The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've heard the "pendulum" theory - you swing one way for years with no boundaries, then you swing the other way for awhile with "hyper boundaries" then you find the middle.
I don't know about others but for me, it never quite lands in the middle. I think that's because I'm always getting new opportunities to learn new boundaries. I'm also a schedule/rule person. Only because left to my own devices - I wander willy-nilly through everything in life. I guess you could say I need a list for everything, including boundaries.
I'm at the place in my boundaries where I'm still a little far to the other side of none. I'm also not very good with mixing my boundaries with my tact. I'm kind of brash. People who know and love me, find it somewhat amusing and that's nice but I know I need to work on it.
Considering that I was always that kid who trusted everyone, was gullible and easily led astray, even now I am still learning to be cautious. I had to learn the hard way that boundaries allowed me to remove the doormat from my head.
Setting boundaries has been very liberating for me because I'm no longer responsible for everyone else. And I'm nicer now even than I was before. I'm also learning more quickly to distance myself from people who want to suck me in, much faster. What I'm still wanting to do is learn how to not necessarily have to have physical distance - but to detach quickly. So that's part of my process now. Baby steps.
And when I get a good grasp of one boundary, say something with my kids, I find in time it gets easier for me to stick to it without being so blunt. Or with say my ex, not needing to necessarily shut down communication (that was an early requirement for sanity) but to instead just back away and respond more politely with the boundary.
Best part is I'm ok with my process. yesterday I set up a reactionary boundary with a neighbor.... it was awkward, necessary and received with kind of this "woah" moment - normally I'd have walked away and chastized myself for not handling it better. This time I walked away and said "wow - you set a boundary on the fly, once upon a time you'd have just allowed the person to walk all over you". I have a good memory, the next similar "on the fly" opportunity will probably go more smoothly for me LOL.
And much thanks to my 3 boys for providing me UNLIMITED opportunities to learn setting new boundaries and working through it. I'm sure they never dreamed they'd be such a help to me LOL.
LOL, yes our kids do give us a good testing ground. Thank you for sharing.
I am struggling with setting boundaries without feeling like I need physical distance, too. It's like I feel the need to leave the room so I can think because that person's presence is a distraction to my thinking! I needed the reminder today that I'm not responsible for everyone else, super important this week for me!
Considering that I was always that kid who trusted everyone, was gullible and easily led astray, even now I am still learning to be cautious. I had to learn the hard way that boundaries allowed me to remove the doormat from my head. -------------------------------------------- That was me too!!! I was so gullible. I trusted everyone at face value. I could never tell a lie, either, not did I ever find the need to tell a lie. The truth and trust was all I needed.
Boundaries were very important for me to learn. I didn't think I needed them. I never needed them in my "normie" family while I was growing up. When I met my hubby's family and their family dynamics, I learned why I needed to protect me and mine. I had to identify the behavior that I had to protect myself from. It was sometimes very sneaky. I didn't realize until 10 minutes later that I was really disrespected. And then I only had my anger. Sometimes I just had to avoid certain people to keep myself safe. With practice I have gotten much better at recognizing the desrespect and taking myself and my kids away from the offender.
The other kind of boundary was to not get involved in other people's drama. When I mastered that one I felt really LAZY and I had to get used to that feeling. It now feels good. I can go read a book instead of fixing their problem. I can respect them enough to let them handle it..... even when they ask me to get involved.... even when they get mad when I won't get involved.
I think a lot of my growth happened when I wrapped myself around the word "respect". Both respect for me and for everyone else.
(((ASM))) Setting boundaries was a hard lesson for me to learn. But once I did learn, there was such an incredible feeling of freedom! I couldn't prevent certain things and behaviors from happening, but I could prevent their negative effects on me. Wow! It was very empowering. You sound like you're doing great with the boundaries thing. And in other ways as well. I'm so glad that your boys have been such a help to you in so many ways. Keep on keepin' on...
I think setting boundaries and people pleasing go hand in hand for me. People pleasing means the boundaries go out the window. Boundaries also go along with expectations. What are mine. I have to constantly review them.
I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself. Progress not perfection.
