The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So as I've stated in my introduction in a previous thread, I've begun attending meetings (both alanon and naranon) because of my fiancé's heroin addiction. And I just wanted to make this my progress thread on here. Today, I had a therapy appt but I ended up missing it and having to reschedule due to my own stupidity of not getting off at the right stop on the bus and heading way too far, and by having to come back. But by the time I got back, it was too late and I had to call her to reschedule. But on the upside I had rented some of the books recommended to me by naranon/alanon people and started reading those. I found a water bottle today in our room, which indicated to me that he had used at some point, but when it was I don't know. And that made me feel a bit paranoid and worried today, but I know he's going to NA and therapy on Wednesday (they drug test him in therapy), and he doesn't look high today so I tried to just avert my mind from it and focus on other things. I am going to buy a naranon book on Wed. when I go to the meeting and I have an alanon meeting on Monday as well. So for now, just trying to stay as calm as I can and not worry. I know I can't control what he does or force him to do anything, including telling the truth. I'm trying to come to terms with that as much as I can. Overall, today wasn't a bad day, and I wasn't suicidal at least...which is quite a step up from a week ago. I've also been trying to take steps to conquer my social anxiety by making more phone calls to people and engaging in small talk with strangers on the street, so that's been some progress as well. I am finding the books I've gotten so far a bit helpful, too. And I've been texting some people that I've personally met at meetings.
-- Edited by AsphyxiateOnMisery on Saturday 14th of April 2012 06:36:06 PM
I can really relate to you. I just want to say hang in there, it really does get better if you keep getting to meetings. I also go to therapy and it has helped alot. My husband is also a heroin addict and an alcoholic, they are one in the same to me now because I see those are the symptoms.. drinking or using.. the issues underneath are emotional, psychological, spiritual. There is hope in al-anon and nar-anon but the problem is there is nothing I can do to see where my husband is with his program or to make him attend or work the steps etc .. all I can do is keep the focus on myself and do what is best for me.. which is attending meetings, talking with people especially al-anon friends because they understand.. reading, listening to happy music.. prayer.. etc. I am sincerely sorry for what you are going through. Youre in the right place where people understand.. Keep coming back.
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
So today was...okay, I guess. Not the greatest, but could have been worse. I didn't have anywhere to go today and he didn't either so we spent all day at home together...and I had to sit and watch him sleep til 2 PM as usual, then when he finally got up, he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything (also, as usual). I got upset because he said we'd go to the park, then he ended up blaming me instead of saying he was sorry he didn't do what he said. He also ran out of cigarettes...and said "Let's go out and buy some". I said "Okay, let's do that." I was low on mine too, so I wanted to buy some for myself as well, and getting out of the house just for a half hour or so would have been nice. Little while later, I say, "So, you ready to go?" He said no because he was low on money and gas. I was like "WTF, then why did you say we would go if you had no intention of doing so?" Made no sense to me at all. I was angry. He tends to say things and not go through with them all the time. He was mad at me for a while too. In the end, I decided, okay, I'm not going to hand him over any money to buy cigarettes (even though I really wanted to go out for a bit, and it was an easy fix to the problem) because if he didn't spend it on drugs, he'd have some...and I'd be enabling. So, I didn't do that and we stayed home. But I decided to be nice and give him a couple of mine for the night. The kind gesture on my part helped end the unspoken hostility between us. I told him to do a better job of salvaging his money though, and that I wasn't always going to share mine. He said okay.
Now, another thing happened that made me go a little bit nuts. Just to give some background, he works alongside his uncle, who owns his own construction company, and gets paid under the table. He lost his job as an Asset Protection Associate several months ago, and has been looking for a new job since, meanwhile working for his uncle. So, since he's basically broke at the moment and won't get paid until Wednesday, he said he was going to call his uncle and ask him to pay him a little early and just take it out from what he owes him later. Only problem with that is, he said "Can I go outside and call him?". I said, "Why can't you do it in the room?" He said he just felt uncomfortable and embarrassed asking him for money in front of me. I didn't really believe him because I don't understand what there is to be embarrassed about. It's money that he earned working, he's just asking for it a couple of days earlier. And it's not like I don't know he's broke. Why doesn't he want to make the phone call in front of me, I thought? My paranoia instantly kicked in and thoughts started racing through my head. What if he's not calling his uncle, what if he's calling a drug dealer? What if he's going to ask for a different amount of money than he tells me he's going to ask for just so he can hide it and buy drugs with it? And the thoughts just kept coming..."what if, what if, what if...." I told him I was uncomfortable and felt like he was trying to hide something from me. He said he wasn't hiding anything, he was really just embarrassed, for some reason. So, I retorted, "Okay, fine, go call him." He went outside. I stood by the door and listened. I felt like a freaking psycho having to listen in on his phone call, but I was so anxious and worried that I couldn't stop myself. From the sounds of it, though, it seemed he was telling the truth. He did call his uncle and asked for the same amount of money that he told me he was going to ask for.
