The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm humbled by how powerful this disease is. Despite attending AA meetings 3 times per week for over 2 years, despite a 30 day stint in an outpatient rehab, despite daily interactions with her sponsor and program people, despite spending this past weekend at a spiritual retreat with other female alcoholics, my wife continues to drink. I found a bottle of vodka tonight just hours after she got home from her retreat.
But how am I doing? Well, all things considered, not so bad, although at times I feel like I'm on the brink of a breakdown. Truth be told, I haven't been to a meeting in weeks. I have plenty of excuses as to why but the meetings are there, I just need to get to them.
I talked calmly and rationally to my wife tonight. I felt and expressed compassion and anger didn't really come out. I am thinking a lot about something Tom posted about "soft landings" and trying to keep that top of mind. My wife pleaded with me tonight not to leave her and I didn't make any promises, even though I knew if I assured her I wasn't going anywhere it would help her to feel better.
It just goes on and on. She may not ever be able to beat this.
I know I'm not really supposed to do this but here goes. I have been a member of Al-anon for 17 years. I was a member of AA prior to my coming into Al-Anon but I have only been sober 14 years or so. I had a difficult time with alcohol. It took 4 years from the time I decided I had to stop until I actually did stop. By that time, everyone who had been in my life was no longer in my life. Some of them have returned, but not very many. My sponsor said I was a chronic slipper and there were many times he was going to give up on me, but he never did. There were times when I contemplated ending it all, but I never did.
I wish I could tell you what was different on the day I stopped. Then you could just tell her, see honey just do this and it will all go away. I guess when I looked around and realized that everyone I ever loved was gone, I knew that I had to stop. I had to go back to AA and try again and keep trying until I got it. I do a lot of posting, here and in the other room. I tell a lot of funny stories about how my alcoholism almost killed me, but rest assured I take this matter very seriously.
I feel for both of you. For her because I know how it feels to want to stop but to be powerless over it, to watch everyone and everything slipping away. And I know how it feels to watch a loved one drink and to see them slip further and further into oblivion. I know how it feels to want to help them, to want to cure them, how crazy that made me and how I eventually had to do either what all of my loved ones did or I had to come back here, to Al-Anon and do what they do here. I'm sure you heard it a hundred times but it is possible to find happiness whether they are drinking or not. My A's are not my spouse so the problem I face is not the same as the one you face, but the solution is the same.
My apologies to the board for once again breaking my anonymity but I only do it when I think it will help. And I will always safeguard yours.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
Sending lots of love and support, .. it's not an easy journey to walk on either side. Hugs P
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
((((Usedtobe))))...okay you mentioned it so you know...Self focus and put as much attention on what it is that you're not doing as what she is and isn't doing. You're on the brink of a breakdown?...From my experience I usually can pin that one on not "trusting God". If I'm breaking down I need Higher Power. Steps 1,2,3 are a daily habit right from when my eyes open. If I don't do it as I was taught my focus will be owned by what I need to detach from. We have a couple and maybe several alcoholics and addicts who have done it the way your spouse is doing it. We love them anyway, tell them to keep coming back and turn them over to our respective HPs' We always try to do recovery as suggested.
You've gotten great responses already. However, I wanted to throw in mine to give you more support & hope.
When my husband got his first DUI in 2007, he tried AA. Ditto for the 2nd DUI. He tried rehab three times within in 3-year-period. The third one was about 11 months ago and he continues to work his AA program and is sober.
So, as you already know, it can be hit and miss when they first begin their attempts at recovery.
Also, you can be certain that the person you fell in love with and married is still there under all the layers of "stuff."
Moreover, when I really turned him over to HP and began focusing on taking care of me, he began to turn his life around. He says that the changes in me inspired him and still does. But I don't kid myself, I didn't set him on the road to recovery. But my new outlook and attitude do help him.
