Hurtful sponsor experience - Al-Anon Family Group

Tigger · Senior Member

Hurtful sponsor experience

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry this happened. Try to remember this one person is not the program and is human with obviously her own messed upness. I hope you can take the good from this experience and take it into the next season of your recovery. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

Wolfie55 · Senior Member

sending you a little support and lots of love. don't lose faith in what you're doing.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

If you give it some time, you'll find someone who is right for you. Don't give up. TT

nola · Member

I once had a THERAPIST do the same thing to me. At least u were not paying your sponsor by the hour.LOL. This chick was so sick that once she threw a book at me and told me to read the book out load ..and I did... How sick is that. U will be fine. So many hidden treasures were revealed to me about myself. YES THE BETRAYAL DOES HURT but I thought maybe my HP was just teaching me how to "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" and to leave justice in HIS HANDS NOT MINE.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Tigger)))))...yes that just isn't a good feeling and I use to get hurt like that hard myself yet I was so very grateful that I had the tools to get by it, over it, under it and around it. There is no one in this program that is perfect and all of us at one time or another will really push the plunger and blow up a bridge at time or two. One of the things (only one) that a former sponsor(s) taught me in times like this was to get right into forgiveness of the other person and praying to my HP that my HP give them everything that HP would give another person which was loved deeply by HP. My first reaction was "You're crazy!! I can't do that" and the next response I got was "It's not that you can't it's that you won't" which was true. The second response I got was "there must be something about suffering you love". Some lessons I just hate...before I practice them. Remember where your sponsor came from and where you met her...She came looking for help.

Keep coming back...((((hugs)))) smile

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I would be hurt too. My sponsor means a lot to me, yet she always warned me never to put her on a pedestal, that she was only human.

Your post reminds me of how she once had to let a sponsee go. I don't think she did it like your sponsor did however, blaming the gal for anything. As I understand the story, she OWNED her feelings regarding the relationship.... this womans beauty triggered insecurities in her own marriage. This woman was coming to her home (as all of her sponsees did) and she was building a relationship with her husband, sometimes phoning just to talk to HIM. The initial boundary she set didn't work. And although she knew the woman was new and just didn't know any better yet.... she could not be at peace with it, her insecurities were too threatened. It was her character defect, it was all about her, not the woman.... and she owned that.

From what I'm reading, your sponsor cannot own her defect. It's not about you, sweetie.

Yet.... if this was happening to me, I know which one of MY defects would be triggered, my defect of feeling criticized and BELIEIVING it and then compounding it with my OWN self hatred.... that's what I do when I'm criticzed, fancied or real, I lose perspective and cannot stop my own self-destructive thinking. I grew up in an alcoholic home too, so whenever there's a problem, it was always my fault.

You can look at what she said and determine if there is a shred of truth to it. If there is, make amends and move on in peace. If there isn't.... let it slide, like water off your back. And pray for her.

God never closed a door in my life without making room for something new. You are not abandoned, my friend. Your prayer could be, "thank you God, I trust you"..........

I was recently told that as an adult, I cannot be abandoned anymore. However, I can abandon MYSELF. I can abandon Higher power. Then I'm really lost, that's when life gets really hard again. I gotta get back on the horse every day, love myself enough to keep working this program of recovery, just keep showing up. Today I know, all of my experiences have value. All of it. (((hugs)))

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 16th of April 2012 09:07:07 AM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

The program works , sometimes the people in it dont work it keep going find other meetings and keep the focus on your needs . As a long time member it has come to my attention that alot of Al-Anon members in my area react to adult children sharring I believe it is because when you share your reminding us that you could be our child and its painful especially if guilt is still involved in how we behaved towards our children . I have had the priveldge of sponsoring Alateen for yrs and when those kids shared what was going on in thier lives I was able to see that had happened in our home as well and perhaps this was how it affected my sons . am so grateful for the teens they gave me an oportunity to understand my own children . Keep going back and take care of you . don't let anyone interfere with your right to recover .. Just my opinion Louise

