to drink or not. She is going to drink because she IS an alcoholic.
Get to an AlAnon meeting and meet people who are in the same boat as you are.
Not going to type out my story again. (You can read my profile) But I have the same problem with my AW. I cant do anything and wont do anything if she drinks at home. There is nothing I can say or do to change or stop it. One of the many things I have learned from Alanon. What scares me the most is her driving drunk with my girls. It happened a few times last summer and I am scared already for this summer. The girls are in school during the day keeping them safe and I am home at night to protect them. My worst fear is what you mentioned. Killing my girls and/or innocent people. I keep thinking of the Diane Schuler and Hance children in New York in 2009. My wife was so much like her. Long story short, after a year and a half of being miserable, I finally gave her an ultimatum. I know that is dangerous but I've developed and learned through Alanon that I am ready to back up my demands. She has to leave if it happens again. I am already prepared to follow up and feel so much better for finally expressing my feelings after always taking a back seat to her illness. I want her to get better but not at the cost of innocent's lives. What I say here is not something you have to do but I think you have an obligation to protect your children as well as others. If it means taking the keys away or pulling a spark plug or battery wire, do it. If that doesnt work, call the other parent. And dont be afraid to call the police. Just dont bail them out if they are arrested or pay their legal bills. Its their mess, they can clean it up. You will never forgive yourself if the worse happens. Lastly, my ancestors also fought for the south during the civil war. Although I dont agree with everything the south stood for, I have to pay hommage for what they thought was right. There is nothing wrong with the concept of heritage. Good luck to you. Alanon works. Feel free to message me if you need any advice or how I handled my situations. Just know there are others out there that are fighting the same fight you are.
It sounds like you are spending a lot of time worrying about what people think of you in your community at the catholic Church and at the school, 4 kids is not a huge family in my eyes and it is none of anyone's business how much you make or if your wife decides to be a stay at home Mom. It is also not any of your business what people think of you or your heritage. I really hope you can get to some regular Al-anon face to face meetings and work on your recovery program. My sponsor and I joke about getting out of our heads because crazy people live in there. The stinkin thinkin can keep you immobile and in a bad attitude towards things. I really hope for your children and you that you can dettach from your A a bit and dive into taking care of you and them. Your A is a grown up and her recovery is up to her. I am all about the safety of the innocents who may be in any A's care and I hear it in your post you are already aware and keeping an eye on it. Glad you can work from home and be around your family more. Sending you lots of love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I hope you've made it over to a meeting. There's breathing room and serenity in those rooms.
I can tell you I'd be a millionaire if I had a dollar for every time my exAH threatened to "leave" when I put my foot down and set a boundary. The denial of alcoholism is a knee-jerk automated response ("I wasn't drunk.") I swear I bet they spit the words out before even they think about it and then feel trapped by those words the moment they realized they uttered them and then feel they have to maintain the farce to the bitter end, else they look stupid, God forbid.
I was right there along with you with the conundrum of knowing my exAH was out driving around drunk. I did say something to him one night after he came home, clearly smashed, with his daughter in tow. I said nothing to him about it that night, but the next morning when I could tell he was out of his alcoholic haze, I told him very calmly "You know you drove J home drunk last night. Just thought you should know." He had the dignity to look utterly devastated with himself (he loves is daughter very much).
I knew that the disease of alcoholism wouldn't just disappear that day, however, and I made sure to have a talk with his daughter the next day in private and let her know her dad was drunk when he drove her home and that she should never get in the car with him again if he seemed at all "off". I told her to call me or get a friend to take her home instead, but I also warned her that her dad would indeed pitch a fit if she told him she wasn't going to get in the car with him, but that it was a matter of life and death if she got in there with him. She's a teenager at this point in time, so I could have this frank discussion with her.
I'm sure it's different with a young child. One can't realistically expect them to defy the adult in their life because that adult is supposed to be their trustworthy guardian.
I can say I do feel guilty that I never called the police if I knew my exAH was out driving drunk. The issue I had with him is he'd do it by hitting any number of random bars first (I never knew for certain which) and then he'd come home drunk from there. It wasn't ever his drinking at home and then heading out after. It's hard to call the police and say "Yeah, watch out for x car... it could be within this 15-mile radius, but the driver's likely drunk."
To address your southern heritage... one phrase I love to repeat on share on here: "What you think of me is none of my business." I cannot say enough how freeing that is for me to remember that. It really is NOT my concern what other people think about me.
I watched that concern of other people's opinions consume my exAH. He was so tied up in outward appearances that he almost killed himself when he thought his truth would be spilled.
It almost consumed me, too. But thanks to the rooms of Al-Anon, I don't waste energy much any more worrying about what others are thinking of me. People are going to think what they think. I can't control that. All I can do is be the best person I can be for myself. I have to live in my own skin, after all. Its my opinion of myself that matters. And even that has needed a lot of work.
I hope I don't offend you.