Make it a good day regardless what she does.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Addiction is a progressive disease, unless your wife hits her "rock bottom", she will not be able to stop. You need to focus on you and get yourself to alanon meetings. Don't try to find any evidence of whether she is drinking or not. And if you just happen to do so without intending to, remember that you are powerless over what another person does. If you happen to find a bottle, just roll with it. Try not to worry or feel depressed or become angry. You don't even have to talk about it with her, after all, regardless of what you say, and what she says, the reality of her addiction is still there and will still be there. Like I said, do your best to focus on you and let her focus on her. Sometimes our paranoia and the negative ways we react to our addicts only intensifies their disease. It's important to let her live her own life and focus on her own recovery as best as she can. You can't do that job for her. Love your wife for the person she is, minus her addiction. And whether you decide to stay or leave is up to you, but do not fault her nor yourself for the situation, regardless of what it becomes. People all do the best they can. She is doing her best, just like you are.
And again, go to meetings. It's the best thing you can do for yourself.
My wife pleaded with me tonight not to leave her and I didn't make any promises, even though I knew if I assured her I wasn't going anywhere it would help her to feel better. ----------------------------------------------------
This is what stuck out to me in your posting. And I thought, "oh yeah. I know that feeling." I know what he wants me to say that would make things so much better for him, but I'm not going to say it because it is not in MY best interest and I simply don't feel like making things easy for him. Maybe by not saying it will help her find her rock bottom. I feel that reasuring them is like putting pillows under their fall. Anyway, they watch our actions and not our words. Your actions already say you are not leaving.
You have to take care of YOU. Put the focus on YOU. Make it a good day.
Man I hate to read this...my personal situation is similar and there have been many relapses. My A is going on 9 months since her last relapse and I know only too well how you feel. Do what you need to do to care of you and your kiddos. I am praying for you since there aren't any easy answers. Just know you have support with Alanon.
Usedtobe - I have not beaten my alcoholism yet either. I just have longer in between drinks than your wife. When I was really ready to stop, I went to AA seven days a week for about 2 years. It's her program though and this is about you. Not sure how many meetings are available in your area. Perhaps you can get to one today. Do you have a sponsor to call?
I can tell you that all the AA your wife is going to is definitely spoiling her drinking slowly over time. I guarantee it's not fun for her anymore. There is a saying "Nothing worse than a head full of AA and a belly ful of alcohol." Despite however much she may be drinking still, she is still attending AA and learning something....
-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 17th of April 2012 08:19:47 AM
I'm sorry you're going through this. Last year at this time I didn't know what I was heading for. AH was going to AA meetings, Intensive Outpatient Therapy, knew and admitted that he was an alcoholic, and would sometimes go 7 weeks in between drinks. I never thought at that time I would have the guts to separate. But the drinking and mental breakdown accompanying it continued and he pretty much lost everything important to him. When I saw him last summer after the binge that drove him off the edge, I thought that was it - he's lost forever to me. Things are far from ideal now but I will say that the best thing I could do for myself, our child and him was detach. For me, that meant a separation. I will also say that he is nearly 8 months sober now and for the first time is taking his sobriety seriously and working hard at it. In his words, he had to come to sobriety from another angle. I'm not saying separation is the answer, but detaching in whatever way possible is lifesaving for one's sanity. I don't know if I will get back with my AH permanently, but I do see a lot of his old self now. I don't know if he would have gotten to where he is now otherwise. I do know that I wouldn't be sane at all if I didn't detach. Wishing you the best.
I can definitely relate to the issue of not being able to stop. The ex A eventually left one of our dogs tied to a tree for 3 days because he couldn't stop.
For me it wasn't about myself that led me to eventually cut all ties to him. Ironcially it was about the dogs. I could not let them be affected by his alcoholism/addiction anymore.
I know for me it was a long long process of letting go. I raged, wept, raged, pleaded, cried, remonstrated. I did it all. I prayed and prayed and most of all I obsessed.
Eventually I stopped obsessing and starting working on me. I stopped listening to the pleads. In fact his pleads and his promises got more progressive. By the time I was left he promised to marry me among other things. Somehow a wedding proposal when someone is down and out isn't the same as something that is on a even plane. By then I had got out of the way of the chaos and confusion.
