The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well it happened again, my AS broke the boundries but this time i was strong enough to tell him not to come home. Did pretty good all week with the calls asking for money because he was hungry and had not eaten, (he does not have a job) the last call pulled hard on my heart I didn't give in but it seems like it is getting harder to say no than when I kicked him out. I guess because I know what is coming to him, it is a matter of time. With broken boundries came the police being called on him and he has felony charges to face. Breaking my heart and getting my thinking all screwed up. I did meet him this morning and did give him some food and then dropped him off in a parking lot, he was asking for money because he has no place to go, he slept in an apartment complex's laundry room last night. I did not give in an give him money. I know tomorrow he will show up at my work asking AGAIN. I need to stay strong!!
Hi Debbie.... I can't possibly know how what is the 'right' thing to do for you right now, but thought I would pass along this post, as encouragement to you today....
I wish you well, and hope & pray your AS fines his sobriety soon
Tom
Our program gently guides us to allow our A's to reap the consequences of their behaviors, and that we cannot continue to offer 'soft landings' for them all the time....
I had a friend from my childhood, who became a drug addict.... he was on the street for several years, and had lied & disappointed his parents many times over.... One night, when he was around 20 years old - he called home.... he was penniless & destitute - he was still very active in his disease, but he had nowhere to sleep that night, and didn't know where else to turn..... He called his Dad, and begged him to allow him to come home.... His Dad said "no son, that is not an option. I love you, but you cannot come home", and he hung up the phone.
My friend was extremely upset at his father.... couldn't believe how callous and cold he had been.... used this anger to stay in his disease a few more weeks..... blamed his Dad for a lot of what he was doing to himself......
Fast forward about 30 years..... This friend is utterly and completely sober, for over 29 years now..... he has a wonderful wife, family, and career. His relationship with both his parents is outstanding. He shared this with his Dad a couple of years ago:
"Dad, I honestly believe that if you had allowed me to come home that night, I would be dead now. You helped me find my bottom, and I am forever grateful to you for that. That night helped me find my sobriety."
There are obviously no easy or black & white answers for any of us dealing with loved ones, who are suffering in their addiction. I share this story for some perspective here - when we make these tough decisions, we are highly unlikely to get kudos and appreciation from the addict (at the time).
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Saying the serenity prayer slowly and concentrating on each word has been a tool that has calmed me in worrisome times. Alanon also helps us to learn the difference between enabling versus loving support. You made some boundaries and are honoring them and taking care of yourself yet you're not without compassion for him. All we can do is take things one day at a time. I hope you'll get some good rest tonight. When tomorrow comes, just like today; you'll do what feels right for you. You are both in my prayers. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