So yeah. I felt pretty guilty and bad that I did that. Tomorrow should be better because I have an Al-Anon meeting to go to, and some errands to run. I'll get to get out of the house. And he has work. So he won't be sleeping til 2 tomorrow at least. I'm not quite sure if I made any "progress" per se, today...but I did read some alanon material and I did my best to control myself. I really did. I just...I don't know. I slipped a little today.
I found $100 missing from the money I had set aside to buy my college books. Conveniently enough, a bundle of heroin costs $100. And I'm pretty sure he knew where I kept it. I don't know for sure if he stole it. There is the slight chance that I miscounted and spent it or something, because ive taken out money from there before and then replaced it. The chance of that though, is a lot lower than him taking it because he was desperate or trying to get back at me or something. I don't know what crazy reasoning there would be to do something like that. Either way, I don't know what happened to it. He says he didnt do it of course, and is offering to give me some money to help me replace the missing 100. I agreed to the help. If he did take it, and knows that he did deep down, then he should be willing to replace it. I sure would feel like an asshole if I didn't.
I still love him though. I know it's the addict doing these things (if he's doing them), not my fiancé. I know that the addict doesn't care about me, but my fiancé does. Money is replaceable. I just have to make sure to keep it away from "the addict" a bit better next time.
This really sucks. I made the decision to not give him any more of my Klonopin last week. He used to get it prescribed by his general doctor and I get it prescribed by my psychiatrist. His doctor hasnt given him any recently because he hasnt shown up to take a drug test (because he knew he did heroin, and if the doctor saw that, she wouldnt give him any more Klonopin...and rightfully so). He asked me for one despite the fact that I informed him I wasn't comfortable with it anymore because I think they could influence him to get high. Plus, if his doctor hasn't given him any, I have no business doing so either. I said no when he asked. He got quiet and stopped talking and seems to be mad at me now. I don't want to succumb to doing what he wants through guilt (guilt that he feels bad, or guilt that he might want to get high anyway because I said no) or fear (fear that he's going to ignore me or resent me for it). But it's hard. It seems like it would be so easy to just say "Okay, here, just have it". But if I do that, I'll be letting myself down by doing something I feel is wrong, and sending him the message that he can just manipulate me to do what he wants whenever he wishes. I can't go that easy route. It's easy, but in the long run, it makes things so much harder. I know that. And yet, I am now depressed over the situation. Like I said, it sucks.
-- Edited by AsphyxiateOnMisery on Monday 16th of April 2012 07:07:54 PM
-- Edited by AsphyxiateOnMisery on Monday 16th of April 2012 07:08:59 PM
I do hope you conenct with other alanon members and pick up some important literature. I Merry-Go-Round named denial is indeed a powerful read. I really outlined where I was when I walked in the rooms.
Inspirational books and tools that gave me the courage to move forward were the small bookmark, " Just for Today "and the Courage to Change.
Keep coming back and practicing the tools you are learning.
Recovery from living in the insanity of addition comes from breaking the isolation, attending meetings and Joining with others who understand as few others can
This is a we program. None of us can do it alone.
Please check out the meetings or join our online meetings.
I had a horrible, horrible night last night due to the situation with the klonopin that I described escalaing into a huge explosive argument. I went from being hopeful about recovery for both he and I, to being suicidal. And for a while I had feltike all of my steps toward recovery were useless and I wasn't even sure if I wanted to keep trying to do it. My fiance said, after we made up and he finally started showing some sort of compassion toward my feelings, that I should think of it as a "relapse" that I need to forgive myself over, move on, and continue with recovery. I think that way of looking at it would be a good thing. After a nights sleep, I am trying to reconsider. I am now working on subsiding those suicidal feelings from yesterday still. I am trying to be mindful and focus on today, not last night's argument. He seems to feel as though we've fixed things since then, I don't quite feel everything is fixed yet, but I need to fight my emotions in order to feel like it is and move on. So today's goals for me are to stop worrying and feeling bad about yesterday and focus on the present moment and what I need to accomplish today. I will try to read alanon/naranon material to get some of these coping skills stuck in my head, and hopefully put then to use. I really hope tonight will be better.
-- Edited by AsphyxiateOnMisery on Tuesday 17th of April 2012 12:25:49 PM
Well I am feeling ok today, bought a naranon book an been doing some readings in it to help me with my day to day struggles and emotions. I find alanon/naranon material quite helpful in helping me to keep myself stable. I've also been doing some meditation to try to practice peace and tranquility. So I am okay so far today :) thanks to the programs.
