The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have had an interesting experience over the past few weeks of having that whole stomach dropping feeling and not been thinking about my AH however recognizing that I'm unhooking from his drama that he wants to create.
This whole trip with my mom here I am so sure he has no idea what a jerk he was to me and how much he showed his butt. He's two different people. One person is literally Mr Crazy Pants and that's the guy who shows up and drags his butt around my yard and wonders why there are rocks in his crack. Then there is the twin who is Mr Nice Guy and he shows up and pretends Mr Crazy Pants is no relation of his.
My mom was floored by his behavior. There were so many little and big things that happened while she was here she was just like WOW .. what happened to him. I said I KNOW!?
Anyway, I had the same sensation last night and realized OMGosh .. it was over a text he sent and son of a gun I realized he was trying to hook me back in. Now that is the first time I had that experience with that feeling that was directly related. Which I now get is ME changing and HIM saying change back! I don't want to change back .. I like who I am becoming, .. I like being away from his drama. I like the fact things are a whole lot less complicated and he doesn't have a clue how much more things are going to get uncomplicated.
I'm sooo happy to be moving away from this. I still say who knows what could happen years and years down the line however at this point .. he can't come home and I don't want him back in the least. I'm ready to move forward. I'm loving my life. I love being with the kids and doing what we are doing at the moment. This weekend is an alanon conference I've had the pleasure of helping with the set up and so on. It's just really a neat experience for me at the moment. It's a weekend deal.
What makes me so sad is he really doesn't have a clue how much things have changed for me. I mean he does and he doesn't .. I know it scares him to death and I have seen that .. all he does is react to the things that I do. Which .. pretty much is how I have lived our whole relationship and now that I"m not boy I can't believe that dance is fun to do alone or at least it wasn't in my experience.
Anyway, thanks for letting me share .. I took this here because I just couldn't believe his behavior at the pick up of the kids and what happened last night. I have talked to my sponsor and she of course is a rock star and I love her to pieces!! My fingers want to fly on the texting and I'm so not going to do it. It's just not worth the time or trouble because he can't be honest, open and willing to take a look at his part, and while I can own my part .. there's no point right now as he's going to be angry no matter what I do.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
That's such a great share Pushka!! BTW, I about choked on this one in laughter: "wonders why there are rocks in his crack" I'm going to borrow that if I may. That's hilarious!
LOL .. borrow away please .. it's not the most outrageous thing I've been known to say. I am so blessed to have people who so get my sense of humor even when it's in it's in rare form ..
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Good for you! Thanks for sharing, I love seeing how you're growing and changing and 'unhooking'! I've lived with Mr Nice Guy and Mr Crazy Pants for too long, and they each are the others' evil twin!
I can relate and love hearing your growth! You amaze me and I love your sense of humor! Keep up the great work and I hope you enjoy the conference this weekend!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I wanted to update again .. I had a wonderful weekend I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment as I made the mistake of going back to sleep when the kids got home (they come home at 630am) and now I feel drugged (I've even had a shot of starbucks coffee and trust me when I say usually I'm on fire when I drink that stuff .. LOL .. now I'm still at a turtles pace) .. I hate that when it happens. I was gone all weekend with the conference and I highly and I do mean HIGHLY recommend if anyone has an opportunity to attend an alanon conference please please please go .. it's such a blessing. PLUS the bigger blessing for me was the fact it was combined with AA and we had a lovely AA turn out one of the nights it was so lovely to see the workings of both programs together!! So amazing!!
Anyway, it was just a lot of fun. I even won one of the baskets that was up for raffle .. LOL .. I only purchased 2 tickets for those so that was really nice. I learned so much and I am so grateful for that experience.
It's just been an amazing ride this week with all of the crazy stuff that was going on with my mom here. Considering we had a great visit. I only had one meltdown and for me that's pretty good. I just feel sometimes like she sucks the life out of me and all I can do is run away .. I know real mature .. LOL .. it's the best I have outside of blowing up. I don't want to hurt her she just has no regard for anyone's boundaries and I'm starting to really get it's not just me. I had a couple people approach me, look at me and say .. how are you doing? LOL .. that was followed by .. I can see how your mom can be a little overwhelming. She loves me and I know she loves the kids.
We are looking at my daughter going to spend a month with her during the summer, I will be there with our son for 2 weeks as well. I think that would be best, as my girl is not the seasoned traveler I was at her age. I don't mind her flying back alone .. however flying out there alone would be really stressful for her and for me as well. My mom is really excited about the idea. I have to share this is something I never thought in a million years I would ever ever ever consider. I'm sooooo grateful for the fact my mind is opening and I'm willing to really allow her to be my mom and the kids grandma. She's certainly not an evil person, .. she's made choices that don't even enter into my realm of understanding .. at least I know she's not evil at the core and I think there was a time I saw things that way.
I have Mr Nice Guy at the moment and we even joked around on the phone today which is new. All I can say is I'm seeing soooo much clearer the drinking or not drinking is only the tip of the iceberg I kind of feel sorry for him when he is really hit with all of the pain. From what I understand it's not a fun place to go to and not have support. I do pray for him every day not that he sees the error of his ways .. he sees that every two weeks .. that he can be healed and he wants to be healed. Once again .. I know he can't come home so it's about him being whole and healthy for him. While we are together he can't get there and I can't either .. I know how much more I deserve.
Thanks again for letting me share and thank you all so much for the support. Without you guys and the rooms of alanon I would not be becoming the person I am today!!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Oh Pushka, I can relate so well to much of your post. Especially the feelings that come from looking at our own and others behavior in a detached and realistic manners. And being able to respond in ways we can be proud of Keep working it! Jen
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