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My Fiance has been sober for 106 days (and myself 100) and I couldn't be more proud of her. She has had many struggles in her life and has used to self medicate most of her pains. She is going through treatment and AA meetings and is doing extremely well. For a time before she got sober, I admit I enabled a lot, and drank a lot as well. We began enabling eachother. Months before she made the decision to stop drinking, I myself had been done, I just had enough of the getting drunk spending money, not doing anything. To help and support her, and help myself, I quit drinking with her, we have been through a lot together up to this point and the struggles we've been going through as a couple aren't anything we can't handle.
I am having conflict with myself in that I do want to have the occasional drink with my cigar. But don't want to because of the thigns we've gone through, and what she is still going through with treatment and the steps of AA. I'm fine not drinking and want to continually support her and I want both of us to be healthy happy people.
As I said my drinking was bad for awhile, and I have long since got it "under control" which I know many say is just a sign that I myself would be an alcoholic. When we both drank we could easily finish a bottle of something each. I got sick and tired of that long ago. The months up to going sober her and I would buy some alcohol, beit beer or hard liquor I noticed she continued to drink the same amount get drunk, pass out and not remember the previous night and wanting to do it all over again the next day. With my enabling we usually did. But my drinking wasn't heavy, I had one or two drinks and typically called it a night. Before I knew it the firdge had a dozen bottles of beer for me from random six and four packs picked up over the week, while her supply was always empty. (food alergy actually prevented her from drinking most beers and a lot of hard liquors se had often had seperate drinks) Finally, she had an awakening and made the decision to quit drinking and enter treatment all on her own accord. I've seen major improvments in her and want to continue to see those improvements.
I guess i'm curious, confused, conflicted. When would it be okay for me to present her with the idea that I would like a drink occasionally. I don't want to enable, i don't want to be the window into falling back into old habits. Should I continue to be a non drinker as well, is it ever okay for me to enjoy a drink or have something in the house. This is all still new for both of us and as a couple I understand there are a lot of extra pressures, and problems that can occur. I could use some advice as how to handle these things.
Hi dozer - have you run down the 20 questions AA asks?
Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?
Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
Is drinking affecting your reputation?
Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
Does your drinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
Do you want a drink the next morning?
Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
Do you drink alone?
Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?
If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.
I know for me the prospect of never being able to have another drink of alcohol ever again really doesn't bother me whatsoever. The thought doesn't make me fidgety, I don't try to figure out how to justify having a drink.
Ultimately you're trying to put the responsibility on your spouse's shoulders for your being able to drink or not. In all honesty, that's not really fair to her. She has enough going on herself trying to stay sober and recover. Your choice to drink or not to drink is yours alone.
I often hear "when in doubt, don't". If I'm about to make a decision that I fear may be hurtful to someone I care about and that I'm not going to feel good about myself or feel like I showed up with dignity in the situation, then it's best I pause on that, ask HP into it and be sure to reason it out with my sponsor.
Thanks for the insight I do appreciate it. To me, it's not the thought of never drinking again. It doesn't bother me, and I know it is ultimately my choice one way or the other. I have gone through the questions gone to a couple of meetings, met with her treatment couselor and I've been reading the books from AA and I see some of it being relative. Obviously being sober for so many days now my answers to those questions would be no. During some of my darker times of drinking there would be more yeses in there, honestly during most of my drinking times I'd answer no. But i do desire that drink from time to time, I have no desire to get drunk, nor to have that same drink every night of the week, or even once a week for that matter. Though i understand what you are saying I don't feel i'm putting the responsibility on her shoulders and I definately don't want to do so, just confused how to progress.
Everyone has to find their own answer to this question. I read of one alcoholic who said to himself, "If I am an alcoholic, I shouldn't drink. If I'm not an alcoholic, why would I need to?" One thing you might look at is possible benefits vs. possible harm. What harmful things might come from your beginning to drink again? Are the benefits worth the risk of that harm? You're in the best position to weigh that.
I do know that my alcoholic ex-husband considered this question a lot. He is a binge drinker, so he spends weeks or months not drinking. Then sometimes he drinks "moderately" for a while. But then the world always comes crashing down again, and the binge grabs hold -- blackouts, destruction, lying, slurring, financial problems, etc etc etc. But because there are periods of no drinking and moderate drinking, he can tell himself that everything's fine, really. (I don't think anyone who's been around the binges would say that.) Anyway, I have heard him rationalize his drinking many times. "I just enjoy it when..." "Don't I deserve a little reward after a hard day?" All those things. I have come to think of this as the addiction calling to him. Like a stranger offering candy from a car. "It tastes so good ... just come a little closer ..." So I've come to distrust those little enticements. I think you'll find that many people who've experienced the nightmare of addiction never want to come near alcohol again, our experiences have been so bad.
Best wishes to you. I hope you can find a good Al-Anon and/or AA program and keep coming back.
Mattie, that's so very true. My experiences have probably been mild compared to most. But stories of my grandparents, watching my ex-inlaws, even the period my dad drank heavily in my teens. I decided to not be a drinker in my mid 20's and never looked back. I have a glass of something 3-5 times a year, that's it.
I too have just never seen anything good come from it. Just last Easter, watching my aunt, uncle and cousin drunk the entire day was an eye opener. I'm so used to seeing them drink I didn't realize they are usually drunk at most family functions. Since I see them once a year, it's not something I paid attention to.
But my cousin's behavior borderlined on embarassing to say the least. I used to think he was funny (he is actually) but as he ages he gets more and more careless with his words, manners and behaviors. Now having kids in my house I'm just at that point of "why"? And for me more than anything I often joked during the dark days of my divorce on how it was a good thing I didn't drink or I might never stop. Honestly, a little part of me wondered if that could have come true for me, with having two grandparents who were alcoholics... my "dad" is adoptive so I don't have that in my blood but living with it? Just not worth playing with.
Dozer - you are free to make your own choices. You can take into account what she feels is right and helpful for her sobriety, but ultimately the choice is yours. Personally as a recovering alcoholic, I needed to not have alcohol in the house for the first year or so. I also needed to not go to bars or functions where there was a ton of drinking going on. Other people are different and this will involve communication with her. I know some folks that got sober working as bartenders (albeit that seems to be a not ideal situation lol).
For me, I can't date someone that is a heavy drinker. I can date someone that is a moderate drinker and don't have a problem with them having a couple drinks a week. But it took a couple years to get to the point. For a year my philosophy in AA and about sobriety was "Alcohol is evil. Period." Only after a year did it become "Alcohol is only evil FOR ME." Like I said, everyone is a bit different and I guess this merits communication with your fiance.
