The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks for the update I too lost myself when alcohol entered the marriage I would like to urge you to continue posting here and attending alanon meetings.
Alanon taught me how to break the isolation, learn how to reclaim my true self while being focused on my own recovery and trusting a Higher Power. It did not matter if my hubby stopped drinking alanon works if the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Keep posting here and joining our little Miracle in Progress group
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 16th of April 2012 10:23:16 PM
Hi. I went to my first F2F last week and plan to go again tomorrow.
It has been 2 weeks since AH last drinking episode and I feel like I am trying to believe him but deep inside don't believe that he has stopped drinking, maybe for now, but not for good. I do believe he hasn't drank in the 2 weeks but since he is in denial about his drinking being a problem, I feel in my heart that he will drink again. I am reading the book Getting Them Sober and am learning from that how my behavior needs to be readjusted. Still, it seems like I am almost living a fantasy right now and soon enough I will wake up to the reality. It seems like I am just waiting for things to go wrong again and it is so hard to not get mad when he says things like: if he has an alcohol problem for drinking at 10:30am then it must mean my sister has an alcohol problem for having a mimosa at a brunch for Easter at 11am. It seems like he really believes the things he says and I feel like I don't even know this person, who usually is intellegent, wise and has good reasoning skills.
Sometimes I think maybe I am overreacting to the things that have happened b/c I feel like AH has tried hard to convince me that I am the crazy one. Turst me, I have felt that way sometimes over the past few years! It's hard to remember the me who was around b/f alcohol joined our marriage.
I guess I better go read some more posts and get back to my book, I have a LOT to learn!
I have said or written most of your share about my marriage too. I am so glad to hear you went to a face to face meeting and are reading "Getting Them Sober"! Keep taking care of you and know you are not crazy that is the disease at work and how it makes us feel. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Aloha Dogmom and welcome to the MIP family. Good for you that you got yourself to a face to face meeting. It took God and some special magic that God had to get me into my program and keep me in my seat.
Just a ESH share from the Pacific...he cannot convince you that you are crazy without your participation. It's okay to stop participating. That he can dig up a mimosa that your sister had on Easter right at the bewitching hour to justify his drinking is classical alcoholism. So bright and witty and full of fear. Of course the drinking rules must be waved or at least adjusted to meet the need; before 11AM there is a problem after 11AM is perfectly okay. How long did I live my life with these moronic boundaries I forget. In my family we made sure to get to early mass on Sunday just to make sure we didn't GO OVER the 11 o'clock rule. It looks and sounds comical to a rational person but to alcoholics it becomes religious practice. Please keep coming back so that we can support you as you transition from fantasy to reality. Al-Anon will help you deal with both.
Thank you for the support. It was a big step to go to the F2F meeting, my mother-in-law had been urging me to go for a while but I guess I was in denial that there was a problem since there were always good times in between the bad. She went over a decade ago when my AH was really into the drinking then. She told me she had to go for over a year b/f he ever asked for help, I'm hoping the things here and the meetings will cause positive changes in me that will influence him. What a help to read and hear that others have experienced the exact situations I have.
I am in a similar situation and have heard the same things from my AH, just in a different way. He used to stay up all night long drinking after I went to bed. He tried to convince me that ALL middle aged guys in their 40's who are stressed out about life do the same exact thing. He was convinced that they all felt the same way and had the same patterns of behavior. Our 13 year old son had a friend sleeping over and I woke up at 5:45 in the AM, found my AH drunk still actively drinking with 2 young teen boys in the other room. Yeah, that's right, all 45 year old dads stay up drinking all night long, geez.
My AH quit drinking back in February but only because he got a DUI and it was so extreme that he is looking at serious jail time, ignition interlock device for 16 months, and license suspension. So, now that he's quit the alcohol without working any type of program like AA or rehab, he still has his alcoholic behaviors. Lying, manipulative in conversations, anxious, etc. He goes for his sentencing on Friday and his dad is very ill(across the country from us) and he seems to think that he would be able to make it back if his dad passes soon. UGH. We'll see.
You are not alone. Going to meetings saved my sanity and I hope you continue to go. You are NOT the crazy one. Most alcoholics are master manipulators and their lies are so convincing. Yet, the truth will always come out in the end. You know what you know. Keep coming back and getting support here, so many of us have been where you are and are in different places with our A's but we all have one thing in common: we all live with or have lived with active alcoholism/alcohol abuse and our lives had become unmanageable. Remember the 3 C's: you did not Cause it, you Cannot cure it, and you cannot Control it! Sending you lots of support!
I don't consider myself dumb, though I am actually smarter now for admitting that there's lots I don't know.
There was a time I was convinced that drinking on the way home from work was not driving while drunk because it was only "driving while drinking" and that was not as bad. Ummm? That's worse right? The list of insanity could go on forever.
Until someone really plunges into a 12 step program and does an honest self-inventory, that sick reasoning will continue to persist. Those parts of the disease of alcoholism are fought with daily surrender, honesty, humility...etc. Unfortunately, the instinct for many an alcoholic is to reason their way through the behavior. That never works and leads to insanity because the same mind that is trying to justify and explain the behavior is also the one that got hooked on the booze in the first place.
I am only sharing this so you can be more informed about recovery for the alcoholic but also so you can detach a little bit when the insanity is right in your face.
Welcome. Everything you describe is very typical behavior for A's who haven't really faced up to their problem yet. As much as he tries to convince you, I do hope you know it is not you with the problem. My AH blamed everyone and everything for his drinking until he went insane from him. Only then did he seek out real help. I am glad you found Alanon and Getting Them Sober is great - it saved me during a period of awful crises. Wishing you the best and keep coming back.
Thank you. I am so blessed to have found this board, it's great to be able to check in whenever I want. I often find something to read that helps me at any given moment. I'm getting ready for my second meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to getting stronger. I go back and forth between thinking he has a problem to doubting myself and it is reassuring that I am doing the right thing for MYSELF by going to the meetings and coming here.
I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For 29 years of our marriage it never failed me. It always got worse. My hubby, after he got into AA, asked me why I was always waiting for the next disaster.... well, it always came. But that also was the start of a new attitude that I tried to get. I used to be a positive, glass half full person. After living with alcoholism I became a glass half empty person. I didn't like that in me. I wanted to wake up singing with the birds in the morning.... not grumpy. I really was depressed and didn't even know it.
Get to meetings and get awareness of how you used to be and how you are now. And why. And then you can change things about yourself that will make you happy again. You can't change him, so you may as well get happy yourself and let him be.
I too have lived in the land of eternal waiting...waiting for him to stop drinking...waiting for the next drunk...waiting to be happy...waiting for God to make everything perfect. We can't base our happiness according to someone else's actions. We must decide that we will do what makes us happy and fulfilled. The only actions we can control are our own. Relapse is said to be part of recovery, and from my experience most do relapse at some time. But that is their choice and we are powerless to it. Focus on yourself and your Higher Power will take care of the rest!
