I grew up totally glued to my family.  Unsticking myself from them took me decades, moving thousands of miles away.  Guess what once I moved from my family since that's all I knew that's all I did.  I dated co workers in intrigue, dated next door neighbors (the ex was actually a roommate at one point) dated friends of friends (all of course initially in secret because that was more thrilling.  Not that dating any of these people was necessarily wrong it was just boundaryless, intriguing and of course absolutely lethal for me because I was always invested totally from the get go.

Where I work in retail there is a whole subset of dating, intrigue, drama and gossip.  That's what the place runs on.  Not being pulled into that tidal wave means setting myself apart and in some ways being pretty remote.  It also means being aware of how far favoritism goes which in the case of this store is about all its run on.  And of course it means not being excactly popular because I'm really not that intrigued at all.  In fact I'm not even interested that much in anything but getting a certain amount of hours work.  I've also come to see that customer service in retail terms isn't about pleasing the customer much but about the bottom line.  That's all that counts the bottom line of the profit.

I married a man I once worked with (after six months dating (we moved in day one) after all I was in love with the idea of getting married).  We loved and joked all the time about our secret dating period which we pulled off with such pride (of course I had no idea then dating was about getting to know someone).  I think now that was based entirely on denial, fantasy and or course some distorted idea of love.  I watch the couple who I work with get so excited about all the inuendo, secrecy and intrigue involved in their relationship and of course there is no way to show them a red flag. I saw red flags all the time when I dated alcoholics I waved right back at them!  I know so much of my dating alcoholics and addicts was all about that the secrecy, the drama, the promises and most of all the allure of something forbidden.  And of course it was for me all about having so little self esteem I had no idea how to take care of myself on any level.

This week another co worker leaves to go start a new life with her alcoholic husband.  I once was going to start an impossible adventure with the ex A after we'd been evicted, were penniless and needed some incredible fantasy to bond us.  I must say it was a great dream.  It was all vauge, innuendo but most of all it was based on his promise...the promise he could never keep.   And of course his absolute demand that I support him unconditionally no matter what the cost was to me (personally it was in the thousands but mentally it was total fall out and such a fatigue I thought I would never get up).

I think I never really saw all the things that bonded me to the alcoholic/addict, the intrigue, the drama, the promises (the ex could paint a wonderful picture of fidelity, domestic bliss and more...oh he could spin so so well), the secrecy, the need and the intensity.  I was as hooked on the intrigue, denial, fantasy. lies, deceit and then when it didn't emerge I felt betrayed.  Now I'm wondering what I was betrayed by the fantasy or my own inability to accept reality. 

Of course since I'm no longer codependent (well as codependent)  I'm not trying to stop anyone from doing anything or commenting on it at all.  Because what anyone else does is absolutely none of my business!). What I am doing is of course seeing myself and seeing how absolutely bonded I was to such toxic ideas/patterns of behavior and more.  While I watch my co worker leave for the impossible adventure I know I could for sure have gone over the cliff with the ex A one more time and never survived the freefall.  I went up the cliff of course but I was in al anon and I didn't go over it because I had program people pulling me back to reality.

I know I'm no longer enmeshed but I also know I'm not too sure what healthy is except I have a good idea now who isn't and I run like the hills when I see them!  Sometimes that idea alone can bring a smile to my face.

Maresie.