Tigger · Senior Member

Thank you (((all))) for your feedback and kind and practical words. Yes, I have been realising a few things. I've been trying to come from as much integrity as i can. First getting the idea that a sponsor is human and has issues and defects. And to look where the triggers are for me....being criticised, feeling abandoned, broken trust, boundaries. And it's helping me see how I have treated others unkindly in the past because of my fears and issues and how I moist have hurt and shamed them. Because I was having the words i want to say to her going round and round in my head disturbing my serenity, I started to write it in an email. First it was venting and vengeful inventory taking....I wanted her to know how it feels; then I became able to gradually edit it layer by layer, with more detachment and recovery each time I pared something down or cut something out or added something from a genuine place. It's healing without having to direct it at her, but hopefully leaving a communication that gives me a voice and rights to say no that is not acceptable without compromising my self respect. I also said my own amends in there. It is hard to just let go and forgive and I realised this has to go through those 7 stages of grieving first and I have to go through to the other side and trust my HP has sent the lessons I need to get stronger. I hope my faith in my choice of people I attract will be restored though as I am shocked I've attracted this type of person again.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Tigger

What a profound resolution of the issue!!! What recovery!!! Writing out your response, coming from your inner truth and having a voice without disrespecting others is a true gift of recovery

Thank you-Thank You Thank you for sharing

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Tigger, I read some awesome recovery work in your last post. I would be cautious not to lump everyone that hurts you into the sociopath category though. You didn't attract an "evil" person again. Probably she is not evil but just has plenty of her own issues. I have had to do lots of work in realizing that it's not about me (and I still do). You are not necessarily finding out that people are untrustworthy or rotten as much as that they are human and struggling. To whatever degree their issues affect you - That is something you have some control over.

It sure would be nice if all relationships ended with happy smiley faces - but they don't. That doesn't make either party a bad person but it does reflect that we are just flawed people trying to help each other and sometimes succeeding and sometimes not.

I have been told that relationships are "for a reason, a season, or a lifetime" and that I don't get to decide which of those 3 things it's going to be. My HP does. I hope you find a wonderful new sponsor soon.

Tigger · Senior Member

This thread has been a real source of wisdom and perspective for me. I have always felt that authority figures like therapists and sponsors should be like perfect parents to make up for the abandonment I received growing up. It has been a big learning curve accepting others can be flawed and impervious to my vulnerabilities and trust needs. It brings that old pain straight back. I do feel very let down, and need to acknowledge that I have been. But this experience has brought me to a deeper sense of my own self responsibility...self care and my own truth....and brought me closer to letting someone else have their perception of me without that defining or annihilating me. Somehow I've separated myself a little more from the shame my eaely caregives gave out...my dependance on their approval and security in the imagined perfection of people i decide to put my trust in now. And in turn I feel more connected to my program, my self, my peers and a HP.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Pretty tough stuff to deal with. I do know that I've had a number of sponsors. I really didn't know how to look, ask or what to do about sponsorship. I also didn't know how to look for red flags. There are times when a sponsor hasn't been available and its hurt. But then I didn't have realistic expectations of the arrangement.

Some people fly with a sponsor straight off. Other people (like me) have a time of having new ones, temporary ones and more. The issue is there is no guarantee. Some of them work and some of then stop working. For me the sponsorship issue became rewarding when I stopped taking their frailities and issues personally. Of course that didn't happen overnight.

My trust issues were that I didn't know how to go slow. I was always so fragile and so desperate I dove right in. And of course my expectations were enormous.

Disappointment feeling betrayed and feeling let down is a pretty normal experience for an ACA not because it isn't true but because it brings up so much from our childhoods. I can get triggered about my childhood all the time at certain times. Other times I can rise above it. The only way I got to rise above it was by falling into the kind of murky waters you are in now. So indeed while you are devastated you are absolutely in a place where you can grieve, work through and look at what is happening to you.

I'm so glad you are here and can share about this. I know my process is so essential to not feel alone and abandoned once again.

maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.