Hey all.  I wanted to publicly apologize for arguing with mods on this board.  It usually takes me a day or two to realize when I acted like a big jerk.  Even if I was right about some of my points (which is questionable), Who cares?  It is not appropriate to argue with folks that are doing service free of charge.  What is sometimes my strength in terms of ESH and this board is also my weakness.  Yes, being a double winner is a strength, but along with that comes some of those egotistical, know it all, easily wounded ego traits that are common among alcoholics and even those of us in recovery. 

So...the update on me.  I am very busy with work.  I finished taking the last grad school class I needed to now get licensed in my field.  I have been living with my current partner for about 6 months now.  We are going on about 20 months together.  It's a relationship unlike any other I've had because I am a fuller person than I have been in the past. I also have a full life and that is all due to the 12 steps. 

I do like coming to this board and trying to be of service.  I learned that in AA.  Yes, I know this is alanon and I do get it twisted.  There are many more people that come to this board who seek help so it's easier to be of service here than the AA board - I have decided to amp up my F2F meetings and be of service to actual AA.  I have been reluctant to take on sponsees because of my job and because of being busy with school, but the fact of the matter is, I spend large amounts of time here on the boards so I think I do have time to give back more in actual meetings.

I spend a lot of time here responding to threads but I do want you all to know some things I have learned and incorperated into my program.  One priceless thing has been to lower expectations of others so as to not form resentments.  I'm still working on that one.  I often expect sick people or strangers to "do the right thing" as I see fit and that is simply not their agenda.  To that end, I now understand why I should not go to the hardware store while looking for bread :)  I also understand much better not to expect sanity from insane people.  Sometimes that even applies to me (like when I take a step back and realize I'm acting crazy). 

Hearing many of you describe how your qualifiers act also strengthens my program because I know I acted in the ways that many of you describe.  I know I hurt people like I hear in many of the threads here.  I don't want to go back to being that person.  Like I said in the beginning of this post, I still have some of those traits and when some of you post about the behaviors of your qualifiers, it's pretty eye opening for me because I sometimes go "Oh crap. I still act like that" and it lets me know if I really am working my program as well as I should be. 

Also, one of the the things I mention the least is that I was in a relationship with another alcoholic for 7 years and, while I consider myself mostly "over it."  It really did affect me negatively and I had to do A LOT of work on myself because of it.  In that aspect, I relate to feeling trapped, hopeless, and and in a relationship with someone else that is choosing to slowly kill themselves and make me watch.  I did live that for a long time.  Coming here also reminds me that I don't want to go back to that life either.

This is what you guys do for me.  I want you to know I appreciate it.  I still go to dark and twisted places in my head, but it takes me less time to emerge from them (I also keep going back from time to time).  You guys have defined it as "crazy town" and how you go their due to your qualifiers.  It sucks that I go there all by myself much of the time and that is a big reason why I am constantly trying to reach out to others, think about others...It's basically a warzone in my head.

Thanks guys for all your patience and thanks for accepting me.

Ok, I'm not sure what you're talking about and so I probably don't need to know, but I wanted to just say that I thank you for being on these boards. You've been there for me since the very beginning and maybe things weren't crystal clear back then but you were always patient with me and my rantings, LOL! I think we all have a warzone in our heads and that's why we all keep coming back.

I guess I can say 'you're welcome' and thanks for sharing from your heart. Have a great day!

Yeah I have had to do that once or twice. I, too, am less than perfect, pink. But its good to recognize it and to make our amends when necessary. personally, I enjoy your posts.

Glad to hear you are a human with human traits and are being accountable when you make mistakes! I love your posts and have learned lots of things from you that has helped my awareness. I too have a war zone in my head and try to stay focused out here on life, I love the analogy and have to remember to stay in my program and not others. Keep up the great work!

Mark,

Thanks for your share and for being here; it's encouraging to see how you are working your program and how things are coming together for you.

I find your shares wonderfully insightful and provide another perspective that helps strengthen my working the program (increase time enjoying life and decreasing time in crazy town). I hope you will continue to have time to participate on this board.

I'm glad you keep coming back! Sometimes it's hard not to immediately jump to defend our actions or thoughts. It's sometimes especially tricky when we are on a wonderful forum yet we can't know the tone or place that the person behind the screen is writing from.

I always appreciate your posts, your honesty and your insight. Thank you for sharing, thank you for updating!

I definitely think others would benefit from you face to face but please keep coming back here!

 

mark, i have always valued your input as an alcoholic in recovery and as an al anon member. you are personally responsible for helping me find compassion for my AH. my life is better and more serene because of you.